I have to admit that I jumped for joy when I found out that the Iowa supreme court ruled that the law banning gay marriage was unconstitutional. In case you haven’t heard about this, here is a timeline of what took place. It isn’t only because I know the soon to be Varnums (Hi Kate and Trish, if you’re reading this) of the Varnum v. Brien case, but because I’ve come to realize that marriage really is a civil right. It isn’t that I was ever against gay marriage. I just didn’t understand what the big deal was.

I can’t imagine not being allowed to be with the love of my life if they lay dying in the hospital, or not being able to take advantage of my dependent benefits at work because the daughter that I raised with my partner is not biologically mine, and I can’t be considered a guardian because my partner is a woman. These are just a couple of the instances that I have had friends and family tell me about.

I was really pleased that the supreme court of Iowa ruled unanimously, but I was even more pleased to hear that the opinion that the court published was very well written. I’ve never actually read a court opinion before, but my husband wanted to print it off and read it. So I got to hear a lot of it, and it really is a well crafted statement showing that marriage is a civil right and that excluding someone from it based on their sexual orientation is discrimination.

It is enthralling hearing the details of the judges’ opinions weaved and crafted so skillfully into the law. I really think it’s worth at least perusing, for everyone, but here are a couple of the points that really stood out to me. The defendants argued that because marriage was traditionally between man and woman that it should continue to be so. The court ruled that that idea cannot be upheld because it would open up a precedent for all kinds of discriminatory behavior to continue just because it has always been so. The defendants also asserted that the law was put into place because it was in the best interests of children to live in a home with their mother and their father. The court ruled that if this were the purpose of this law, then the law was flawed in several respects. First of all, not all same sex couples wish to have children, so the law casts too broad a shadow. Second of all, it does not include others who are not likely not good caretakers of children (like child molesters) from marrying. Third, it begs the question of whether it truly is not in the best interest of children to have same sex parents, and the defense could not provide such evidence (whereas the prosecution showed numerous studies that suggest that growing up in a family with loving same sex parents is not a detriment, and actually has not shown a difference).  Okay, I could go on and on about the tit for tat, but there is just one other point that I wanted to share. The judges ruled that there was an underlying (and unstated) reason for not allowing same sex marriage, and that reason was religious. The court ruled that religion absolutely cannot have a bearing on whether or not to allow civil marriage.

In addition to hearing this news on Friday, my husband and I ended up watching MILK this weekend. I really enjoyed the film, but one thing that I was surprised about was that in many ways the argument against gay rights hasn’t changed, and the fight for them seems to be generally in the same place that it was thirty years ago.

On the other hand, I’m living in the midwest, and the state just to the north of us just legalized gay marriage…so maybe we’re growing here, too. I was surprised and glad when a good friend who was openly gay won the mayoral seat in the rural town where my husband and I used to live. But then again, a couple of months ago, there was a big hoopla in that same town because people were fighting over whether or not to add sexual orientation to the city’s anti-discrimination document (protecting minorities from housing discrimination). One of the councilman voted against it and on camera says he would not rent to a gay person.

One of my favorite lines in MILK was a bit of actual footage where a woman stood up and asked an audience how they would teach their children to love those who were different than them, if they couldn’t get along with the gay rights group. I think it’s a good point. I’m all for teaching my kids that some people fall in love with people who are the opposite sex and some people fall in love with those of the same sex.

At the risk of opening up a can of worms, how do you intend to deal with the subject of homosexuality with your children? And any comments on the Iowa ruling?

This may sound extremely corny, but I’m going to say it anyway. I think interpersonal relationships are a huge part of the meaning of life. That little quote about “can’t we all just get along?”, is running through my head as I say that…but I think it’s a real truth. I happen to be of the opinion that all of the people in our lives are here for a reason, and that every one of them has something (or many somethings) to teach us.

On my personal blog this is one of my favorite topics. About how so and so is teaching me this or that. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not always roses and sunshine. For me it’s about tough self reflection. What is this difficult situation teaching me? Is my job to tackle a problem head on? Or is it someone else’s problem?

My father sent me a fascinating article this morning from The Student Operated Press called Triangulation: When Work Culture Saps Productivity. I’ll let you read the article for yourself because I don’t think I could do it justice in a summary. However, the main concept is that Triangulation (the act of talking to a non-involved party about a problem that we have with someone else…namely…gossip), is extremely counterproductive. Okay, that sounds pretty obvious when put like that, but at least in the relatioships that surround me, this is pretty much how people handle conflict.

I witnessed something related to this happen in the blogosphere recently. The incident was a mixture of harmful triangulation and direct communication. One of my favorite bloggers had a post written about her on another blog. It was on a rather controversial topic, and the comments got rather nasty. At this point, my  blogger idol went directly to the source to voice that she wasn’t okay with this kind of talking “behind her back”. However, as the article states, the problem with triagulation is that it can actually result in more distance between the two people than there was before. The other person had already spoken about aforementioned blogger in a derogatory way and gotten reinforcement for that through multiple comments, and very probably also from private communication that “the audience” couldn’t see. In other words, he/she was entrenched. At that point, it became all out blog warfare with comments flying from both camps….and I’m sure they both got quite a bit of hate mail as a result.

I just love this whole internet communication thing, it just makes things so transparent in a way. Anyway, the section of the article that really hit home for me was the part about the so-called “listener”. The listener may think that they are actually helping the person that is venting to them, but they can actually be reinforcing the distance by saying things like “I don’t blame you for not talking to her”, or suggesting avoidance, etc.

As women, the social beasts that we are, I think we have a harder time not falling into this trap. I loved the advice at the end of the article for being able to collect yourself and let out some anger without turning it into triangulation “If you choose to let off steam to a third person, do so without tearing down [the other person], and with the intent of understanding your own reactions and gathering yourself to talk directly with [them].”

The article is all about communication in the work place, but I can see so much application for other types of relationships. In fact, while I was reading it, I thought of a few of my own relationships that have gone south because of triangulation (sometimes from my end, and sometimes from the other end). Sadly, I’ll admit that the whole thing made me a little bit glad that my office environment consists of me and my dog. It’s pretty hard to have difficult office politics with a canine.

Do you feel that politics in your office are direct or gossipy? Have you found a way to break a gossip pattern at work or in other relationships

I am a very fortunate person. I recognize this and reflect on it every now and then, but I’m especially fortunate in my married life. I happen to be one of those ladies who is married to a true partner. I have a few friends whose husbands complain about the state of the house when they return from work, or who have to remind their farmer husbands that “tractors don’t come up to you and interrupt lunch or bug you while you’re in the bathroom…so back off”.

No. My husband pretty much gets it. He knows that when he comes home from work on some days, the house is going to be a wreck, our child will be naked, and I will look like I’ve attempted to pull my hair out while still wearing last nights’ stained pajamas.
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On TV I always hear about how the suicide rate is higher during the holiday season. It’s usually laughed off as some sort of joke, but this year our family is feeling the strain. Please don’t contact the psych ward, I’m absolutely not saying that I’m about to off myself. It’s just that I can see, if family/relationship dysfunction goes unchecked for decades, how it might seem like there’s no other way out.

My husband and I have been trying to navigate the waters of our troubled family situation for…well, ever since we became a couple actually. The details of our situation aren’t important, it’s the emotional upheaval that others will be able to relate to. The emotional roller coaster has been long with harsh silences, uncountable cyber wars, and a few yelling matches. And now we’re here. Holiday blast off has taken place and we’re in the middle of it all.

Leading up to the Christmas festivities I’ve been reading up on how to get through difficult situations. The articles I read were less than satisfying, because I have such a desire to just work things out and then not have to spend time walking on egg shells. Maybe that seems naïve, but it’s true. My husband and I had decided months before that it was important to get things worked out for the sake of all of the years of holidays to come, and if that meant sacrificing this one then so be it. We were rigid and adamant that talking things through with our loved ones was the only way to go about things, and if we didn’t hold ourselves and everyone else accountable that the battle would be lost.

This past month, our perspective has changed a lot. One of the sources for this change is Eckhart Tolle’s book A New Earth. Tolle talks a lot about ego. My husband and I realized, basically at the same moment, that trying to hold others accountable for their actions was an act of ego. We were trying to get revenge and validation for ourselves (satisfy our egos). The truth is though, that no matter what we do others ARE accountable for what they do because their true selves keep them so, and THEIR life has to teach them their lessons (not us).

I also realized that revenge is an act of insecurity. There is absolutely no way that someone putting me down diminishes me (I mean the true me, not my self esteem…that gets bruised all the time). I am who I am no matter what, but when I try to force someone else to take it back or apologize or whatever, then I’m reacting and giving what they said more validity than it otherwise would have.

So here we are, in the midst of the holiday hubbub. Our original conflict never got worked out, and it still hangs in the air with its fermented stench. The smiles are strained, but conversation is occasionally broken up with bouts of true laughter. This is what it is though, and I accept it. Even if it’s not what I imagined or dreamt of, it’s real. And there’s nothing more that I can ask for.

Do you ever have to just get through the holidays?

It’s all over the news. People are having to break it to their kids. This year, Christmas, the holidays, it’s all going to suck.

Oh wait, that isn’t the message?!

We’re heading into full holiday frenzy at our house. This year we’re scaling back on gift giving quite a bit, and I’m sure we’re not the only ones. I’m knitting up a storm for many people on our Christmas list this year (which actually isn’t less expensive than buying store bought gifts, especially when you factor in the time that it’s taking…just had to put that out there). Anyway, with the aforementioned scale back in effect, gift guilt is starting to set in.

I recently came across this list of unspoken gift giving rules*, and see myself in just about every one of them. However, with my eyes on the prize of not sinking into the pit of debt this year, I’m trying to overcome.

1. Give a gift to everyone you expect to get one from.

Yep, this one applies to us, and it’s why I haven’t been making eye-contact with the neighbors in weeks. Seriously though, I also recognize that I don’t give gifts to get something in return, so I’m just trying to be a little more zen about the whole thing and have a more open mind about giving and receiving.

2. If someone gives you a gift unexpectedly, reciprocate that year. (Some people have prewrapped generic gifts set aside for just such an occasion.)

Still thinking of the neighbors…last year the little old lady from across the street brought us home made goodies, and I didn’t reciprocate. I still feel a pang of guilt when I think about it. Hey, I said I was working on the zen thing.

3. When you add a name to your gift list, give that person a gift every year thereafter.

Okay, this doesn’t have to do with Christmas, but I definitely feel the pull to continue giving gifts to friends who I’ve given birthday gifts to in the past.  As if it would mean that we weren’t as good of friends if we stopped getting each other gifts. It sounds really dumb when I say it like that, but that’s the truth of it.

4. The amount of money you spend on a gift determines how much you care about the recipient.

Oh what a trap this is. In the past I have actually caught myself trying to calculate the percentage of the gift budget I should spend on someone based on the amount I care for them. Aside from being absolutely impossible, it definitely cheapens friendships and I don’t recommend the practice. This year I’m trying for as thoughtful as possible rather than letting the price tag decide.

5. Gifts exchanged between adults should be roughly equal in value.

I was just reading Type A Mom, and she was stressing over the amount that her brother would be spending on her six children, while she would be spending considerably less on his one child. Similarly, last year I remember picking out gifts for my sisters-in-law.  I stressed and stressed after I finished shopping, I had spent roughly the same amount, but one sister was getting one larger gift while the other was getting several small gifts, and it looked as if the small gifts added up to more even though they didn’t. I’m sure neither of them even gave it a second thought.

6. The present you give someone should be fairly consistent in value over the years.

This year we even had an email going around amongst the siblings to make sure that all of us were going down in value this year so as not to offend or disappoint.

7. If you give a gift to a person in one category (e.g., a coworker or neighbor), give a gift to everyone in that category, and these gifts should be similar in value.

Like I said before. No. Eye. Contact.

8. Women should give gifts to their close women friends.

I have always disregarded this rule. Back in high school and college, I wasn’t married to a Christian yet, and so I never gave Christmas gifts to my friends because I didn’t celebrate it.  Every once in a while someone would get me something, which I would feel utterly guilty about. But for the most part, my girl friends and I have a no gift giving pact for the holidays (however, see birthdays above).

9. Men should not give gifts to their male friends- unless those gifts are alcoholic beverages.

I don’t drink myself, and couldn’t really justify buying alcohol. However, my husband was just reading over my shoulder, and thought that this was the absolute best gift giving rule of all time.  He’s going on and on about it as I type.

10. Whenever the above rules cause you any difficulty, remedy the situation by buying more gifts.

And that’s the crux of the whole thing, isn’t it?  We’ve been tricked into thinking that the more gifts that we buy, the more giving we are. I guess this year so many of us are being forced to buck the trend and recognize that a coffee mug for our coworkers, or lotion for our girlfriends isn’t symbolic of the relationship.

A good friend of mine recently wrote a post about advertising.  Her husband was watching commercials with their preschool aged daughter, and she was begging for this or that toy.  He explained to her that commercials are designed to make us unhappy with what we have. The point is that the real gift this year is recognizing the true spirit of giving. We don’t need to dig deeper into our pockets to show others how much they mean to us. A sincere smile can sometimes do the trick.

Okay, I’m getting down off of my high horse now, and going to smile at my neighbors…I hope their dog is inside.

Do you follow the hidden gift giving rules? Are you having to rethink things this year?

*The rules are adapted from Unplug the Christmas Machine, Robinson and Staeheli, 1991 p. 92