After I set up the Most Excellent Work It, Mom! book club, the discussion took off so much that it felt… superfluous to start a weekly post here called What Are You Reading? What do you think? Not only did the post I had planned seem superfluous, but I have also been working on things behind the scenes here at Work It, Mom!, and in my other working life (I have two, don’t you?), I have two grant applications due at the end of this week. And today is my son Christian’s eleventh birthday. So, I have been flying around trying to configure budgets, do research for background sections, write measurable goals, buy birthday presents and cupcakes, cut up fruit for fruit salad, vacuum, get the kids to make their beds, coordinate writers for WIM articles, and keep up with the forums.

You know, my arms are tired. So, I don’t feel like I am doing a great job of juggling everything right now. But tomorrow is another day.
So, here is what I was thinking about instead. I would really love to keep the discussion about books alive, but it’s sort of boring just to have one hand clapping, don’t you think? So, I thought of this: Having one of YOU do a guest post each week (I am so totally not stealing that idea from Nataly– I gave it to her) about what you are reading, and showcase your thoughts a little more than we can with the forums. You can do a book review, talk about a favorite author, a genre, a magazine, etc. Whatever you want. And you can link to your blog, and you can point your readers to your post here. I’ll even give you a button to put on your blog that says, “I blogged at Work It, Mom!” or something more exciting that reflects the topic. What do you think? Would you be interested in doing that?

If you are interested, please leave a comment here and then I will coordinate with you about how to do this!

This week, I have been staying with my parents. My mother seemed to need me to come desperately. We live a few states away from each other, a full day flying. I find that I come now about every three months. I am not really sure what I can offer, though. I have no medical expertise. I suspect my primary role is to act as confidant for both of my parents, neither of whom has very many people to talk to. We talk about my mother’s health and very little else. It’s wearing on me already. I can’t imagine what it is like for them.

I don’t anticipate that I will ever be able to reduce the length of time between my visits. Already, this visit is twice as long as my last. According to my mother, who wants me to move in next door, it is never long enough.

I brought out my laptop this week, anticipating being able to get some work done. I told my mother very explicitly the other night that I just needed three hours of uninterrupted work time the next day in order to finish two projects, and then to be finished with with my big work stuff during my visit. My work was constantly interrupted. I had to go to the basement to work. It was still interrupted. It took me twice as long as it should have to finish one project. The other one is simply untouched. Still. When I am working at home, around my kids, I can usually work for a few hours after the kids go to bed. I have been unprepared for how unable I am to work after my parents go to bed. I have another project that needs to be done. I have understanding clients, but I still need to do it. But right now, what I need even more, is to go have dinner with three of my best friends from college.

I think what will happen is that I will be coming to visit for longer and longer periods at a time to help care for my mother. During those visits, I will have to make arrangements to bring my own family with me. I can’t bear the separation. I left two children crying in the driveway and I will leave two parents crying at the airport.

I have wracked my mind this week to think of ways that my parents could move. But if they moved to be near me, we would have to find all new doctors for my mother, and her doctors would have to be at least a three and a half hour drive from my house. I don’t think that is feasible. My mother makes conversation about her own mother, and how well she is doing, how well her mother’s children take care of her, and I break down and cry. I am doing the best I can. It will never come close to being good enough. Why can’t we move to her? She asks. I explain again that my husband is tenured at the university. He is the chair of the department. Our children are growing up there, and their father lives there. We aren’t coming.

In a moment of irritation, I am quick to say (and regret) that my husband and I are not moving out here to where they live even in our retirement. “Where are you going to go?” My mother asks. “I don’t know yet. Not here.” It isn’t because of her that we aren’t going to move there, and she knows this. It’s simply that we don’t want to live in this state, this location. We will have to relocate her, instead. Which, as I have already noted, is not possible. Or very difficult. I can’t figure it out right now. I have to get through the next hour, the next day.

My mother tries to exact promises from me that I won’t let my dad put her in a nursing home. That I will never put her in a nursing home. She asks me point blank today, “If you needed to ship me off, would you?” Without hesitation, I say, “Yes.” I am not trying to be cold. I am not trying to be cruel. It’s simply the truth, and if she thinks something different, she will make it hard on us now and later. The operative word here is “If.” However, I cannot care for her full time. I can barely endure these weeks. She tells me, “I have ruined your trip.” I tell her, “What do you think I expected?”

I do not have expectations that my children will care for me full time during my golden years. I hope they will visit. I do not have expectations that I will escape this life without ending up in a nursing home. Does that make me callous? Or does it make my future simply easier to bear?

I cannot imagine, right now, entering into a work situation that would make these visits more difficult to take. They are difficult enough as it is.

What are you doing about your parents as they get older? Do you have any good solutions?

Yes, it’s 1:44 a.m., and I am up writing this. I am not awake because I am writing this, however; I am writing it because I am awake.

I am leaving in the morning to drive three hours and fifteen minutes to the airport. I am flying to visit my parents for six days. I made these travel arrangements only one week ago, without knowing ahead of time that I would be making this trip. But my mother recently had back surgery and something in her voice last week made me get off the phone and book a ticket. I don’t think she can wait. I have been putting her off. Even being self-employed, it is hard to get away when there are deadlines. Even though I may be able to work on the plane, I will still basically lose a work day tomorrow and another one next Sunday when I travel home.

It’s also tricky because my parents don’t have wireless internet. So, I always struggle with whether to buy a router when I am out there, or simply to deal with coffee shops. We will see which urge wins the struggle this trip.

I have been racing all weekend to get things ready for this trip, to arrange sitters for the kids and the pets. Complications have followed: Broken vacuum belts, smoking vacuums, kitty abscesses exploding, emergency vet visits, and one kid coming home from his three-week academy for a one-day visit while I am running amuck trying to do load after load of laundry, feed everyone, do the dishes, and leave a somewhat orderly house.

The DVDs I needed to return to the video store? Not gonna happen. Something had to give, and that is what it was. But the laundry is clean and folded, the suitcase is packed, my youngest son’s baseball gear is in a bag by the door, my oldest son’s laundry is in a bag by the door, the garbage and recycling are on the curb, and every single dish in the house is clean. So, of course I can’t sleep. My mind has been racing for so long, I can’t seem to slow it down. That better turn itself around pretty darn quick, but insomnia is a topic for another post (unless you want to talk about it in the comments!).

I am usually able to work at my parents’ house. But it is usually late in the evening (like this) while watching CSI re-runs on Spike TV. But I have to go. My parents are reaching the point in their lives when making decisions to go becomes a matter of wondering if I will regret NOT going. It complicates everything. But one of the most amazingly simple things about this trip was the fact that I did not have to consult my employer for time off to go. I just booked the ticket.

Right now, that is my favorite part of self-employment. What is the best thing about your job?

I completely feel like crying right now. My oldest son has been at a three-week Academy at the university (about five minutes from my door) since Saturday. Every day he calls me and cries. We are both miserable. But today, I was also mad. So, when he called me all teary-voiced a few minutes ago, I read him the riot act. I told him that this cannot continue. I told him that I was angry that he was wasting his time and making both of us miserable. I said I couldn’t see that he was doing anything to improve his life there and that he had one foot in that world and one in mine and he needed to get both feet there he said the time was going by slowly and I said, “That is because you are miserable.” And I told him that he would never again be with a group of kids he could have so much in common with and he was sitting in his room reading. I told him I wished he didn’t have any books there at all so he’d get out of his room and go and talk to someone, but he is acting like talking to someone and saying hello is the hardest thing in the world. I told him that I am not going to let him come home. That is not an option. So for him to be miserable for three weeks is a waste of three weeks of his life.

When I paused to take a breath, his younger brothers wanted to talk to him, and then they hung up. I called his dorm room back, and he was gone for lunch. So that was that. So, of course, now I am still miserable, and I know that he is miserable too. What I hope is that this little tirade kicks him into gear a bit and makes him snap out of his self-imposed isolation. There are tons of activities for the kids there, some of them mandatory, some of them optional. As far as I can tell, he isn’t signing up for many of the optional activities. In fact, he is talking about using his free passes to get out of some of the mandatory activities during the last week.

To make matters worse, I have a to-do list as long as my arm today. There are projects I have to finish, contracts I have to sign and put in the mail, bills to pay, interview questions to write, people to contact, and I have to be clear, focused, and razor sharp or these things won’t get done. Instead, I want to crawl into my bed with a package of oreo cookies, watch a chick flick, and have a good cry.

I called two friends to vent and that helped. So has writing this. But I still feel a bit like I need to jump out of my own skin.

How do you get work done when your personal life is crashing down around your ears?

My husband is out of town for a seminar at Notre Dame this month. So, it’s just me here with the kids. And I have to say, from a time perspective, it’s kicking me. Although I went through a divorce and have been a single mother before, I forgot. I forgot what it’s like to be the only one in the house who can cook, drive a car, go grocery shopping, pay bills, and clean the litterbox. Okay, the kids can clean the litterbox, but it depends on how well you want that job to be done. Not to mention do the laundry (oops, there are clothes in the washing machine right now that need to be moved), answer questions, and try to hang out with the kids, because isn’t that why I wanted to work at home to begin with?

Finding time to work efficiently has been a little more catch-as-you-can than usual this week. I was at a baseball game for nearly three hours on Monday evening. Last night, some neighbors stopped by and we chatted for an hour during time I had scheduled to work. Tonight, there is another baseball game.

Fortunately, the kids are old enough to play independently for most of the day, and I don’t have an active toddler climbing on me while I type. Small favors.

Yesterday, I read the interview with Tina Sharkey of BabyCenter, who has a live-in babysitter, because she and her husband both work full days away from home. That babysitter sounds so nice right now. (It is a great interview, by the way– Tina sounds like an amazing person!). Fortunately, I do have a housekeeper. Unfortunately, she didn’t come last week, and I don’t know for certain yet whether she is coming this week, and yesterday, the belt came off the vacuum, and I haven’t had two free seconds to sit on the floor with the electric screwdriver to try to fix it.

What on earth do you do to make it all work as a single mom?

Edited to add… I just read Mir’s post about this on her blog. She says that there are three basic approaches to dealing with kids in the summer if you work from home: do nothing, and let the kids entertain themselves; enroll them in camp; or hire a sitter. So I thought I would share what my kids are up to today (which I was embarrassed to share earlier, but now think I should). Last night, we went to the video store and I let them pick out three “scary” (i.e. rated no higher than PG-13) movies and they are having a movie-a-thon today. The only problem is when I have to go in and sit with them during a minorly scary part. But for the most part, they are happy and so am I. Now, if only I could figure out how to get my laptop into the movie theatre later this week when I take them to see Harry Potter…

I have been traveling a lot, as I noted in an earlier post this week. Despite this travel, which was ostensibly a “vacation,” I managed to complete one of the most challenging projects of my career to date. I still have a little work to do this weekend on a tangential project, but last night I was able to send it off to the client with a feeling of accomplishment. The relief has not yet kicked in.

So, how do you get work done when you are traveling? I do it all the time. Here are some tips:

1) Make sure your laptop has a well-charged battery. This means remembering to plug it in overnight in the hotel just so the battery has a full charge in the morning, and also to make sure that your battery is in good enough condition to warrant use without a plug. Test this before you go.

1.5) Never, never NEVER put a water bottle in your laptop bag if you are going to have both with you on an airplane. Even if you don’t open the water bottle. Your water bottle will explode all over your laptop. IF that happens, do NOT turn your laptop on or plug it in to see if it’s dead: the electrical current passing through the water will fry it. If your laptop gets wet, open it and do everything you can to drain the water, turn it upside down for at least 24 hours, and go chew your nails to a stump somewhere else. Away from your laptop.

2) Don’t think you need to be in a wi-fi location to work. In fact, I got some of my best work done this week because I was working in places that had no internet connection: The library at Notre Dame University, a chartered bus to Chicago, a commuter train from Chicago.

3) If you plan to be away from your computer during the day, and therefore away from your work, get up early. I got significant work done on my project this week by getting up and working for three hours before we had anything planned. That way, I was able to appease my conscience that was screaming for me to work constantly, and also my husband, who wanted to enjoy Chicago.

4) Don’t accept new work right before you go. I was working on a deadline that couldn’t be budged. Even though I had been working on it daily for the two weeks leading up to my travel, I still was not finished. I had no other choice than to bring the work– or cancel my trip. But I certainly wouldn’t have taken on a new project right before I left, or accepted one while I was on my trip.

5) Enjoy your breaks. Even with a deadline looming, I was able to fully enjoy my time away from my computer. I ate samosas at the Taste of Chicago, went to the gift shop at the Art Institute, and walked until I had blisters. As a result, when I sat down to work, I was completely focused. I didn’t waste time, I didn’t surf the net aimlessly, and I didn’t sneak time in on blogs for pleasure. I worked. And because I was in a new environment, I didn’t need the other distractions the web usually provides for me. The change in location was exciting and fun and relaxed me, so I was actually able to work very efficiently.

Nobody likes to take work on their vacation. Nobody. But I am self-employed, and the projects I work on have deadlines that are out of my and my clients’ control. I have to get them done. So, I try to make the best of it and take the constant juggle with me.

Surely, I am not the only one. Do you have any traveling work stories?

That title is supposed to be funny. Because it is a joke.
Consultants and the self-employed don’t get vacations. And yet, here I am! On Not-A-Vacation!

All this week, I am going to be blogging (and working!) from various locations. In fact, that is one of the primary reasons I am so late with my post today. Yesterday, my husband and I kissed the children goodbye as they went off for a week with their father (yes, I am divorced and re-married), packed the car, and drove eight hours to South Bend, Indiana. We live in Northern Missouri, and my husband, a religion professor, is in the middle of a six-week seminar at Notre Dame.

Today, we have been in South Bend at his rental house, which is a little bizarre. Last night, I looked through the CDs on the headboard of his bed and felt like I was hooking up with some guy and looking through the stuff in his room for the first time. Tomorrow through Thursday, we will be in Chicago (seminars take field trips! Who knew?), then back to South Bend, and then I will drive home Friday afternoon. It’s complicated.

In the midst of all of this travel, I also have deadlines. In my life as a medical editor, I have a major deadline this week. It is a project that I have been working on every single day for the past three weeks. It is, in a word, Challenging. So, for the past three weeks, especially since my husband has been out of town and I have been flying solo not only as the boss and employee of my company but also as a single mother, I have been a little stressed out.

Last week, I went to the doctor for my yearly physical exam, and my blood pressure was high for me. I should clarify that usually my blood pressure is so low that it’s questionable whether I am even alive. But I pride myself on this. I depend on this. So, to have my blood pressure suddenly quite higher than normal was very alarming. I came home and could swear that I could feel my blood pulsing through my body. I could swear that I could feel my heart beating. This sensation persisted for… well, that was Thursday and this is Monday, and I am just now starting to calm down a little bit. A change of scenery, even with deadlines looming, has done me a world of good. I don’t have any stressors associated with this house, these rooms, these walls. So, I have been able to work and also spend a little time visiting Touch Down Jesus at Notre Dame University.

Don’t get me wrong. I would love to take a normal vacation sometime. I am wondering whether that has happened since I embarked on self-employment two years ago. Nothing comes to mind. It is part of the trade off. But it could be worse: If I weren’t a consultant and I had a deadline like this, I would be sitting in a cubicle and working through my holiday without overtime pay, and my husband would be two states away without me.

What are your vacations like? Do you actually get to have them?

I love to joke with people about my boss:

My boss is a real bitch.

My boss makes me work overtime.

I asked my boss for some vacation time, and she said no.

Boy, when I was talking to my Human Resources person about my kid being sick, she was so sympathetic! It was like she had just been through it too!

You can imagine my shock when I found out my husband was sleeping with my boss!

However, even though I joke, I am acutely aware that as a self-employed person, I wear all of these hats alone. And in order to be fair to my clients, my boss, and my employee, I have to divide myself into all of these people ruthlessly. My boss pays me once a month. She doesn’t care whether she has extra money in the business coffers when I am running low. And I do not ask her for advances.

My employee expects to be paid, regardless of whether my clients have paid the company for services yet or not. And she does not understand, nor should she be expected to, that academic departments, who provide the bulk of payments for our services, work slowly. She still has to pay for health insurance, a car loan, a mortgage, and her three children, as she reminds me every time she balances her checkbook.

The boss who is a mother and the employee who is a mother are often at odds as well. Take yesterday for example. As the boss, I was fully aware of deadlines and responsibilities, and I wanted my employee to make a certain amount of progress before the working day was done. As the employee, I wanted flex time: I wanted to take a break in the afternoon to take my kids to the pool and to attend my son’s baseball game, in return for working very late hours last night. My boss should have known better: By 12:25 a.m., I was exhausted and vowed to be a better, more focused employee in the morning.

It’s a balancing act every single day. Will I be a better boss today or a better employee? Will family responsiblities win out, or deadlines? Today, I will get more done on my deadlines simply by virtue of the fact that my son doesn’t have a baseball game. I usually go to karaoke on Tuesday nights with my husband, but he is out of town, and I have work to do. Every day, weighing and measuring, taking accounts. One person could go crazy with trying to manage it all, wear so many hats alone.

So, how do I keep from going crazy? It all boils down to one thing: My kids. It sounds cheesey and hokey, but actually it is a lot more simple and practical. I think for most people it all comes down to the children: I work to provide for my children. Some days, it is more important to meet the deadline that will feed them. However, I am not just a drone who feeds the children and ignores them the rest of the time. Some days it is more important to remember why I became my own boss in the first place. It is more important to set less urgent work aside so I can thrill in my children. If I remember each day what the most important thing is– my children– then I manage to get the balance right. That is the trick. Simple, right? Underneath the bills, the dishes, and the deadlines, the kids are buried there somewhere. You just have to dig through all the other stuff to find them.

I got my Blackberry PDA/phone almost a year and a half ago. I can no longer remember whether I knew before I walked into the store that I wanted one, or whether I was simply in the store to get a new phone for either me or my husband. But either way, I walked out with a Blackberry and my husband got my old phone.

My husband has no interest in having a Blackberry. He doesn’t need to be as connected to his email and the Internet as I do. I am self-employed and home-based, so I like staying connected to clients via email. But it’s not that simple. I don’t think my clients necessarily expect to have 24-hour access to me. It is that I like to have 24-hour access to THEM.

I get scolded by friends a lot in social situations for whipping out my Blackberry and checking email, or worse: instant messaging. It’s like a compulsion, a nervous habit. Something to do with my hands. However, it makes me feel, at times, like my life occurs 90% inside my computer (or my little hand-held soul). It’s a tough balancing act. I could leave my Blackberry at home, but then I wouldn’t have a cell phone. I have three children and a husband, so not having a phone with me in this digital age is a major inconvenience, not to mention a major impracticality. The only times I don’t have it nearby are when I am sleeping, showering, or running.

In recent weeks, my beloved Blackberry has been showing signs of weariness, signs of illness, overuse, old age. People tell me they cannot hear me when I am on the phone with them. I have to pop out the battery more and more when the phone freezes up as I am trying to end a call. The new battery is refusing to hold a charge for as long as it should after a day of relative inactivity. Yesterday, I spent two hours online with a technical support representative downloading new sofware, when I know that I am probably going to have to replace my phone. This has led me to do some soul-searching and to ask myself: Do I really need a Blackberry? Does anybody really need to be so connected? Who would it hurt if I didn’t have one? Do I really need to check email during long car trips or in airports? Does anybody besides me really care?

I think having my Blackberry makes me less engaged my in my life. I have been known to check email during movies, at dinners with friends, during baseball games (both professional and little league), while my husband was having hernia surgery, while I am at the pool with my kids, at karaoke, everywhere. It’s rude, it’s compulsive, and I am starting to think that it is more intrusive than it is necessary. One of the ways I know that this is an addiction is that then I start to justify it, tell myself that it’s not hurting anyone. I tell lie to myself that it’s quiet and inobtrusive. And I start to feel a little panicky to think of not having it. I take my purse to the bathroom so I can check it. I am worse than a teenage girl sneaking cigarettes in the bathroom. What would I do every other second without it?

Have you quit your Blackberry? Was it okay? Will I be okay if I quit mine? What is your addiction? What piece of technology or adjunctive to our business can you not live without? And what would you do?