“I mean, you see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet.”
- Cher Horowitz, “Clueless“
So I tried the thong. And it was … uncomfortable. I wound up returning one of the two that I bought last week (don’t worry, I only returned the one that I did not wear) because I cannot see this becoming a staple of my lingerie wardrobe.
Which is unfortunate because I have about a half dozen pairs of pants that could really benefit from a thong. Or something similar.
GAP 1969 lightweight corduroy leggings, $59.95 — hello, VPL!
I really wanted the thong to work, but I just can’t do it. It was awkward to wear — I wasn’t sure I had it on right, for one thing, and it’s not like I could call Rita and say, “Hey, run over here and tell me if this looks like it’s straight.” I mean, we’re close and all but … no one is that close. At least not in my neighborhood.
I was also totally conscious of the thong every single second that I had it on. In fact, I felt a little like I was holding my breath all day, afraid to move because if I did something might go wrong with the thong. I don’t know what I thought would happen, but the mere possibility made me super nervous. I’m pretty sure my backside did look better in the thong but only because I had my butt clenched all day. It was exhausting.
And then there’s the issue of my backside, and of how exposed I felt in the thong. I’m slim and toned, but the knowledge that my derriere was just … hanging out there, with nothing between it and my pants, was a little off-putting for me. My 43-year-old tush is in good shape, but it needs some support. The thong left me feeling like I was mooning the world, which was a little distracting. Ok, a lot distracting.
I’m researching boy shorts now — I’m thinking that may be the most practical alternative. I’m hearing good things about the GAP’s sexy lace girl shorts (again with the sexy! can’t I just cover my bum without being sexy?) — do any of you wear these? Let’s hear about them — or about whatever else you’ve got on under your pants.
Speaking of which, here’s one last thing that is baffling me: some of you confessed to going commando to avoid the VPL. While I can see how this would work, I cannot for the life of me see how it would be comfortable to skip the undies all together. Sure, you avoid the wedgie, but isn’t there a certain amount of chafing? Going commando also seems a bit unsanitary — what do you do about dry clean only pants, for example? Dry clean them after every wearing? That seems like a lot of hassle, and a lot of money.
Then again, I’m the girl who only wears a pair of jeans once before I launder them because the stretched-out knees bother me too much. I have issues. In case you haven’t noticed.