Working (On) Motherhood
with Leah
Hi. I'm Leah and I'm expecting my first baby in
December. I've often called my career as a book editor my "dream job," but
the closer I get to my son's arrival, the more I'm open to revising that
definition, especially once I'm in the thick of trying to balance
full-time, first-time motherhood with a part-time office job.
Check out my profile on Work It, Mom! and my personal blog, A Girl and a Boy.
I love being a mother at a time when there’s such widespread conversation and openness about the hard parts, the ugly parts, the unshowered-for-days parts of parenthood. Entire communities are built on such openness–this site being one of them–and it’s always a comfort to know that whatever I’m going through, I’m not alone. But sometimes I wonder if sharing the bad has made it hard for us to also share the good. Sometimes I feel that truth in parenting has come to mean we only dish about the dark side, that being honest only ever means exposing our worst selves, and that no one wants to hear about the time you kicked butt, took names, and did something awesomely, perfectly right.
What do you think? Does it sometimes feel like we have to talk only about the bad stuff, the blunders, and the downright failures in order to be part of the motherhood sisterhood? I ask this in response to not only some comments on a previous post but also after watching friends feel hesitant about sharing some of their parenting triumphs. One friend felt weird admitting (admitting!) breastfeeding was easy and she *gasp* even enjoyed it. Another friend was looking for advice on parenting an early reader, but she didn’t quite know how to bring it up without feeling like a show-off. Whether it’s a good work schedule, a helpful partner, a baby who sleeps through the night, a toddler who was potty-trained on the first try, or a teenager who earned straight A’s, all of these are accomplishments (or happy accidents) we should be proud of–and proud to share–without feeling embarrassed or, worse, feeling afraid that someone’s going to shoot us down with the emotional equivalent of posting a ”My kid can beat up your honor student” sticker on their bumper.
It just doesn’t make sense. We put so much effort into raising healthy, happy, smart kids, and we try so hard to find balance in our own lives, but then we’re not supposed to talk about it? I get that misery loves company, but do people really only want to hear about our mistakes and insecurities? Sure, no one likes a braggart, but shouldn’t there be some way for us to publicly celebrate our triumphs (and our children’s triumphs) without feeling vulnerable to attack?
Extra credit: Share something awesome about the way you parent your children. What are you really good at as a mother?
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Good point. I guess studying Buddhism has helped me to get past this (and probably being older helps too), but it seems most moms aren’t there yet. We as a society are not great at celebrating others’ successes - and I think it’s because we are programed to doubt our own worth. I think this is true for many men too, by the way.
How would our mentality change if we believed the following:
Being happy is a duty.
A duty! I really believe this. It needs to be prioritized! There can be no guilt in doing your duty. Set aside time to figure out what you need to do to be more happy. Get rid of emotional baggage? Stop watching TV? Cut off toxic relationships? Get more sleep? Read some spiritual literature? Whatever it takes, figure it out and do it. Then check back with us about whether it’s OK to say “hey guys, I never have to buy or wash another diaper, yeah!!”
Your children will never look back and say “I hate my mom because she was too happy all the time.” (They may find some other reason to hate you for a few years - as most kids do - but that will pass!)
SKL | July 15th, 2009 at 7:57 am
I’m really good at reading to my kids every day and not turning to the TV.
beck | July 15th, 2009 at 9:02 am
It’s true. I have gotten snide “joking” comments as a result of confessing that I cook from scratch every single night, breastfed exclusively for more than a year and a half per child, and enjoy cooking and baking with my toddlers. I love these things, and am proud of them, and they make me happy as a mom, but yes, sometimes people don’t want to hear about the good parts, only the struggles. However, in general, I do believe it’s better for moms that we can now be open about the hard part of mothering. I’d rather the norm lean more in this direction than the other. You need a lot more support for the hard parts than the easy!
Shannon | July 16th, 2009 at 5:52 am
It isn’t only in parenting, either. I know lots of people think I’m out of line when I write “I don’t need to work, because I have no bills and plenty of savings.” I write it anyway. Why? Because I want people to realize that financial freedom not an impossible goal; and also, that working is a choice, it’s not something out of our control. My mom told me: you will always have debt no matter what, so don’t let it get you down. Well, that’s not true, and there’s much happiness to be had by people who figure out how to make their debt go away. (No, I am not promoting a self-help book or Website! Just the honest, healthy truth.) I truly believe that even if my “successes” rub some people the wrong way, they are helping someone, somewhere, who is about to start what I’ve finished and is looking for some validation.
SKL | July 16th, 2009 at 6:17 am
I was just so relieved to read your post! I too feel like I have to keep my parenting accomplishments to myself for fear of looking like a “show-off” I am incredibly lucky to have a job that I love with a flexible working schedule (8-4), incredibly benefits (that include dedicated time off for “child involvement” and a supportive boss. I am able to pick up my son by 4:30 and spend the rest of the afternoon swinging, playing in the pool and reading. I feel like I have the best of both worlds and strangely feel guilty sometimes when talking to my friends who are working moms and don’t get home until 7 or later and only get to spend an hour with their children in the evening. Why should I feel guilty? Upon returning from leave, I negotiated my schedule so that it would work for me and my family. I recognize a LOT of people do not have this luxury and I am extremely grateful for it - just feel like I have to keep it to myself when my friends start talking about their demanding schedules as working moms.
KJ | July 16th, 2009 at 6:56 am
I love that you brought this up and think it’s so true - we are hesitant to tell what we do really good for fear of appearing to be bragging & boasting in front of others. I’d like to think if we all shared more of what we did do well on any given day, we’d all be better for it and maybe even have more happiness and balance in our lives!
As a mom, I’ve learned to be really good at being present with my little boy when reading to him or spending special cuddle time!
Thanks again - great topic!
Angela
Owner, Coach of The Mom Exchange: Coaching for Mom’s Who Want More!
Angela Estes | July 16th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Leah, you know I love you, but OH MY GOD. Seriously? I mean, seriously, is this a real problem? Man, if the worst thing that’s happening in someone’s day is that they’re hesitant on how to share the details of their happy life, having angst over the issue is just LOOKING for things to feel crappy about.
Linda | July 16th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
That’s just it: Most days this IS the only thing I can muster any angst about. Most days all I can think is how good things are, and more than once I’ve had people (other mothers) react to that in a negative way, which sucks. I try not to be in-your-face about things, especially because I know a lot of mothers are having a hard time out there, but I still wish happiness wasn’t something anyone was ever made to feel apologetic about.
Leah K | July 16th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
What I am proud of as a mother is letting my kids try things on their own(most of the time atleast, as my husband would let them do even more things) and encourage them enough.
Lakshmi | July 17th, 2009 at 6:13 am
I don’t know, my best friend and I gripe about our kids but share the highlights too. I’ll hear about her moving up one level in swimming as readily as the day she’s driving her mother up the wall.
My good parenting point, physical contact. That may seem weird to people, but ,my child is autistic so she doesn’t naturally want to touch or be touched. But I make sure to spend some time each day giving her hugs, holding her hand, tickle game, something to keep contact going so she can remember it is an important part of life. And slowly she’s stopped shying away from a friend grabbing her hand to pull her over or giving her grandmothers hugs.
Mich | July 17th, 2009 at 10:00 am
This is one of those online vs. real world problems. I mean, really, does anyone in the real world criticize another person for being happy? I highly doubt it. Although I’m more attracted to people who recognize both the bitter and the sweet in life. It’s more realistic.
I will say, though that if we’re talking online, there is a very distinct difference between being happy and being smug and/or fake about it. I don’t care HOW happy you are — I’m pretty fucking happy, for example — life is not all sunshine and roses and golden and GLEEFUL all the time, with perfect children and perfect partners and oh LOOK! LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL LIFE! Bloggers who pull that really grate my cheese, because it’s not a real person we’re witnessing. It’s a fakey fakepants character.
jonniker | July 17th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
The danger, I think, is that what might look like fake happiness to outsiders might actually be the truth. It’s that very problem that makes me sometimes feel hesitant to write about the good stuff (especially concerning my son) because I know there are people out there who think I’m lying because, for example, he couldn’t possibly have slept through the night since day one (but he did! I swear! and I’m not bragging, just stating a fact in the place where I record that sort of thing).
I also think there’s developed a somewhat unfair expectation in the blogging community for people to be 100 percent real about 100 percent of their lives, when I don’t think that’s something ANYONE is doing, regardless of what they say. We’re all keeping at least a little to ourselves, whether that be money issues, sex lives (or the lack thereof), or the hard parts about being a parent. Not everyone blogs in the same way and with the same purpose, so for some people, blogging about the bad stuff might not be the sort of thing they EVER want to write about, for instance, if they’re afraid their judgmental mother-in-law will use it as a point of criticism, or if they’re keeping a blog as a shiny-happy record they hope to pass down to their children one day. (Some of us think it’s valuable for our kids to hear the bad along with the good, but not everyone thinks that way.) Different strokes and all that.
Leah K | July 17th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Well, of course no one is 100 percent real about their lives 100 percent of the time. But that applies to real life, too. But .. hm, I have to say, I’m pretty honest about everything I can be, and the only things I don’t share are out of respect for other people, not because I’m trying to pretend that my life is a certain way, and I want to project a certain image. I’m not lobbing all of this directly at you, but I am saying that I’m not particularly into the shiny blogger people.
And to your point, yes, everyone blogs differently and for different reasons, but like in life, I’m attracted to the people who at least make an attempt to display the real stuff. But I maintain that yes, when things look happy 100 percent of the time and it’s all shiny and great all the time, then people are holding back. And I’m just not all that into that, both in online and in life. We’re human. No one is perfect, and I am tremendously attracted not just to the good stuff about people, but the bad, or even just the annoying, and how they handle it. It is how we connect, I think, on many levels.
But! Like I said, there’s a way to share the good stuff without sounding smug, and many people haven’t quite mastered that. I’m more apt to cheer along with you if there’s some sense of generosity of spirit behind it. And again, I think this applies to real life as much as online.
jonniker | July 17th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
I should add however, that in parenting, I make a special effort to talk about the good stuff, only because it’s easier to bitch about the negatives for the sake of commiserating and some sense that we’re not alone. But the good FAAAAAR outweighs the bad, and with that in mind, it’s a bit ironic that I forget to mention it.
jonniker | July 17th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
In “real life” . . . .
I recall my mom telling me that she avoided saying good stuff about her kids because other people don’t want to hear that your kid is better than theirs in any way.
I also have Indian friends who believe that if you say something nice about a child (or prized possession), you bring a sort of bad luck (literally, “evil eye”) upon them. For this reason, some people will even put marks on their kids’ faces to prevent people from looking at them and thinking “that child is beautiful.” I am not terribly superstitious, but I see some logic in this - parents are often defensive about their kids’ weak areas; this means they may get jealous if those happen to be my kids’ strong areas; jealousy is a negative vibe that I believe can affect my kid. I’d rather my friends feel glad that their kid talked earlier than my kid, than feel crappy that my kid read first.
Then too, I’ve been around kids enough to know that every one of them is remarkable in some areas and challenged in other areas. And also that all kids go through stages of amazingly rapid mental growth, making all doting parents convinced that their kid is a genius at one time or another. Hence even when my kid wows me, I try to keep it in perspective. And finally, my kids have taught me that the instant I say something nice about them, they must immediately prove me wrong, so that helps me to avoid the temptation.
My online self depends on what site I’m on. Here, if I’m going to comment on a parenting or career issue that I’ve resolved in my life, I’m going to offer up what worked for me. I don’t feel that “yeah, I have that problem too, screaming only helps temporarily” is all that helpful most of the time. Especially if it’s something that’s obviously common or 10 other people have already commiserated. I assume people come here for ideas more than for sympathy, but I could be wrong.
SKL | July 17th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Jonniker–For the record, I’m totally with you on this one. I too am more drawn to bloggers who tend to show a fuller picture rather than just one side or (worse?) just the surface of their lives, but I think that’s more a matter of reader taste than the failure of some writers to live up to some code of “blogging honesty.” Unfortunately, there is a contingent out there who thinks blogging should be done a certain way and anything less should be criticized, and I think that’s a shame. Some people just want to talk about how cute their kids are and post pictures, and there’s nothing wrong with that (although it probably won’t be the most interesting reading unless you’re actually related to those kids). Like you, I’m content to let everyone do what they want to do, write what they want to write, and then I just read the stuff that appeals to me and ignore the rest, no judgment attached. (I agree, however, that it would rub me the wrong way if I found out a blogger (or real life friend) was purposely misrepresenting herself while simultaneously claiming to be “honest.” That’s just bad form.)
SKL–You point out one of the wonderful differences in commenting styles: some people comment to commisserate, some to lend support, and some to share advice. That range of response is one of the things I most appreciate about the blogging community (especially because it’s not always something we can get–and certainly not in such numbers–in real life).
Leah K | July 18th, 2009 at 8:55 am
I am also THRILLED that you wrote this! I am a happy person and work with a bunch of grumbling grumpy IT men. They tease me constantly about always being so happy. Funny thing though - when i went out on maternity leave they missed my happy self and more than one said they were very glad i was back because i helped dissipate the negativity. I am not trying to be braggy here, but i am sure someone will take it that way. ultimately - i figure the postivie influence is more important!
Same goes for us as parents - when we share positive outcomes to what we are doing right and how our individual kids (and their individual personalities) are responding well to various parenting styles, we help everyone MORE. Sharing resolutions, methods and ideas is much more constructive than just complaining.
I personally avoid blogs etc that just complain. i want to hear the issue and the response and the possible resolution (must be the influence of all those engineers!)
Also SKL - please tell me you are blogging somewhere! I absolutely LOVE this ‘Being happy is a duty’ !!! i may have to post that in my cube…
(plus i just enjoy how you write and think there should be more of it out there on the internets 
)
Kate | July 20th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Kate, thank you very much! I don’t have a personal blog, actually. But I’m glad that you can relate to the “happiness is a duty” philosophy. Feel free to build on it in your own blogging.
SKL | July 20th, 2009 at 8:48 am
I talk about both the good and bad with my son because I just love to talk about him!!
I only usually post questions about the difficult stuff because that’s the only stuff I need advice on. But if you ask me about him, I will gush with pride about how strong and independent he is. 
Oceans Mom | July 20th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Leah,
You made some great points. I think women are afraid to brag…about anything, even our mothering abilities.
So, here’s what I’m good at…teaching my kids to settle their own arguments. I’ve learned how to avoid intervening in fights unless there’s blood involved. And, it has made a big difference in my kids’ ability to resolve their own differences.
I love this idea of focusing on what we do well. It’s refreshing!
Work/Life Balancing Act | July 20th, 2009 at 1:04 pm