Working (On) Motherhood
with Leah
I'm Leah, and in a lucky twist of fate, I've landed my three dream jobs:
book editor, writer, and mother. Since having my son in December 2008, my
work-life has been in constant flux - full-time? part-time? freelance?
working at home or in the office? It depends on the day and which way the
wind is blowing - and figuring out how to keep it all going is a constant
challenge. Heck, I'm still getting used to the idea of being someone's
mom.
Check out my profile on Work It, Mom! and my personal blog, A Girl and a Boy.
In the last few weeks, my son, now eleven months old, has blown us away with suddenly knowing the meanings of dozens of words, as well as the sounds and actions associated with them. We ask him what the lion says and he goes “raaaaawr”; we ask him to retrieve Goodnight Moon, and he will; we ask him what the alligator does and he opens and closes his hands like tiny snapping jaws. (That little trick earned him a sticker from the alligator docent at the aquarium today!) We’ve been using the ASL sign for “more” since we first sat him in his highchair and spooned soupy rice cereal into his toothless mouth last spring, and at last he’s signing back to us–well, his interpretation, anyway, tapping the heels of his hands together instead of the fingertips, which very well might be the sign for “Please stop, as I do not like these green beans, mother,” but I guess we’ll never know for sure, will we?, at least not until he starts forming complete sentences. Tough beans, kid! Maybe next year! (If I sound bitter, it’s because I suspect he’s been signing “milk” nonstop this week simply because he can and not because he’s STILL HUNGRY OMG MY BOOBS CAN’T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS ABUSE SIMILAC TAKE ME AWAY.)
These new feats of personhood leave me proudly heart-swollen, of course (and also painfully chest-swollen), but they also make me go slackjawed with terror because, woah nelly, if he can understand “book” and “milk” and “shoe,” what other colorful four-letter words does he hear fly out of my mouth? My better half solidifies his better-halfness every time he catches me talking blue around our baby–”rats,” “phooey,” and “dagnabbit” will celebrate a revival in our house if he has anything to say about it–and although I haven’t quite gotten the hang of it this new church-lady language, I am trying (sometimes).
When I was growing up, my parents never swore much around me, and I certainly never swore around them. I once slipped and said “Taco Hell” instead of “Taco Bell” and thought I was going to melt a hole through the back seat of the car, so firey was my flush of embarrassment. What I didn’t hear at home, though, I heard elsewhere–in movies, at school, and around the ‘hood, aka the squeaky-clean suburbs of Salt Lake City–and if swear words weren’t always a part of my daily verbiage, they were at least part of my known lexicon, ever at the ready if I needed one in a pinch (and I occasionally did).
Yet, even though I knew all the swear words and how to use them and when and why, I think it was healthy to grow up knowing they were taboo, something for adults but not kids, something to be whispered under one’s breath and with the dark thrill of rule-breaking. As a child, I never used a swear word without feeling a little bit bad about it, and I think that was a good balance for me. I was too Pollyanna about too many other things; expletives were all I had.
As an adult, I’ve heard the argument that swear words indicate a weak vocabulary and feeble mind, but to those people I say…phooey. I never underestimate the power of a well-placed f-bomb, and I don’t think being a mother will ever change that, no matter how trashy and juvenile that makes me.
How about you? Do you swear around your kids? If you do, did you teach them that swearing is for adults only, or are they allowed to swear as well? Do you have rules about what particular words can be used, and when and where? (I knew kids whose parents let them swear only at home and only to express frustration, not to insult others.) Or did you give up swearing when you had kids, avoiding the habit entirely as a way of teaching your children that foul language is not acceptable in any context? (And for kicks, does anyone have any funny stories about swearing toddlers? My brother called my grandma “scumbag” when he was two years old, and we’re still laughing about it twenty-six years later (although not in front of Grandma!).)
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I shouldn’t, but I do it sometimes, when I don’t have the calmness required to think of a better word.
Mostly, I now say “rats” instead of various other words.
Today I informed my 3-year-old that her a$$ had better be sitting on that floor until her shoes and socks are on. That is unusual, though. They have, however, heard me say a$$ in a joking manner. I’m working on it. Butt, booty, fanny . . . .
My kids remind me periodically that I have to be more conscious. About a month ago my daughter articulately pronouned, “you said a$$, hole? Why did you say that, Mommy?” (Answer: because if someone is going to stop his big fat SUV in the road for an extended period during morning rush hour, at least he shouldn’t stop it in the MIDDLE of the road so that nobody can get by in either direction.)
When I do slip and I am not in mean mommy mode, I tell my kids those are “bad words” and they should never say them. When they slip out during a tirade, I pretend it never happened. Neither of them has ever repeated the really bad ones back - yet.
SKL | November 18th, 2009 at 6:57 am
This isn’t really my story, but it’s too good to not share.
My friend lived in Germany when her kids were little, and she stayed home with them, which really meant driving them all over. German drivers tend to be really quick when the light changes and will honk if they think the car in front is taking too long (more than a millisecond).
One day, she and her husband were in the car with the kids in the back. Her husband took too long when the light changed and someone honked behind them, and from the backseat they hear a little voice grumble “F-ing German drivers!”
Elizabeth | November 18th, 2009 at 7:52 am
I am not one to curse a whole lot, but I definitely don’t do it in front of the kids.
I still do the “kind of” swears, as is proven by Graham’s perfect use of, “What the…?”
Angella | November 18th, 2009 at 10:18 am
I swear around other people’s kids. Because I’m an inconsiderate jerk who forgets things like Proper Etiquette.
With that admission, I can now tell you that my favorite Great Aunt Violet curse words are blast and piffle.
Moose | November 18th, 2009 at 10:37 am
My parents never swore around us. Hell, my mom still gets mad when I say the words “pissed” or “sucks” around her (and for that matter, “hell,” too). I know I’m going to have to seriously clean up the language now that Sophie’s getting older, and it’s so hard. It’s not that I think hearing her drop an f-bomb at home would be the end of the world (and I’d probably end up laughing), but do I really want her running around daycare doing it? Probably not.
Amy | November 18th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Much like you, I grew up around parents who never swore. I don’t think they swear, period. There was much teasing and hilarity when we happened to hear my mother say ‘crap’ and I don’t think she’ll ever hear the end of it.
I never really got in the habit of swearing but I’m completely in agreement with you about well-placed swear words. I have no problem with that, but I don’t do it just because I’ve gone so long w/out swearing it seems strange hearing those words come out of my mouth.
As far as the weak vocabulary and feeble mind argument for people who swear frequently? Maybe in some cases. But I think there’s “intelligent” swearing too; one of my favorite examples is Tertia. (http://www.tertia.org/so_close/)
beck | November 18th, 2009 at 11:58 am
I should note that my mom swore like a sailor, all the time. I’m not sure how, but all of us learned early which words were only for Mom to utter.
My mom used to come out with a string of swear words 12 syllables long every time she got frustrated. She also used multi-word curses to describe us when we were the source of the frustration.
We survived and all 6 of us adore our mom. It’s just part of who she is.
Now I can say I am not nearly that colorful, so I am confident that my kids will be OK even though they have been exposed to a few choice words a few (or more) times.
SKL | November 18th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
I don’t have kids, but my sister-in-law stubbed her toe pretty badly when my nephew was 2 and half and she said “motherfucker”…which had my nephew totally freaked out because she seemed to upset, so then she tried to laugh it off and make it seem like a joyous occasion so for about 4 months my nephew would chant “motherf*cker motherf*cker” when he was happy. Hilarious.
Deidre | November 18th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
We’re trying to quit and have mostly managed to avoid cursing around my daughter. I don’t want to be the mom at the park who’s kid is dropping f bombs.
lainey | November 18th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
If I don’t curse around my future hypothetical child(ren), they’ll look like complete morons when they inevitably attempt to use bad language and do it incorrectly. I believe it is my duty as a future hypothetical parent to save them that shame.
In truth, though, my language isn’t awful and gratuitous, but there is a time and a place for foul language and, used appropriately, like in cases of toe stubbings and dropped dishes, it’s necessary. Though I don’t have kids and my opinion at the moment basically amounts to that of an idealistic 20 something who thinks she knows what she’s talking about and is really just obnoxious until she has kids of her oh and OH THEN SHE WILL KNOW, I pretty much figure I won’t make any serious effort to clean up my language, but will end up having the “we only use certain words in this house, because many people find them to be rude” talk instead.
TJ | November 18th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
I know I’m going to have to start seriously monitoring my mouth soon. I also worry about curbing the sarcasm. Really don’t want my kid to be the one in daycare who sees another kid trip and fall and comes back with “NICE!”
(Although that would be funny.)
jive turkey | November 19th, 2009 at 6:02 am
Both of us have foul mouths. I’ll admit it. And when Amelie started talking early, we both tried to curb it. But it was such an inherent part of our vocabulary that we didn’t really make a serious effort until about 2 months ago when she was almost 17 months old and said, “Oh thit!” when she dropped something.
Now we swear in German. (Little known fact: On the TV Show, Scrubs, Eliot is known for her catch phrase, “Frick!” which is, in fact, the German word for “Fuck”. So there are ways around that pesky FCC regulation after all!)
We haven’t taught her anything about swearing yet - I learned from my father, but my mother was adamant about not using the language and I still won’t drop an F-Bomb around her unless I’m really, really angry.
I like the idea that kids can swear to express frustration at home and not insult others though. [puts that one in the mommy pocket for later use]
Phe | November 19th, 2009 at 9:59 am
My daughter’s first cuss word was bitch (@ 18 months).
We have Rottweilers.
Heather | November 19th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Like many here, my foul mouth is not cured but it is a wake up call when your toddler says in their high-pitched sing-song “oh s&@!”
Now that she’s in school I get a list of other words I shouldn’t say “mommy you said something not nice!” At some points the “not nice” word or the cuss word is coming out so which is better?
Mich | November 19th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Once in a blue moon I do but I make a huge point not to and am very careful what I say. We don’t even use the words “shut up” or anything that sounds mean or rude in front of him. He repeats everything we say and the last thing I want is him running around yelling curse words. My dad used to curse a lot when he would get angry - we could hear him yelling from his workshop - and we would say these words all over town and think it was hilarious. In fact, one day i figured out how to write the “s” word and printed it on the blackboard I had at home for my dad to see when he got home. I was so proud that I learned to spell it but he wasn’t so excited.
Oceans Mom | November 19th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
@oceans mom: You know what’s funny? I’ll drop an F-Bomb around our daughter sooner than let her hear me tell anyone to “shut up”. I think that the latter is even more rude and demeaning than the former.
How bizarre.
Phe | November 20th, 2009 at 3:47 am
Phe, you misread! I said that I don’t even say “shut up”. lol It is rude, I wouldn’t teach him that!
Oceans Mom | November 20th, 2009 at 5:49 am
Yeah, come to think of it, I too feel worse about saying “shut up” than a lot of more colorful words. Though in my case, on the rare occasions that “shut up” has slipped out, the words “the f” may have been mixed in as well. (Mostly before my kids could have any clue what I was saying.) (You’d have to hear my daughter’s wound-up-nevergonnastop-screeching voice to relate.)
SKL | November 20th, 2009 at 6:53 am
Ha! SKL, my son has the same screech! I thought he was the only one.
Oceans Mom | November 20th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Ocean’s Mom, when my daughter first came home at 12mos, she would only drink like an ounce of milk at a time, and in between, she’d look at me and do this sucking thing that I took to mean “I want the rest of my bottle now.” Well, come to find out later that sucking thing really meant “I want my furry stuffed animal now.” (Poor thing!) So I’d be getting that bottle all nice and warm the way she was used to it in foster care, and even as I was walking toward her with it, the screeching, the screeching, aargh! STFU! She didn’t understand English, though, and I was ready to jump off the bridge around that time (what with 2 new babies and 2 jobs and all), so I gave myself a pass. Thank goodness she rarely does that any more, but a ghost of it does come back to visit at times.
SKL | November 20th, 2009 at 8:41 am
I swear like a sailor, in fact I swear like an army wife. I have two boys 6 and 3. I am very capable of using proper English and being lady like. There are certain times that call for an F-bomb, or crap fire and save the matches. My husband has to do 24 hour CQ on thanksgiving! Thanksgiving! SOB. My kids hear me, they know what I am saying is not to ever fall out of there mouths. My husband swears with no regard, there is a curse word in every single sentence. I like to think that my kids know better than to cuss, especially at school or directly to me or my husband.
When my oldest was about 3 or 4 we were eating chinese food and he was trying to use the spoon to scoop his food. He couldn’t get it so he set it down and said “That GodDamn Spoon”
It was hilarious, but he knows now.
Zoe | November 20th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Oh, I remember the first wake-up call I had that my kids were fully capable of remembering and repeating (about a year ago):
Me (rushed, frustrated, disrespected): “I don’t have time to f- with you.”
DD1 to DD2 (in the same tone): “No f- wit you!”
If I remember correctly, we were getting ready to visit the grandparents . . . but then again, I think my mom would have merely gotten a kick out of it (at that age). But, it was a long time before I let f- slip out in front of the kids again.
SKL | November 20th, 2009 at 11:59 am