Working (On) Motherhood
with Leah
I'm Leah, and in a lucky twist of fate, I've landed my three dream jobs:
book editor, writer, and mother. Since having my son in December 2008, my
work-life has been in constant flux - full-time? part-time? freelance?
working at home or in the office? It depends on the day and which way the
wind is blowing - and figuring out how to keep it all going is a constant
challenge. Heck, I'm still getting used to the idea of being someone's
mom.
Check out my profile on Work It, Mom! and my personal blog, A Girl and a Boy.
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Working moms sometimes get a bad rap. Other (mostly non-parent) coworkers complain that we get special treatment, that we aren’t as committed to our jobs, that we’re distracted, forgetful, and off our professional game since having kids. So what do we do? We buckle down, try harder, log extra time at night to make up for the hours we missed due to sick babies and/or piano recitals. We try to not just meet deadlines but beat them. In trying to prove that things haven’t changed now that we’re mothers, we try to be model employees in every way we can—attend every meeting, meet every goal, at least attempt to wear clothing not smeared with pureed mystery meat. But then…? The baby gets sick for the fourth time that month and peewee baseball camp gets moved from Thursday evenings to Wednesday afternoons and priorities shift and reshift and deadlines slip and before you know it half your business emails start with the words “I’m sorry.”
Man but it sucks when stereotypes ring true.
Despite my crafty use of the second-person narrative voice up there, you probably figured out that I’m talking about myself as much as I’m addressing the generic, anonymous working mom who’s not quite succeeding at the juggling act these days. And everything I said up there is true: I’m defaulting on promises, pushing back deadlines, and writing more “I’m sorry” emails than I have in my entire career. I keep thinking this is temporary, that we’re still in a major transition period—one that has so far involved sudden unemployment, full-time reemployment, first-time daycare, and extra freelance work on top of a regular job—but the longer the transition period stretches out (I’m even pushing back that deadline!), the more I’m afraid that this is just the new order of things and instead of trying to merely ride it out, I need to get busy inventing coping mechanisms.
And I get that acceptance might be the best first step in dealing with the mess—I do!—but boy do I hate accepting something when it essentially means admitting that yes, becoming a mother has changed the way I work. I certainly don’t want to perpetuate the stereotype that working moms are less valuable than other employees, but I think it’s important—at least it is to me—to concede that sometimes yes, my job does suffer in the wake of whatever parenting crisis I’m dealing with that week/day/hour. Even with a flexible schedule and the help of an involved partner and a dynamite childcare provider, I still find myself torn in a dozen directions at any given moment, and that is the exact opposite of being “pulled-together.” (And you know, in some ways sending my kid to daycare is just another place for me to fall short. I didn’t expect that.) So what do you do when you realize that all the negative things working moms are accused of are, well, sort of true, if even only temporarily?
For my part, I am, at the very least, apologetic about it. I’m not entitled, not smug, not combative, and I think that makes a big difference. When my employer is generous enough to offer me more flexibility, I certainly don’t gloat. In return, I hope my attitude toward the situation tempers the attitudes of those looking on from the other side, and if it doesn’t earn me leeway, I hope it at least garners some sympathy. Because I really am trying my best to do it all, even in the face of evidence that it really isn’t possible, at least not all the time. You, my fellow working moms, understand, don’t you?
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I sure do, girl. My employer is VERY flexible and VERY supportive of the “family is first” rain of thought but, yeah. I try to do it all and sometimes fail miserably.
Angella | July 7th, 2010 at 7:28 am
Oh I could write an entire book on understanding. I could schedule a happy hour date with you every night for a year (although, come on, we’d have to reschedule half those due to sick babies and lessons getting moved and LIVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY) and still have understanding left to commiserate over.
Some weeks we are working mother rockstars. Some weeks we hang on for dear life. Some weeks we get congratulated for being superheroes. Some weeks our bosses/kids/partners are all left feeling a little unsatisfied.
And, wee just keep trying.
Jennie | July 7th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
I don’t see anything wrong with this. If you had 2 huge clients taking up your entire work schedule, and your boss came in and told you now you’re going to take on another one - without easing up on any of the work for the first 2 - what would you say? You’d say boss, I am already working near capacity, and taking on 50% more isn’t possible unless I cut back on something else. It’s obvious, right? So, your kid is that 3rd huge client. You have no choice but to cut back on your other work. Might as well be up-front about it.
While some employers will offer you lots of flexibility for truly temporary issues, it is not fair to expect them (or your co-workers) to accommodate significant parenting demands in the long run without adjusting your compensation or other rewards/opportunities.
I decided to quit my job before becoming a parent because I knew I would not be willing to put in the time I’d put in before. I took a job with much lower pay but a lot more flexibility. And I was very up-front about the fact that I’m a single mom with lots of parenting demands. I still work very hard (harder than I intended), but at the same time, my kids get what they need. I do not feel guilty demanding certain things because I negotiated for them up-front.
SKL | July 7th, 2010 at 6:56 pm
Great thoughts and I can soooo relate. I think we feel like we should be able to juggle everything without ever dropping something. Inevitably with kids and a career something has to give.
I also decided to cut back to part time because I knew I did not have the emotional energy and did not want to give up so much of my time while I had children at home. I know not everyone has that option and I feel blessed. It is still a struggle some weeks though, when there is sickness or school activities that a parent needs to attend.
We all do the best we can, and i can honestly say I am still very productive at work, but not in the same manner I was before children. I have to have more flexibility and have negotiated that upfront as well.
NE | July 9th, 2010 at 3:08 am
Attitude makes a huge difference. It is temporary though .. it gets better.
andrea | July 9th, 2010 at 3:23 am
Totally understand.
I am very grateful for what I have, and I cannot complain. I am however looking forward to the day when my last-born (now almost 3) will be in school (I already have 2 kids in school in grades 6 and 3) so my day can become a lot more structured than it’s been the past 4 years (yes that includes when I was pregnant!).
Trish Cardona | July 11th, 2010 at 7:16 pm
I’m very lucky that my employer is so flexible as my little one has had alergies and we’ve had more then a few sick days.
I totally get the work harder when I can thing. I think I’m actually a better employee now then I was ever before when I didn’t have a family to support or anything to prove.
MamaLisa | July 12th, 2010 at 8:10 am
Great post. I have been doing the full time working mommy for almost two years and it has still not gotten better. My company is not very flexible and I am pregnant again and am worried about telling my management.
Good luck sounds like you are doing your best!
Divina | July 14th, 2010 at 11:47 am
I’ve been back at work for 2 months now and it’s been challenging. My first month I cried everyday because I missed my daughter and also because I felt like I wasn’t performing to the best of my ability at work.
While I feel more confident about my professional skills now and it’s slightly easier to say goodbye to my LO in the morning, I still feel like I never feel like I am finished with anything anymore. It’s also been frustrating because my non-parent work friends definitely think it’s unfair that I have a flexible schedule (I work 8:30-4:30)and then work from home an hour or so to make up for my pumping breaks and lunch break.) Having so recently been in their situation, I empathize, but at the same time, I don’t spend half the day on g chat or Facebook.
I’m the only working mother in the office, but there are 4working dads in my office. They don’t seem to feel guilty about leaving work early to pick up their kids.
The other thing I’ve found is that one of the project managers I’ve been working with, a mother, but her children are in her 20s, has made some passive aggressive remarks to me about “how I need to concentrate” more. She stayed at home for 3 years with her children, so I get the feeling that she does not approve of the fact that I am working. Not every woman has the financial ability to stay at home and at the same time, some women actually want to return to work.
This has been more of a ramble than anything, but I’ve decided that I am not going to apologize anymore for having to do rework my schedule to do “mother” things. It’s not productive and presents an image of timidity. As a mother, I want to show my daughter that she is capable of being a confident, intelligent and successful person in her personal and professional life. It’s not about “having it all”, but rather being able to handle through the challenges life presents with grace and strength.
rayreiko | July 16th, 2010 at 6:26 pm
@rayreiko - My only advice to you, after having worked ‘flexibly’ after nearly 3 years with my youngest is: DON’T FEEL GUILTY at work at all.
If you’re getting some flexible time at work or whatever else concessions your employer is giving you, JUST ACCEPT IT and be thankful. Don’t worry about any of your colleagues.
If they cannot accept it, they need to deal with it maturely (with the boss/manager) and any immature, passive/agressive or snide remarks just need to be ignored. I know it’s easier said than done, but at the end of the day, your work is between you and your boss.
Don’t worry about that either. I can tell you now most bosses understand your situation and admire the fact that you’re juggling an impossibly busy day. Also, it is still an advantage for them to retain you than hire someone new and train them. Your experience and knowledge is valuable to them, make no mistake about it. It is largely a business decision to keep you and to help you balance your life in the best way possible.
Accept your value and worth, and enjoy the best of both worlds.
Trish Cardona | July 16th, 2010 at 10:34 pm
What it all comes down to is, becoming a mother DOES change your outlook on life, work and what you’re willing to give to make it work. It is a balancing act — between the great days where it all works out and the hellish days you mentioned when nothing could have gone more wrong!
We all do the best we can and make choices we must be happy about.
Thank you for writing an honest post and sharing your emotions.
Maryline | July 18th, 2010 at 6:44 am
Oh my I do know where you’re coming from. I’ve been trying so hard to avoid fulfilling that stereotype. The planning, the trying not to apologize, the “appointments”…. It’s exhausting. But really it’s a trade off I was almost prepared for. I’ve got a good gig now; freelancing part time. I’m hoping this helps me keep my hand in for when/ if I go back to corporate in a few years after baby #2! Great post, thank you.
CrazyLovesCompany | July 19th, 2010 at 11:05 am