Work It, Dad!
with Avi Spivack
Hi, I'm Avi, and I try to put the work and the dad together, with mild success. This is all about trying to give you a view from what it looks like on the dad-man's side of the world, and I hope you find my ruminations humorous because I try not to take myself too seriously.
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On Tuesdays, I drive our daughter to her pre-school. And I love Tuesdays because I don’t have to run off to work and can spend the morning being less rushed. So this morning, after breakfast was consumed and she was chewing her gummy vitamins, she sat on my lap as we looked out the window, watching the rain and looking for squirrels.
And then we packed it up, I dropped her off at school, and I went to work. And I felt okay about all of that, even happy.
Which is why the recent Charlie LeDuff piece in “Men’s Vogue” really pisses me off. Because he essentially says that being the SAHD (stay-at-home-dad) that he is, he’s better than I. And all of my fellow fathers who go to work everyday.
F. That.
Judith Warner rants about this on her NY Times blog, and she comes at it from a different direction, from the perspective of a mother who is offended. And while she has some valid points, I read LeDuff’s piece as the father to whom he is speaking and offending directly.
In his words and silly types: “Mr. Half-at-Home”; “Mr. Oprah’s Book Club”; and “Mr. End of His Rope.” And guess what? I have likely been each of those in the three years that my daughter has existed, and I try not to feel too guilty about it. But it doesn’t make Mr. LeDuff a better father, does it?
From this reader’s point of view, his piece starts off with a tinge of pomposity, moves into some rather heartfelt daddy stuff, and then explodes in a ridiculous array of loony philosophical garbage with a large dollop of holier-than-thou conjecture.
Did I mention that he thinks he’s better than I am because he stays home with his daughter and “teaches” her stuff (at age 11 months) while his wife supports his family on her school counselor’s salary?
Our family has always been two income, and it’s never easy, especially to turn your child over to a nanny. But the way in which LeDuff writes about these nanny-raised children and his seeming disdain for fathers who work (practically saying they aren’t “real” fathers). Don’t misunderstand: He’s not merely exalting the virtues of being a SAHD (like him), he’s also deriding those who fail to “see the light” and do the same as he has done.
He may have a healthy financial cushion, but relying on your wife to bring home the public-school bacon while you sit atop your perch of fatherhood means only that you are failing to provide for your family in possibly the most significant way.
But who am I to judge, I’m just a mister half-at-home.
Go read his piece and let me know what you think.
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Wow. Just wow. So I guess we’ll have to stop calling it the Mommy Wars, and rename it the Parent Wars, huh?
Can’t we all just learn to accept that what’s right and good and the best decision for our own family right now is different for each one of us? Let’s all spend more time taking care of our kids, and less time scolding anyone who doesn’t do it our way.
A Half-Home, Oprah-Book-Club, End-Of-My-Rope WAHM
Cheri | November 14th, 2007 at 12:44 am
Funny you should say that because Warner has now coined it the “Daddy Wars.” So I guess we’ll never win and always have it in us to criticize others, but as I wrote, the sheer pomposity that LeDuff exudes in his article just blows me away. I am actually not critical of what he has chosen to do (be a temporary SAHD), rather that he would criticize others for not doing it his way.
Avi Spivack | November 14th, 2007 at 2:08 am
My take on those who criticize is…they are probably not very happy or comfortable with themselves. They have to point fingers to justify what they are doing.
In my humble opinion, every family has to do what feels right, and works for them. I can’t imagine my husband being a SAHD, but if it works for someone else, so be it.
Cherie Herdic | November 14th, 2007 at 11:52 am
I totally agree. I work full-time and have my kids in day care. There are days when I regret that, but for the most part, it works for our family. It’s great for Mr. LeDuff that he’s found a situation that works for his family right now. It probably wouldn’t work for my family, but I’m certainly not going to criticize his decision. I would also expect that he wouldn’t criticize mine or yours or anyone elses.
His article actually reminds me of someone I know who was a very career-minded woman before she had kids and was pretty openly critical of women who gave up working - or their individual identities in her mind - in order to stay home with kids. And then she had kids. And her husband got a nice fat promotion. So she decided that the most important thing for her was to stay home with her kids. Now that they’re a little older she does work 2 or 3 half-days a week, just to get out with adults. The thing that I find most amusing is that she is now fairly critical of women who leave their children to be “raised by other people” while they go to work.
I don’t care how she or LeDuff decide to take care of their families. I just don’t want them judging the way I take care of mine. Especially not with such an arrogant, blinders-on attitude. Surely passing on such an attitude to their children is not in anyone’s best interests.
Cheri | November 14th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
Wow. I mean…wow.
What is this HUGE fight between parents who work and those who don’t?
And why does one side always need to feel superior to the other?
I have a nanny. I work until 8 p.m. almost every evening and I need a competent, caring individual to pick my son up from school, give him dinner, a bath and shuttle him off to bed….keep him on a regular schedule.
I could easily choose not to work, but my personality would find me bored out of my skull by the third day. I need adult interaction and to feel like I am being useful and productive.
At the same time, I want my son to see an adult get up and go to work everyday and be a responsible person.
That is NOT to say that a person who makes a different choice is NOT a responsible person. They may have very different motivations for wanting to be a SAHP.
It all comes down to choice and personal preference. I do what works for MY family.
Anyone who can’t appreciate that….well….tough.
Kathy | November 14th, 2007 at 5:08 pm
Avi, you get my Tommy Points (it’s a Boston thing for those of you who may wonder) for what you’ve written. And Cheri, I liked your point about accepting everyone’s situation. I’m amazed that a Pulitzer winning journalist can sit so high up on that horse and still manage to reach his daughter to change her diaper. It also sucks that someone who has seen so many sides of humanity can label things so readily. So since he’s labeling: I saw his picture and let’s just say I wouldn’t want to leave my daughter alone with him.
Mandy | November 14th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
We all feel guilty for working.
We all feel guilty for not working (aka providing).
We all feel guilty for wanting to work and gaining pleasure from it because we aren’t paying attention to or ‘raising’ our children.
silliness. Our kids know that we love them and we do everything we can to be with them when it makes sense. We do what we can to provide the best life possible given our individual means and cash flow at any give time.
Sometimes that means staying at home, sometimes it means working.
Staying at home and not having friends around can make a very social person very lonely. Especially when you realize that people you thought were your friends were only friends with you because of your title/status/money situation and not because they truly loved you.
Guilt and loneliness can make people crazy and lash out, starting wars unintentionally.
Kate | November 14th, 2007 at 7:31 pm
Someone I know — an adult, not a kid — actually told my older children that she loved her kids too much to put them in daycare. My kids, of course, came home and asked me why I didn’t love their youngest siblings (who are 3 and 1 and in preschool/daycare).
Made for a long night of emotional triage.
Something I always want to ask the mommy/daddy war people who blast those of us who work outside the home: How come sending your kid to day care or preschool or hiring a nanny is a horrible terrible thing, but sending them off to kindergarten isn’t? If being home with your kids is so much better for them, why aren’t more people homeschooling?
Lylah | November 15th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
More power to you! In my life I haven’t found many fathers that do anything with or for their children so you are #1 on my daddy list! Keep doing what you are doing and don’t listen to the hypocrites. They are just jealous!
Yolanda | November 15th, 2007 at 6:42 pm
Avi, I had read this article and tried to just extract the nuggets that I thought were relevant to me.
He did come off with a condescending tone towards fathers that work. It is great for him that his wife earns enough to support their family but that is not the case for everyone and to criticize them is not just in my opinion.
When our kids were younger and not in school, my wife stayed home with them. As much as I might have enjoyed to do that myself, that was not a possibility for us. If Charlie wants to label me because of that, he is more than welcome to because the only opinions that truly concern me are that of my wife and two children.
Derek | November 15th, 2007 at 9:08 pm
Thanks for your note, Derek - I am still wondering if he wrote that piece just to exalt himself or if he actually wanted to start a bru-ha-ha. (Or maybe he thought nothing he wrote was inflammatory).
And to Lylah - right on! Why do we treat the pre-K and infant years as so different, just because they drink from bottles? Why not more homeschooling? If anything, the kids “learn” more in the later years than anything that can be “taught” when a child cannot even walk yet.
Avi Spivack | November 15th, 2007 at 9:12 pm
I agree with the if-at-home-then-homeschool people… and as I am expecting my first, the current plan is that I will be permanently at home with our children, inculding homeschooling in the later years. My mother homeschooled us and I know the benefits of it. On the other hand, I know that this is not a possible choice for everyone.
I think, though, that the point to be made for staying at home to care for children in the younger years but then putting them in school is that research indicates that a child’s greatest development takes place in their first three years of life. Many people feel that it is beneficial to be at home during those years to provide a grounding before putting their children “out into the world.”
As I said, we plan to extend staying at home to homeschooling - but I believe the above logic is what leads many parents to stay at home early on and then transition into school.
Ellen | November 16th, 2007 at 7:15 pm
P.S. to my note above:
One person mentioned that a child “learns more” in later years than in the toddler times. I would disagree - much because the majority of research about child development talks about how a child’s basic sense of security, self-confidence, communication, etc all develop substantially before the age of three.
Ellen | November 16th, 2007 at 7:18 pm
Both of my parents worked when I was a child. Neither parent stayed home with the kids. We had nannies, daycare, and older siblings in my family to watch over the little ones.
I don’t remember feeling neglected or unloved. Quite the opposite. I felt very safe and secure at home. I knew my parents worked because adults had to work.
All you can do is the best you can for your family. I would love to stay at home with my kids because they are more fun than most of my coworkers. Their father expressed that he feels the same way. Our financial situation doesn’t allow for only one income.
The kids seem fine with it though. They enjoy getting out of the house.
Cheryl | July 23rd, 2008 at 8:37 pm
I thought this article was well-written except for the end. LeDuff basically just trashed working dads at the end. Not many men can afford to stay home, if they are the primary providers financially. I think, thought, that today, if both spouses work, it is difficult on the children. There is always strain in the home if both working parents do not participate. equally in chores, parenting, and responsibility for home and family. Perhaps working from home is better for at least one parent if both have to work.
I admire his decision to raise his daughter, and understand why he did it. Had he been traveling around the world like many of his colleagues, he would have missed out on too much of his daughter’s life. I know I worked in an office until my first child was 4 and the second 8 months, and missed out on alot of those precious moments. I thank God every day my oldest got kicked out of daycare because it forced me to realize my career had worn thin-much like LeDuff’s, and my children needed me at home. And yes, I still work too. so it’s all good.
RM | January 10th, 2009 at 4:29 am