Work It, Dad!
with Avi and Danny
I'm Avi, and I try to put the work and the dad together. I am mostly successful. And I'm Danny, and I'm the guy they talk about when they say, "I can't believe you need a license to drive but not to be a parent." (I also blog at Dad Gone Mad.)
As I ruminated on the comments posted on my last post, I began to wonder how most marriages keep their wheels spinning gleefully, particularly on the domestic front.
Starting with the broad assumption that us men are relatively useless and lazy, don’t listen well, and can’t seem to get it right on the homefront, is it now accepted that we merely serve as the support staff to our commander-in-chief wives because they really run the house?
To take our house as an example: I do all the laundry, go grocery shopping, clean the kitchen every night, take out the garbage, vacuum, open jars, reach things that are on top of the cabinets, load and empty the dishwasher, wipe our daughter’s poopy butt, and pay our very cheap cleaning staff twice a month.
On the other hand, my wife: cooks for our daughter and us (and then I clean up), calls me to open jars and reach things on top of the cabinets, and organizes EVERYTHING (which includes oversight of my cleaning, all clothes buying for me, our daughter, and herself, and most social engagements, gift-buying, and the like).
In fact, the most frequent conversation we have in our kitchen goes something like this:
Her: “You know, just because you go grocery shopping, do all the laundry, and clean up after I cook does not mean you DO more.”
Me: “I know.”
Her: “It just means you do something.”
Me: “Yes.”
Her: “I do all the hard work. I give you the list to go shopping with. I think of what needs to be cooked and cook it. You do the easy tasks.”
Me: “I know. You’re right.”
If only it was that easy.
But the point here is that I largely serve as support staff to my amazing wife; I am the little helper, doing what I can, even though I will never be able to make our daughter’s hair as pretty as my wife can, nor cook as well, nor develop the organizing gene so everything ends up in the most logical place. So I am essentially resigned to be Mommy’s Helper. Or I could be lazy and take for granted the fact that my wife runs the show and I really couldn’t do any of this without her. (As Aniston says so poignantly in “The Break-Up” - and I paraphrase: “…he’ll realize that I am the glue that holds it all together.”)
So how satisfied are you with the breakdown in domestic duties in your home? Do you think your hubby could realistically do more, and if so, what would you want him to do?
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haha i love this!
it’s very simple: hubby mostly does the things i hate doing.
stuff he does: trash, kitty litter, yard work, car stuff, animal stuff (vet, nails, etc.)
stuff that i do:
make lists, manage money, plan social activities, grocery shop, attempt organization, determine the cut off point for mess and when to begin cleaning
stuff we do jointly:
kid stuff, laundry, dishes, house cleaning, cooking (though i cannot resist telling HOW to cook because he doesn’t do it how i would do it. fortunatly we find the humor in this!)
i wouldnt say it’s blissful, but it works for us for now! mostly! i want cheap cleaning service….
Kate | March 12th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
I’m happy with our balance. I work 20 hr/wk, so I take on more of the organizational stuff.
Stuff I do:
Dinner dishes, load dishwasher, grocery shopping, Target shopping, bill paying, 65% of the childcare (breakfast, dinner, bathtime, etc)
Stuff he does:
Cooks dinner every night, mows the lawn, maintains irrigation, 25% of childcare (showers, bedtime, weekend mornings)
Stuff we share:
Pruning and planting bushes and flowers, trash
Stuff we outsource:
Biweekly cleaner vacuums, mops, dusts, folds laundry, and thoroughly cleans the kitchen and bathrooms
Nanny unloads dishwasher and folds clothes, 10% of childcare (lunch and nap)
SoftwareMom | March 12th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
Avi,
Your portrayal of men as ‘helpers’ may be how it is in many homes, but it is not how it could be. I think you took the easy way out here, saying what you think perhaps women want to hear.
I’m a woman who definitely wants to hear differently, however. Men don’t have to be relegated to the helper role. If we can all stop thinking of men as ‘less than’ in their own homes, we can reach true equal partnership - a much more satisfying situation for all. What man would stand for responsibiility without authority at his paying job? Why does he have to do so at home?
If we want men to step up to 50% of the housework, we have to start treating them as equal partners - with equal decision-making power and status. And men have to get competent and stand up for their way of doing the housework. If someone offered you a million dollars to braid your daughter’s hair like a pro or cook a gourmet meal, somehow I think you’d rise to the occasion!
I love your column, but did have to disagree with you on this one.
Amy | March 13th, 2008 at 1:36 am
Amy - i think i agree with you? i actually think Avi went a little over the top with the ‘helper’ theme (i hope?) to get a point accross that men today are more open to letting their wives run with it when that is their strength. recognizing our stengths in weaknesses allows us to make the best decisions for our family over all!
i think that is why i was compelled to write out the mine, his, ours duties - really more to show myself that it IS equal and not so one sided!
This is particularly complicated in families where the woman is the substantial breadwinner. For example, i work 10-12 hours a day (including commute) so there are just things that he will need to take care of when he gets home with DS 2 hours before i walk in the door.
lastly, i hope EVERYONE would not stand for responsibility with out authority!
kate | March 13th, 2008 at 2:00 am
Avi, can’t agree with you more and Kate, I have to respectfully disagree. My husband and I just went through a period where he really tried to step up and be more of a partner to me. But it just didn’t work. He simply does not know what needs to be done and cannot seem to see it even when it’s right in front of his face. He has to be walked through many tasks — step by step — even if he’s done it before. The finer details just don’t stick to his brain and he can’t keep them all straight like I can. Not to mention he’s not a natural nurturer and he often will default to his own needs over the kids. He tried, he really did. But he just wasn’t the right guy for the job (see my blog post about my experience at http://upwithmoms.blogspot.com/2008/02/honey-youre-fired.html)
Now he’s back to being a helper and is responsible for several tasks around the house, just like you are. And he is responsible for managing the household finances which is not an insignificant job.
And he does cook for us on the weekends and he just so happens to be a fabulous cook.
As much as I hate to admit it, I’m always going to have to be the boss and he the helper. It comes down to play to playing to our strengths and what works for us.
Amy@UWM | March 13th, 2008 at 3:35 am
Amy@UWM - i think your last sentance says it all!
“It comes down to playing to our strengths and what works for us.”
you are so right! which is probably why we seem to disagree
i think i lucked out with a hubby that eventually learns - dont get me wrong, it did not happen over night! We just celebrated 7 years and he finally learned how to propertly clean the kitchen last year. (plus he probably wore me down a bit and my standards arent as high LOL) but we do compromise and learn and have a fairly equal partnership - i used to think i had to do it all and realized part of it was my inability to accept that just because he doenst do it the way i would do it, doenst mean it’s wrong. (most of the time)
off to read your blog post!
Kate | March 13th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
My husband is a SAHD and is fabulous at it! I stayed home for about 1.5yrs, but the balance in the house was never quite right. When we reversed the roles, all of a sudden things fell in to place. Part of that, I think, has to do with doing stuff we like to do (or atleast don’t mind doing) rather than taking on chores that make us groan and roll our eyes. Here’s our breakdown:
Me (work 50-55hrs/wk outside the home): manage money/pay bills, dinner dishes, shopping lists, plan social activities, resident computer person & handy-woman, 35% child care
Him (SAHD): laundry, cleaning, cooking, food shopping, vaccuming, daily child activities (gymnastics, park), 65% child care
Jacq | March 15th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Your wife must feel very lucky. I feel lucky, too: we have a great balance of workloads. He works in TV in a major NFL market, so I take over a lot more during the playoffs (and during Favre’s recent retirement announcement, sniff). When I have parent-teacher conferences or Open Houses, he steps up to the plate. At the moment, I have laundry in the dryer and he’s at the grocery store.
Daisy | March 15th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Hmmm….thanks, Avi. Your post got me thinking about the stuff my husband WILL do. He isn’t my helper because he doesn’t like to be told what to do. And he can’t do any of the housework on his own.
So after I went nuts doing everything myself, there are a few tasks that are now completely his to manage. He really wouldn’t do anything earlier but I guess 10 years of marriage change a man.
So from my-husband-does-nothing, it’s improved to…let’s see, he takes out the trash (which is a tiny bag every night to be kept outside our apartment), fills the water bottles (yes, we have to use a water purifier), does his laundry and the kid’s laundry (but not anything that is stained), irons the kid’s uniform and some clothes. Puts on the kid’s socks and shoes for school every morning, too. And will sometimes clean up after dinner if I pretend that there is no cleaning up to do.
Now for the other stuff. Grocery shopping? No. Manage money & pay bills? No. Cooking? NO, NO, NO. Plan social activities. No (unless it involves going out for pizza ) Clearing the clutter? (only after a fight)
Oh yea, and I have a 50-hour work week plus commute. He has a 40 hour workweek and…?
A Lost Writer | March 20th, 2008 at 8:55 am
In my opinion, there is no right or wrong way to clean something. There’s my way and his way. I’m a neat freak. I dust, scrub, vac, and do other deep cleaning every week. He doesn’t think every week is necessary. Neither is wrong or right. It’s about your standards.
Since I want these things done every week, I do them. Things we agree on (ie trash can’t pile up, clean underwear is a must) we split up.
I don’t think it’s that a man is woman’s helper. It’s that, typically, men just aren’t concerned with it. And that’s OK ladies!
I was raised if you want something done, do it. Not because you would do it better but because you want it. Not someone else.
I still get frustrated sometimes if I feel overwhelmed by a long self-inflicted To Do list. I just express my feelings and say, help make me happy. He wants to make me happy. I don’t nag, threaten, or bicker with him. I just ask.
As long as the house doesn’t stink or attract bugs, who cares?
Cheryl | July 23rd, 2008 at 9:07 pm