Work It, Dad!
with Avi Spivack
Hi, I'm Avi, and I try to put the work and the dad together, with mild success. This is all about trying to give you a view from what it looks like on the dad-man's side of the world, and I hope you find my ruminations humorous because I try not to take myself too seriously.
|
I have probably hit on this topic before (when I confessed that I didn’t know how to make pasta). But to piggyback on my last post about the ways in which men and women deal with unemployment, the interesting thing was that most of the comments focused on the fact that us men just don’t even SEE what needs to be DONE, whereas the domestic duties are somehow genetically programmed into the female brain - is this really true (or are we - I - just lazy)?
For example, I don’t walk into the kitchen and see the crumbs on the counter that need to be wiped or the dirty floor or the “mess” on the counter, but I know my wife does.
I say things like: “It looked clean to me.” (And it really did, but somehow it wasn’t.) So how are we to explain this phenomenon?
I mean, I will admit, growing up I was a bit of a slob, and the running joke with my wife is that when we met, she didn’t realize I had a big armchair in my apartment because IT WAS COVERED WITH CLOTHES.
Funny stuff, right?
I mean it is undisputed that men and women are wired differently - emotionally and otherwise - but do us guys just not see the dirt, do we not care about the dirt, or do we actually, possibly like the dirt (being closely related to primates as we are)?
I really struggle with this, not only because it causes friction at home, but because, honestly, many times I really, truly believe that a domestic task is done, that I am proud, that my wife will approve, and yet somehow I “missed a spot.” And I am not asking for points just because I’m “trying.” I am genuinely interested in this topic because it seems to be such a sore spot in so many households (”he doesn’t do anything”) - so why?
What’s the deal in your house and can we blame it all on bad genes?
Subscribe to blog via RSS
I’m not sure sure if men just aren’t wired to see a mess or not. I do know that I get very little help with housework, even though we both work 40 hours a week, and I do most of the child raising. The one thing my husband will do is vacuum. It bugs the crap out of him to have a dirty carpet. So, I refuse to vacuum. I did experiment one time with the toilets. I figured, since he has to look at them every time he pees, I’ quit cleaning them and wait to see how long it took for him to notice and clean them himself. Well, I broke down after 3 months. The toilets were nasty and I couldn’t handle it anymore. When I asked him about it, he said he never noticed that they were dirty. WTH? Seriously??? It left me baffled.
So, I’ve given up on the idea of him ever actually helping me clean the house, much less taking the initiative to do it himself. At least he’s smart enough to not complain about the house being messy. I’d have to beat him with the broom if he did. ; - )
Erica | March 19th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
I don’t think you can blame it on genes. In our house, my husband is the clean one. If he wants to clean the house, he will put on a bandana and knee pads and won’t finish scrubbing, mopping, vacuuming until the whole place is spotless. We both work full-time so our bandwidth is stretched as it is, but we have compromised to where I clean when I can and he appreciates it without calling out any missed spots. He’s usually the one to say, “Did you notice I cleaned the kitchen?” So I’ve learned to thank him for his efforts and he’s learned to live with mine.
kirida | March 19th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Thank you for sharing your incredibly diverse experiences; in my house, announcing you have cleaned something is a cardinal sin: if it’s clean, the other person should notice
Avi Spivack | March 19th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
I had to laugh when reading this, Avi. For I am like Kirida when it comes to my husband. He is the cleanest person I know; I can count on ONE HAND the number of times I have mopped the floors in the nine years we’ve been married
Angella | March 19th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
I think it’s because at some level it’s because the man doesn’t consider the cleaning tasks to be HIS responsibility. He hasn’t mentally taken ownership of the task. (To be fair, some of the “missed a spot” comes from wives who are unwilling to give up ownership of the standards.)
Really, now. Think of all those guys in the military who are assigned to KP duty. After one dressing-down from a drill instructor, do you REALLY think they don’t notice when the counter they have been assigned to clean has crumbs on it or the toilet they are supposed to scrub is anything less than spic and span?
SoftwareMom | March 19th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
Just wanted to add that I notice this “not my job” tendency in myself as well. Now that we hire someone to clean every other week, I don’t notice the carpet looking dirty as often. (I used to vacuum it at least weekly.) I’m also more likely to think, “she’ll be here in two days, it can wait.”
SoftwareMom | March 19th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
Good gosh this is what I’ve been thinking of lately, that I seem to do everything in the house and my husband only does it when asked. Granted, he once in awhile volunteers to help but mostly he does things only when I ask him to. I’ve blown up at him a couple of times because he wouldn’t volunteer. When he doesn’t volunteer, it seems like he doesn’t care.
I know men and women are different, but I have a hard time accepting that men aren’t domestic and women are domestic because it’s very frustrating that I’m always “working,” i.e. looking around finding something to do around the house, while he sits and watches TV and has no guilt about it.
During my last blow up with my husband, he did say something that was profound to me. About not doing the dishes or not doing the laundry voluntarily even though the hamper is overflowing, he said, “It’s not on my mind.” I think that’s the way men are. They see the hamper overflowing and they don’t care. Either that or they honestly don’t notice. I as a woman cannot understand why he doesn’t notice since it’s in plain sight.
Also, I think my husband knows that if he doesn’t do the laundry, someone else (i.e., me) will do it. Because before he got married, he did his own laundry because no one else was going to do it for him. In other words, if he has to do it, he will. But now that he’s married and I’m around, he doesn’t have to because he knows I will do it eventually.
I do think that it’s genetics, kind of like how men love cars and power tools but women’t don’t. Although I wonder what men and women did in the stone age. I guess men hunted and women made clothes.
Great topic, one that’s been on my mind lately.
Linda | March 20th, 2009 at 1:31 am
I can think of some women who don’t “see” dirt and mess, so I don’t know how much it’s tied to gender. I will agree, however, that it is very frustrating to those of us who do see the dirt, because we are always either cleaning it up or being a shrew about it, or simply putting up with it even though we hate it. If you’re one of those (women or men) who has had to be told there was cleaning to be done, it’s my opinion that you ought to hone your senses better, or if that doesn’t work, just have a system that involves cleaning everything whether it looks dirty to you or not. I mean, if you really seek genuine domestic peace.
SKL | March 20th, 2009 at 1:34 am
i have a brother and he is a clean freak. He uses paper towels to wipe the floors after his kids eat. He trains his kids to eat so no food gets on the floor. He just over cleans everything. I find it funny.
So what do you say to that?
vera babayeva | March 20th, 2009 at 3:33 am
Thank you, all, for your insights and experiences; Vera - I would say that your brother is an exception to the rule. I would be curious to see a wide-ranging poll of thousands of households and be able to determine what the domestic split is. In our house, I do dishes and laundry, but I don’t really cook and I am nowhere near as *inclined* to be clean, which I think is a more typical male characteristic.
Avi Spivack | March 20th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Hey. My husband was raised to clean with him being the oldest of five and only one girl, but now its clear impossible to get him to do anything around the house. I just got done cleaning everything but the bedrooms which is this weekend, but he just came home and got on the computer while I was cleaning. He did clean around the computer desk but still isn’t done for some reason I just dont know. He says that he is gonna do something that involves cleaning but never gets to it so I have just given up on him to ever clean again, now he has told me that he is gonna clean the pots and pans that is left in the kitchen to be washed but we will see because I am getting tired of seeing them there so I am about to go and do them.
If you found out the answer to this, hit me up because I need to know if they do also.
Have a great day.
Shannon | March 20th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
My husband does an excellent job cleaning. When he WANTS to. It’s not that he can’t. It’s just that the clutter bothers him less than it bothers me. Hence, he doesn’t do anything about it.
I’ll tell you something funny, though. In the past two weeks, he has been bitten by some kind of cleaning bug. I’ve had bronchitis that just. won’t. quit. So I haven’t been doing much, but all of a sudden he feels a need to clean. The entire house. Hey, I’m not complaining! But now that he’s actually done the job himself, he gets upset if we leave things lying around. It’s like he has a personal stake in keeping the house neat now since it’s HIS efforts we are undermining. Interesting.
Robyn | March 22nd, 2009 at 5:43 pm
For everyone who is frustrated with their husband’s lack of cleaning, I recommend checking out the book, “The Lazy Husband”.
SoftwareMom | March 22nd, 2009 at 10:27 pm
I think every couple is different and the idea that men are lazy is a stereotype. I find some women just like to complain or they can’t give up the control. If you want help you must understand it may not be done the way you would do it.
My husband does a lot. He works full time, and I work part time. We have a toddler and another coming very soon. I try to get a lot done during the day, but he always pitches in around the house and does all the outside stuff. It isn’t my thing. I think you have to find what works for both of you.
Christine | March 26th, 2009 at 6:52 pm