What is worse than the day you go back to the office after an 8-day vacation?

Seriously, can you come up with anything?

The overloaded inbox, the caffeine rush (from the six pre-office coffees that I downed), the “how was your trip” conversations, the catch-up on office gossip, the missed meetings, the missed calls, the eighteen voicemails to delete (who talks on the phone anymore anyway?), and the disapproving looks from co-workers to whom you did not return with a gift (I brought a few “close” colleagues some dark chocolate and had to hide the fact from others).

Not to mention the return to the ghastly food court, the “gray” (literal and metaphorical) cubicle, the need to not eat because I just spent 8 days eating and not exercising, the recurring thoughts that your colleagues have rummaged through the personal effects on your desk, and the return to the desk where you forgot to get rid of endless papers that now crowd your computer and your mental productivity space.

Sigh.

Time for a lunch break; maybe I’ll go get some $6 Chinese in one of those non-eco-friendly styrofoam containers that always has sauce sneaking out of the cracks and inevitably gets all over your hand.

Did I mention that I need a post-vacation vacation?

I hate to brag (really), but I just loaded the dishwasher with more dishes than I could count.

And not just the regular dishes, I’m talkin about mixing bowls, spatulas, tongs, different-sized plates, and all kinds of glassware. It was a work of art.

Guess what else?

I can sort the recycling into metal/glass and paper, bagged and into the green box in under 7 minutes.

You want an onion diced? A knife sharpened? A can of corn opened (but without the top actually detached from the base)?

Done, done, and done.

Basically, I can look at a sink full of dirty dishes, food scraps, All-Clad pots, and silverware, and know exactly the most optimal order in which to wash them/load the dishwasher. Can you?

Unfortunately, I don’t have a secret to offer you, or to share with your husbands. It’s a skill that I have developed over the years.

Of course, back in our first New York apartments we didn’t even have a dishwasher, so it was all about speed-washing. Now I guess I’m spoiled. (Hint: always use powder-based detergent, not the liquid - I prefer Cascade Complete). I also recommend Method’s Granite cleaner, and Swiffer Wet for the kitchen floor.

All of this to say: since my cooking skills only extend to following recipes, I have been forced to perfect my kitchen-cleaning skillset.

Who cleans your kitchen?