Work It, Dad!
with Avi Spivack
Hi, I'm Avi, and I try to put the work and the dad together, with mild success. This is all about trying to give you a view from what it looks like on the dad-man's side of the world, and I hope you find my ruminations humorous because I try not to take myself too seriously.
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So when we decided to leave New York City and move to Boston (where I grew up), it was a decision that we had discussed for quite awhile, but it finally made sense…we thought.
We LOVED New York, but once our daughter arrived, all of the city’s allure was diminished. And basically every other week, one of the two sets of Boston-based grandparents drove down and lived in our 800 square feet for the whole weekend so they could ooh and aah over their new grand-daughter.
Or we had to rent a car and drive up to Boston for some family function - you probably know the drill.
So, when we decided that staying in NYC was not really a financially sustainable location for the long term, we actually thought moving to Chapel Hill, North Carolina, was the answer: we knew a bunch of ex-NYCers there, good job community, affordable housing, good schools, and very nice weather year-round…perfect, right?
Well, when we told the grandparents that we were thinking about moving to a city where they would likely have to get on a plane to see their grand-daughter…let’s just say it didn’t go over so well. And we then decided that moving to Boston - where both sets of grandparents and one set of great-grandparents all live - was the right move.
And now, you ask?
Now we are both thrilled to have them all so close, that our daughter has relationships with all of them, that we celebrate together, and they do provide free babysitting…waiting for the “but”?
The “but” is that we now have to juggle them, make sure there’s some level of equanimity between them for how much/often they see our daughter…and the balancing act is on!
So I’m not complaining here because I know we are lucky to have everyone around, but sometimes it does have its downfalls…
What’s your grandparent situation and does it work out for you?
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As you’ve said…having everyone right there can indeed have its downfalls. We’re struggling through those a bit.
The same side of the family that had to be taught that even if we’re in the same town, really, call first before you come over unannounced, and seriously, do NOT come in if nobody answers even if the door is unlocked, hello, newlyweds (they didn’t do it again)!
CV | October 12th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
I would kill for this problem! My husband and I have two daughters under six. I’m home full-time with them and do private consulting and freelance writing on the side; my husband works one full-time job, one part-time job, and does freelance consulting to pay the bills. Our lives feel like nonstop chaos with no family nearby to help now and then. Our girls’ grandparents are five hours (1 set) and 10 hours (the other) away. It’s the worst, but we live where my husband’s career has brought us, and we do adore our small college town in the gorgeous countryside. But many days I think I’d kill to have a nearby grandparent, even for an hour a week.
Shannon | October 12th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
Well, although my parents are originally from MA, they haven’t lived here in decades. So, when I moved back to Boston as a young teen, it was on my own.
My husband is originallly from San Francisco, although his maternal family has strong roots here (Aspinwall Ave in Brookline is named after a great x a lot grandfather of his) - and his parents are still in CA.
We drive to my parents (6 - 8 hours now with child - argh!) for holidays and longer than two day stays a few times a year. My parents stop through on their way to their annual get-together with friends at Hampton Beach at the end of the summer, and their annual ski trip to NH each winter. They have also made it for bigger events (her baptism, my confirmation, her first birthday), but don’t really visit.
His parents have never come out here - and we haven’t been to CA - so they haven’t met their now 18-month old granddaughter.
I guess you could say that it works. Sometimes. We do wish we had family closer, especially because this means that we’re really on our own. We only go out once a month, and that’s always the night of the day that I work my monthly bar shift.
Our daughter has a closer relationship to our landlords who live below us, an old Italian couple she calls “Nonna and Nonno”.
Phe | October 13th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Shannon - just to clarify since I was thining quicker than I could type…
We technically have both sets of grandparents that are less than an hour away. One set willingly offers help, for which I am eternally grateful.
The other? They want us to come visit so that they can parade around their trophy grandchild, but won’t help when begged for. And still whine that we don’t visit enough (visits can’t be at night and they can’t be at their house because nobody could see them interacting with their grandchild that way…) and there is NO way we could be “that busy”.
CV | October 13th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
There is always something. We live an hour, 2 hours and almost three hours away from the different sets of grandparents. While it’s not that far, it’s not always that close to pack up and go see them, especially with two working parents who have things that need to be done on the weekend. We are already negotiating the holiday schedule for this year and have decided Christmas Day is at our house and anyone is welcome to come. It’s a blessing and a curse at times because we want everyone to see our daughter but we’ve spent too many hours on the road with a crying baby.
Michelle | October 13th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
It’s been a lifesaver! I was not keen on returning to the city where we grew up, but the cost of living is low, there is lots of great stuff for kids/families, and having family around helps us keep our sanity. We’re able to go out alone, we can call one of them to come over for an hour if we can’t manage with the baby, and she is surrounded by loved ones, something I didn’t have growing up (both my parents moved away from their families). True, every family is a little crazy in its own way, but overall it’s been tremendous.
slm724 | October 14th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
My mother lives in California so when she comes to stay it is for at least a week at a time or we have to get on a plane to visit her.
My ex’s mother lives in the same metro area. In some ways it peeves me that she sees her more often than my mother, but I realize that if we didn’t live here she’d probably never visit wheras my mother would use just about any excuse to travel
Mich | October 14th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
You’ve confirmed my fears. We live within 45-60 minutes of either set of grandparents and have gotten around the weekend shuttling of the grandson by letting each set of grandparents watch him for one day a week on alternating weeks. Saves money as we only pay for the sitter 4 days a week and our weekends are our own.
But the dilemma arises when we have another kid and/or the eldest goes to school: I don’t think my folks (physically) can handle an energetic little kid plus infant, but the thought of only having my in-laws only care for my kids makes me cringe (they don’t really follow my parenting style/house rules). And if the eldest goes to school, I don’t really want to have the GPs dealing with drop-offs, etc. BUT if we totally get rid of the grandparents regular babysitting, we’re left with your sitch.
I know, I’m a whiner for complaining — I constantly remind myself how lucky we are to have all 4 grandparents. But what fun would we have if we didn’t complain?
SH | October 14th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
My kids have only one set of grandparents, and they live about an hour away. Too far to really be able to babysit, and their health issues have made that impossible in any case. It’s also too far for us to go visit them unless we have a whole day to kill - which is unusual since I work 7 days. It’s not so much the time spent getting there and back - my kids and I are all pretty low maintenance - but once we get there, it is hard to leave at a reasonable hour. My parents find it difficult to visit us too. I am not really sure why, since they travel to a hospital nearby when they have doctors’ appointments and such, but I have to take them at their word. Last week, my parents came over for my daughter’s birthday. It was my mom’s first visit in over 1.5 years. They stayed for about 4 hours and I am pretty sure my mom won’t be back until I have a “big event” at my house. Oh, well.
SKL | October 19th, 2009 at 12:21 am
Interesting how no matter what, it’s not quite right! We have FOUR sets of grandparents (both my husband and my parents are divorced and remarried) and they all live within 15 minutes of us and we are pregnant with our first baby, ALL of their first grandchild. I am having anxiety about how this will work. I know that if none lived close I’d be wishing they all lived close….just can’t win!
We will need to lay down the law very soon as we are due in a 2 months and that will be here before we know it. I think we too will have to show them just how serious we are about calling and getting the green light from us FIRST, no just showing up, no calling on the way, no calling not getting an answer and still coming over. With EIGHT grandparents there’s just no way we can do that…going to have to get a baby visiting planner/schedule! Oy!
KLL | January 26th, 2010 at 8:10 pm