Work It, Dad!
with Avi Spivack
Hi, I'm Avi, and I try to put the work and the dad together, with mild success. This is all about trying to give you a view from what it looks like on the dad-man's side of the world, and I hope you find my ruminations humorous because I try not to take myself too seriously.
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I dated a girl in high school who once told me that her father walked around the house naked, or at least naked from the waist down (which is kind of all that matters), and I will be honest, I was SHOCKED - both that she told me this and that she told me this and did not see fazed by it; she even asked me why I was surprised, wasn’t this something that occurred in my house as well?
Um, actually, no.
Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against nudity, and I frankly hate the buttoned-up and covered-up American way of life (except when it comes to our love of porn). I am not one to run off to the nearest nude beach (Boston doesn’t have too many of them), but I am somewhat reserved and I just don’t like getting naked in front of other people…even my family.
So, here’s the setup: my daughter and I share a bathroom, my wife has the master all to herself (because I am smelly, hairy, six-foot-tall primate) and that is fine with me.
What is not so fine is that every morning, at some time between 6:43am and 6:58am, I am in said shred bathroom performing my morning hygienic rituals and my daughter knocks on the door because she has to pee (fair enough). I am typically at the sink shaving, clothed in boxer shorts (minimally), or boxers and a t-shirt. But many times I am fully undressed on my way into the shower, and you can pretty much draw the picture should my daughter walk into the bathroom while I was in transit…
Another interesting scenario is when she enters the bathroom and I am already in the shower. She does her business and then goes back to her room, no harm done.
BUT…
Last week she decided to be “funny” - she left, closed the door (my signal to exit the shower and grab my towel to dry off my primate-ness), and then she reappeared as I was in full-on drying mode. And yes, she took one look, gave me a look of shock and awe and confusion, and then she closed the door and left. No comment.
The questions here abound. When she was 18 months, I took my daughter swimming and I changed into my bathing suit in front of her. She barely knew English at the time, so she said, in Russian, “look, Papa has a tail.” How would she know what was going on there?
But now she is 5 and a half, and the curiosity is mounting…should I cover up or explain to her what’s going on with the difference in body parts?
When my wife was on a business trip she said she wished I could mommy; I said that would be tough to do, so she replied that the only reason I couldn’t do so is because we have different voices.
Of course my thought was: that’s not the only reason, little girl…
And so I continue to cover up, wondering when she will ask me about it, or when she’ll stop letting me give her a bath because she won’t want me to see her in the birthday suit - it all makes me wonder about how we deal with and discuss sexuality and genitalia, and it also makes me laugh.
Because what else can we do as parents except laugh, to survive it all.
What’s the naked truth for you and your family?
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No men here, but if there were, I’d prefer the privates be kept covered around girls from around age 2 onwards. I don’t really care what other people do, but personally, I don’t need to deal with boy parts until the girls are old enough to understand more. I don’t need my daughters to be asking their preschool classmates to show which kind they have, etc. We have sufficient curiosity with just girl parts, thank you.
If there was an accidental viewing, I’d be as matter-of-fact as possible about it and then leave it alone. I’d also mention that grown-ups desire privacy when they are nekkid.
SKL | December 10th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
I think the discussion about differing genitalia is inevitable, but I don’t think that has anything to do with the decision to cover up or not. Talking about penis v. vagina doesn’t mean everyone has to get their junk out and compare, right?
Leah K | December 10th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Oh, thank God our daughter isn’t the only one who equated penis with tail. Except in our case, it was the dog’s erm…well, not his tail, put it that way.
I think though that this is really about your own comfort levels. I remember seeing my father nude when I was young as he was coming out of the shower. Having already seen my baby brothers getting their diapers changed though, the “tail” wasn’t a shock. The hair, however, put me off of my lunch for a while.
Our own daughter routinely hangs out in the bathroom while my husband showers (it’s the only way he can get a shower in and ensure her relative safety) and “chats” with him. At 20 months, the conversations are entertaining to overhear, but they’re so far not inquisitive.
Me, on the other hand…she walks into our room when I’m changing all starry eyed and says, “Hiiiiiiiiii” in that way that leaves me waiting for, “Sailor…” to follow. She’s extraordinarily curious about my anatomy - but not in a comparative way, oddly enough.
All that being said, there is no way I would walk around nude in front of our child and nor would her dad. It’s just our own comfort level. Frankly, if either of my parents wandered about the house in the altogether when I was growing up, I would probably be in therapy. All of this is totally at odds with my views on sex too, so I don’t know why I should feel this way. But there it is.
Oh, and both of my parents stopped giving me baths at the same time when I demanded autonomy in that venue. Not because I was shy or afraid of them seeing my bits, but because I was a big girl now, dammit!
Phe | December 11th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
My father mostly kept covered up when we were around; but we saw him naked once or twice and I don’t remember being really phased by it.
But of course we male cousins who had delighted from the age of 5 or so in showing off their unique skills (such as peeing while standing) when no parents were around.
In college I met a girl from a true nudist family; everyone walked around naked when inside their home (yes they kept their blinds drawn) and thought nothing of it. Most of us were both fascinated and repulsed at the thought.
I think one’s own comfort level comes into play more than anything here.
Mich | December 16th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
My parents used to walk around naked all the time and leave the door open when using the bathroom. This disturbed me greatly as I got older. My parents would also walk into the bathroom while I was in the shower (they knew how to unlock doors from the outside). Although they couldn’t see anything, it bothered me greatly. They claimed “Their house, they can enter wherever they want, when they need to.” So, needless to say, I have been the opposite wiht my son but its really hard! He bursts into the bedroom and the bathroom all the time. The master bathroom door is slightly broken and he runs in there if he knows I’m there. If I’m in the shower and forget to lock the bedroom door, he will run in the bathroom and open the shower curtain and scream bloody murder if we try to remove him. This is not out of curiosity but more that sometimes he gets in that mood where is he can’t see and be with mommy he freaks out. So, I try not to be naked in front of him but its not working out quite as I’d like. I do, however, walk around in my bra and underwear in the mornings only because we live in Florida and these items cover me the same (maybe more) as all of my swimsuits - and we are in swim wear every week.
Oceans Mom | December 22nd, 2009 at 7:35 pm
That is so funny! I have a daughter and a son. My daughter learned the difference real young since her little brother streaks around naked and they took baths together when they were younger. The best advice I can give is just be matter of fact about it. Girls have innies and boys have outies. They are private areas.
Now if it was that simple when they ask about how babies are made!
Terri | January 1st, 2010 at 10:25 am
I’m from Holland and I don’t think you need to cover up around your daughter unless she seems uncomfortable with your nudity. My opinion is: a naked body is natural. I’m a teenager and I still come out of the shower in the nude. My sister is also a teenager and she doesn’t think anything of it. I have always done it. She wants her privacy, but she’s not bothered by me. She even came into my room to talk about something while I was putting on my underwear. But it’s up to you how you want to raise your dauhter.
source from wikipedia.
In a 1995 review of the literature, Paul Okami concluded that there was no reliable evidence linking exposure to parental nudity to any negative effect.[5] Three years later, his team finished an 18-year longitudinal study that showed that, if anything, such exposure was associated with slight beneficial effects, particularly for boys.[6]
Marshall | February 5th, 2010 at 1:36 pm