Work It, Dad!
with Avi Spivack
Hi, I'm Avi, and I try to put the work and the dad together, with mild success. This is all about trying to give you a view from what it looks like on the dad-man's side of the world, and I hope you find my ruminations humorous because I try not to take myself too seriously.
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Behold a new term in the realm of the American domestic lingo: the “househusband.”
I am not sure if the NY Times will take credit for inventing a new word and adding it into the mix - perhaps they were somewhat uninspired and just swapped “husband” for “wife” in the much-more-used “housewife” (which these days might cause some level of nausea, depending on who you ask).
It is a blog-like exchange between David Brooks and Gail Collins, as they discuss the changing landscape of American domesticity and - by extension - gender roles.
Are “househusbands” really the future (as the title suggests)?
I have to say that in my current company, I would provide a resounding NO. Not only are most of my colleagues men, nearly all of the mens’ wives do not work (and stay at home with their multiple children).
But I would seem to be in the minority, as the blog-exchange relates, and as the unemployment and employment statistics state fairly clearly: many more men have been laid off and are out of work and women now outnumber men in the workforce.
Having been laid off myself (for 4 months), I know the mental impact it can have (even after being re-employed), but what does it mean for a family to say that it makes more sense for the man to stay home full time?
In the Times piece, Brooks says that women/mothers are more “naturally nurturing” - do you agree? Does a man become emasculated if he cannot work (or if his family situation dictates that he should not work and allow his wife to make all the money)?
I would guess that it depends on the man. I don’t know if I would feel emascualted, per se, but I do know it would be extremely discouraging to be unable to work - though perhaps I am ignorant in this thought process.
I do know that in our broad circle of friends, I’ve only met one stay-at-home dad (or “househusband”), and while I’m not sure what that means as far as the trends in the rest of the country, I am eager to find out whether this will indeed become a movement - that us guys must be able to be the domestic, nurturing ones because the gender seesaw has tipped the other way…perhaps permanently.
Do you have or know a househusband? How does it work and what do you think about the future of mister moms?
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Avi, you and I are both in the same article in the Globe today. Yes, my husband is a househusband for a little while longer (our daughter just got into the affordable care center where I work after having been on the wait list since before she was born) and you can see, in the last part of the article, why it made sense for (and to) us.
I asked one commenter and I would ask here, WHY is it emasculating to stay home and raise kids? When you talk to many working mothers, there are loads who equated staying home and tended to snotty noses and play dates was a fate akin to death for them too. I know I couldn’t do it but for that, I’m supposed to feel empowered?
I call bullshit.
I am not empowered. I am just me. My husband is hardly emasculated (turns out he is WAY better at both nurturing than I am while still being quite a man), he is him.
Is the root of this thinking born out of a subconscious idea that all women are really just gold diggers at heart who have to have their men provide for them?
It’s looking more and more like it as the comments to the articles keep coming in.
Phe | February 18th, 2010 at 1:19 pm
Due to the economy and my husband getting laid off my husband has been a “househusband” for over a year now. He also is a student at night, so after I come home from work I take over the responsibilities. Being a stay at home parent is a job that’s more demanding/rewarding than any other job I can think of.
Having a husband that is a great parent and is happy to stay home is wonderful! He takes our son to the park, makes sure all the laundry is done, house is cleaned up, shares quality time with our 2 year old, and is able to be a student as well. At times it’s been hard since I know he would like to be the provider too, but given the economy today, and my job being the one with benefits, and currently more earning potential I am the one who works. We both contribute equally to our families needs, and that’s all that matters.
It’s frustrating when “stay at home” moms give us dirty looks or think it’s weird that I work and my husband doesn’t. As if he is not being a good provider or lazy or unable to be a nurturer. But really I couldn’t feel more lucky that my child is getting to enjoy the benefits of having one of us be able to be home that we are saving a ton on day care costs and that I have a great job, that supports our family enough to be able to do so.
Personally, if you get the opportunity to be a stay at home mom that’s great but it’s not for me. I have a successful career, and my husband is still working at his so it just makes sense for us right now. It’s funny because when my husband tells working dads that his current job is being a dad “househusband” they give him nothing but complements, and tell him they wish they could have that opportunity as well.
It’s nice to hear that there are other dads/families out there in the same boat. It doesn’t matter what gender plays the “dad” role or the “mom” role anymore! It’s about what works best for your family’s situation.
CT | February 18th, 2010 at 6:16 pm
Why is it emasculating to stay at home? Well its the same thing as when women say, as most women today do say, that they want to be independent and self sufficient, have their own career, rather than stay at home and be dependent on their husbands. Women saying they don’t want to be “dependent” is the equivalent of men saying they don’t want to be “emasculated.” It means they don’t want to be dependent on their wives. So it’s the same thing. The one difference is that when women say they want a career of their own rather than being dependent on their husbands, they get praise. When men say the same thing they get criticized, and are told they shouldn’t be afraid of emasculation.
If there is nothing wrong with staying at home, why have feminists spent so much time insisting that women who don’t have careers of their own are depressed, frustrated, unfulfilled, miserable, dependent, unequal, have no identity, etc.
If there is nothing wrong with staying at home, why has the number of women who do, steadily declined to the point where the number of men and women in the work force is approximately equal. There must be something unappealing about it for both men and women.
You stated that many working mothers equate staying home with a fate worse than death. Yet you question why men feel exactly the same way. You’re hung up on the word “emasculate.” Get over it. Just accept that women object to staying at home just like men do. If you accept women who prefer to work outside the home, you must accept that men have the same preference.
fanwill | February 18th, 2010 at 7:38 pm
CT: You sound a lot like our family. My husband was so happy with his job as a SAHD - and in fairness, he has met other men who have expressed similar “wishes”. Unfortunately, he’s also met many who, in spite of the fact that it was a choice and that he was happy doing it, figured he was less of a man because HE wasn’t the one providing.
Income is a shared thing and I took exception to the author of the article I referenced saying I “doled out” spending money. He has equal access, but the point we were both making is that there was little left over for spending to begin with and we were careful with where it went. We made sure there was enough for he and our daughter to do things during the week. (Notice this isn’t an “I” thing).
Frankly, if he was being paid for what he did, he would have outearned me in spades given that he does the care, housework, laundry -AND fixes our car and does projects around the house (from re-painting, to minor electrical and plumbing…the stuff I can’t do).
And fanwii: He asked me last night what “emasculated” meant. When I told him, he just laughed and said, “Why the fuck should I feel that way? Because some @%#$! isn’t comfortable enough with his own ‘manhood’?”
What I accept is that each family makes the best choice for them - and that gender should have nothing to do with the roles that work best within the family unit and that people are entirely too hung up on the junk between the legs.
I don’t accept what the feminists say anymore than I accept what derisive men say. People work because they have to or want to. People stay home because they want to or have to. It shouldn’t be viewed as a male/female thing and no woman is less because of her choice (no matter what the feminists say) any more than a man is.
Phe | February 19th, 2010 at 12:40 pm
the title of this blog got me laughing.
vera babayeva | February 20th, 2010 at 10:08 pm
My “househusband” lost his job just a week and a half ago and I went back to work full-time to compensate. And you know what? Already he is far outshining me in domestic and stay-at-home-parenting skills. That said, we didn’t switch roles based on who’s better suited to stay home (or, sadly, who has the highest earning potential) but based on what work is available. So for someone to say that the househusband trend comes out of choice rather than necessity, especially in this economy? I don’t know that I buy that.
Also, the soft statistic in the article that says a quarter of wives are already making more money than their husbands (the “already” presumably meaning it’s an increasingly upward trend)? I wonder how much that has to do with the number of women who return to the workforce only on the condition that they’re compensated for loss of family time with a high salary. A lot of women I know wouldn’t go back to work full time to make $30,000/yr but they definitely would for $100,000. And they say you can’t put a price on these things…
Leah | March 11th, 2010 at 5:54 am
I’ve heard the term “househusband” for many years - decades, in fact. SAHM or SAHD (Stay at home mom/ dad) seem like the newer terms. Is a man emasculated if he stays home? Not a bit. A man capable of handling a home and raising a family is a multi-talented adult.
Daisy | March 13th, 2010 at 6:01 pm