Work It, Dad!
with Avi Spivack
Hi, I'm Avi, and I try to put the work and the dad together, with mild success. This is all about trying to give you a view from what it looks like on the dad-man's side of the world, and I hope you find my ruminations humorous because I try not to take myself too seriously.
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Not to stir up the pot here too much, but I have now heard one too many people tell me that I/we “can’t” have just one kid.
Really? Are you gonna give me another one to go with the one I already have?
Can’t?
I think not. I think we will be just fine with just one (even if many others might disagree).
Now I know this ain’t a new topic, but it caught the top of my mind as we spent the weekend with a small wedding party of friends and family - many siblings on display, and a few only children.
The tendency is always to ask which is “better” or who is “happier”?
I have been able to stop doing asking those questions, recognize (and celebrate) the differences. Though I never did think I would have an only child (mostly because I am not one - I have a younger brother), I am convinced you really just have to do what is right for you.
I have now witnessed siblings who are completely at odds and detract from one another, and others where it works.
I have been friends with many only children, some who have embraced, some who now have two children of their own (perhaps because they regretted their only-childhood).
But there is no answer, methinks…
What do YOU say?
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Only children, multiple children…it all boils down to what’s right for you. It seemed like I had no sooner given birth than our friends who were of an older, Irish generation were pushing us to “give:” her a brother or sister.
I can’t have anymore children though - and that’s a relief. We didn’t _want_ another.
I really don’t believe that having siblings or not means much for development, love, social integration or anything else. And besides - kids cost more to raise now than my parents would have dreamed when they raised a family of 4 children (so sayeth my mom). If you can make it work and you want to, awesome. We can’t, we didn’t want to and that’s the way it is. Our choice.
Phe | October 6th, 2010 at 3:21 pm
To me that type of meddling is like every other; but I’m with you, even if you CAN it doesn’t mean you MUST. My daughter went through a brief period of wanting a baby brother when she entered school. I soon realized it was because she’d made friends and a lot of them had younger brothers. Therefore she thought she needed one. Now that we’re a few years in, she’s stopped asking (perhaps she’s realized how pesky they can be
Sure, it might be nice as life goes on but I expect she’ll make her own “family” much as I did living so far away from my natural family.
Mich | October 11th, 2010 at 5:36 pm
I am an only child and I loved it. I got so much attention. There was no one to fight with. I had a cousin to play with. She would go home. I had my space. I had access to money to do things I wanted to do. I remember when I was about 5, I wanted a sibling but I got over it. Just keep socializing and life will be just fine.
Heather | October 21st, 2010 at 9:28 pm
My husband & I currently have 2 biological children. I always felt like 3 kids and 2 parents would make our family complete. Financially, logically, realistically, I know that 3 probably isn’t a good idea. I still want another child. That’s a choice we’ll have to make as a family over the next few years, I think. In the meantime, I am thoroughly aggravated by the people (family, friends and even strangers) who feel that our choice is open for public debate. As if its as mundane a conversation as the weather forecast. Your personal family composition is your choice. Period. Tell the meddlers to take stuff it.
mamakerr | October 25th, 2010 at 1:59 pm
Just a light-hearted observation. Through most of history, the size of one’s family wasn’t really talked about as a choice. Sure, you could go Scarlett O’Hara and announce that you’re having no more babies “and you do know what that means, Rett,” but for everyday traditional families, whether you had 2 or 4 or 8 was not something you agonized about like we do now. How much our lifestyle and outlook have changed.
SKL | October 26th, 2010 at 12:42 pm
Draw whatever conclusions from this that you will:
My father was an only child who went on to sire 9 children.
Of those 9, 1 had no children and 4 (including me) have only children. The other 4, of course, have more than 1.
What I take from it is that every experience is different and you do what you gotta do.
Another related humorous observation: Remember before you had children that those with children would harp on you to have children (what is the point of LIFE without children)? Then, you went and had one and the tune changed to (you can’t ONLY have one…that’s practically child abuse). My takeaway - there is no pleasing people. So do what works for you.
Pat | November 2nd, 2010 at 12:31 am
Take what you want from this: I’m an only child, I had a wonderful and loving childhood growing up. I didn’t miss having a brother or sister growing up because I was spoiled. But I will definitely try to give my son 1 brother or sister.
The older I get the more I wish I had a sibling. It seems like all of the immediate family issues always falls to me. I just feel like if I had a sibling to talk to things would be less stressful. for me. But then again I could have siblings like my mom (on drugs, losers) and everything still falls to her.
So basically you never know what you’ll get out of a sibling so you might as well do what works for you.
ACL | November 2nd, 2010 at 1:53 pm
I read your article about this sometime back and since my son is only 9 months old I never really encountered people telling me how many children to have….but while at Walmart and Costco this past weekend two people (employees I might add) stopped me and told me that I need to have one more. I didn’t ask, I didn’t bring up the subject, and it was just really awkward. I do want 2 children, but I kept thinking about those people that only want one and I couldn’t help but feel like these people were out of line.
Marcia | November 2nd, 2010 at 7:13 pm
I think it’s nice for a child to have at least one sibling to play with.
Linda | November 2nd, 2010 at 9:41 pm
It seems to me that if you have any number other than 2 children, poeple will have something to say. Only have one, “But who will they play with?”… having your third(or fourth, fifth, etc), “You do know what causes that, right?”.
Sarah | November 4th, 2010 at 5:51 pm