Work It, Dad!
with Avi Spivack
Hi, I'm Avi, and I try to put the work and the dad together, with mild success. This is all about trying to give you a view from what it looks like on the dad-man's side of the world, and I hope you find my ruminations humorous because I try not to take myself too seriously.
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Unemployment leaves you with time for ruminating, self-reflection (and doubt), and it tests your personal resolve.
I keep linking to the NY Times’ Well blog because their posts continue to be pertinent; most recently, “The Isolation of Unemployment.”
But while the original post itself was timely, what struck me - as so often happens - was one of the comments, which I will quote here:
“Men need to learn to develop an inner life. Most women who find themselves unemployed marvel at how much they get done that they can’t do when employed. Learn to be alone with yourself. It is amazing what you will learn.”
Whoa. So this hit me hard.
First off, what a blatant generalization about the sexes. And second, is it actually true - do I not have an “inner life?”
I will say that this experience of unemployment is one that I hope never to repeat again - to be out of work when I need to be working is just plain bad, and I cannot see how women would be able to get more done while unemployed. I basically spend all of my time trying to find another job - doesn’t everyone do the same?
But this differentiation of the sexes bothers me; I tend to believe that how someone deals with periods of stress (and loneliness) is not necessarily related to their gender, rather their makeup as a human and their ability to mentally “weather the storm.” Are men less “strong” in this regard - and in this particular period of stress - because we define ourselves with our jobs and without them we feel vacant? I don’t really think so.
For me, it is a new and odd and scary existence - because it is so unfamiliar: I have never before been without a job, so I have needed to learn how to adapt, but I don’t think my struggles can be tied to my lack of some sort of “inner life.” But perhaps I’m wrong. Perhaps you women are better equipped to deal with unemployment and loneliness and other life challenges better than us because you are more emotionally in-tune.
All I know is that I do miss the daily interaction and - as many other commenters suggest - I try to ensure that I schedule calls and meetings everyday, so that I don’t find myself slipping into a mental place from which it will be more difficult to escape. And that seems to be a universal theme, not a male one: we all need human interaction, and work frequently brings us that daily dose, even if it is often wrought with another kind of stress.
Above all, I’ve certainly gained a new perspective on employment as well as learned how I cope with stress - not too well (though in these times, it’s certainly tough to fight back the stress).
I continue to wonder, though, about that comment, and whether there is a kernel of truth to the notion that us men have not evolved inner lives and might we be afraid of what we find if we chose to look a little deeper to find there’s not much there?
I am VERY curious to hear your thoughts on this, so please, sound off!
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if you ask my mom, she will totally agree with that comment.
My mom always says, when women is home she will always find something to do, when men is out of work he drives everyone including himself and his wife crazy. God forbid, man is out of work.
I kind of agree. As women, we will clean, organize, cook extra. What do men do? I am not sure and I don’t want to genrealize. What about you Avi, what do you do during the free time you have?
vera babayeva | March 12th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
I agree with vera babayeva- and her Mom- Women always are able to find things to do. If their working or not. And alot of men (yes-my husband) tries his best to get out of any kind of work he can. When he was laid - off for over a year- was still the same -instead of taking advantage of the time to get some things out of the way.
Now he has been back to work for 6 months (yea) but off this week due to back problems. And he is driving around wasting gas and also driving me crazy. Can’t wait till Monday when he goes back to work.
eileen | March 12th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I do not like sexist generalizations.
And yet… there is some research to support the idea that women are “stronger” in the area of being alone. Widowers are far more likely to remarry than widows, and those who don’t remarry are very likely to die sooner. Widows tend not to remarry, but to express their pleasure at their newfound independence. At least, that’s what the studies say.
Anecdotally, it does seem to me that men take job losses much harder than women do. Has anyone done a study on this? Perhaps because it is more socially/culturally acceptable for a woman to be without employment than it is for a man? Maybe men tend to tie their employment to their self-worth and self-concept more than women do? I don’t know.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/business/2009/feb/15/unemployment-men-women-discouraged
Robyn | March 12th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Vera, here’s an interesting article that addresses your comments about what men do when they are out of work. I wonder what the data will show when all is said and done?
http://www.slate.com/id/2213485/
Robyn | March 12th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
I don’t think men necessarily have less of an inner life, maybe less of a social life outside of work.
Take a look back at your own column, “Mad at Dad”, where you say,
“If you read through the comments, it seems that most of the anger comes from the working mom set, those mothers whose only “job” it is to take care of the home, recognize that they own the responsibility and rely on their husbands less - the water grows very murky when both parents work (especially in demanding jobs) and mom feels like she is doing everything (as happens in my home).”
The reason women who get laid off often feel they are getting so much done is that they have effectively gone from having two jobs (work and homefront) to having just one!
SoftwareMom | March 12th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
I guess I’d have to be both male and female to answer this question. But I do know couples where it is imperative that the man have someplace to go every day! I don’t know any couples where that’s true for the woman.
My dad has lots of hobbies and he really looked forward to his retirement. Unfortunately, it was somewhat soured by the fact that the year leading up to it was really unpleasant at work, and by the physical problems that are keeping him from doing some of the things he loves.
My dad is an engineer by trade, so one might think he would miss doing “important” thinking, but he has built a pretty sophisticated workshop in the basement where he does a lot of engineering on a small scale. He designs and builds his own machinery, bows and arrows for target practice, fixes for the house, etc.; refurbishes antique guns; stuff like that. In addition to his hobbies, he has always been very spiritual and intellectual about non-work stuff. So I guess there is something to be said for guys “developing” those areas, but I’m not sure I’d agree that “most” men don’t have them already. I definitely know plenty of men who can occupy their minds and bodies outside of a “job.” But then again, I know men who really can’t, and I can’t say I know any women like that. Women will fill the void with new age spirituality or gossip if nothing else.
SKL | March 13th, 2009 at 1:12 am
Thank you all for the great comments, and Robyn, great link to that slate.com article.
Vera, to answer your question specifically: I don’t have (or perhaps I have not made) more time for myself; I truly spend all of the daytime hours searching/researching for jobs, preparing for interviews, etc.
I am certain that I am a pain around the house, simply because I am home more often, but we have tried to (somehow) maintain the same schedule and set of domestic duties (I have not learned how to cook, as I promised to do).
So am I just a man without the sense to see everything that needs to get done around the house, or am I just looking at this time as “must find job”?
Avi Spivack | March 13th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Honestly, you sound very healthy. Unemployment is tough on anyone; you’re keeping your head together despite the challenges.
Daisy | March 14th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
I am a woman, and have been unemployed many times in my life. I do use most of my time looking for other work when unemployed, but then, I am different from most women, and most people. I have always been the kind of person who needs to look inward. I must understand my inner thoughts and feelings, or I feel unfulfilled.
This is uncommon, and has nothing to do with gender. There are many women who know nothing about themselves (I know a few), and many men who are very self-actualized.
However, the female brain is built with more neurotransmitters dedicated to emotion, and is therefore able to deal with and process emotions far more easily than a male brain. Still, looking inward is a skill that must be learned, either taught by other people, or figured out for yourself, and anyone can do it.
We are humans, not dogs, and we all have the ability (barring a disability or chemical imbalance) to look inward. It’s important for personal growth as a person, but it is frightening. I’ve learned horrible things about myself. I used to be a horrible person, and it was painful having to face those things.
Many people just don’t have the courage or desire to learn about themselves, but if you try, inner exploration will always lead to growth. Growth leads to more inner happiness, and life is much easier when you are happy with yourself.
Rose | April 7th, 2009 at 12:33 am