Work It, Dad!
with Avi Spivack
Hi, I'm Avi, and I try to put the work and the dad together, with mild success. This is all about trying to give you a view from what it looks like on the dad-man's side of the world, and I hope you find my ruminations humorous because I try not to take myself too seriously.
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I’ve been blabbing to anyone who listen (and even those who won’t) that my first book is coming out in August and it’s super funny and super poignant and buy it, buy it, buy it. It all feels very narcissistic and self-congratulatory and awkward, and this morning I finally realized why.
While the book is about me and my penis and my struggle to recover from a crippling episode of clinical depression, the real hero of the story is my wife.
I didn’t realize it at the time, mostly because my brain was virtually immobilized and up on cinder blocks in some musty repair garage, but my wife saved my life. I was in no condition to be a parent, a husband, or even a guardian. I lost control of myself. I had nothing to offer – emotionally, spiritually, supportively – and yet she stayed. She filled the roles of mother and father, husband and wife, disciplinarian and playmate. She fought for me. She suffered for me. She endured for me when she had no endurance left.
I don’t know how she did it. I spent most of the last year writing the book, going back to those dark, ugly places to re-examine how badly I was broken, how hopeless and helpless I was, how difficult I must have been to live with, talk to, and understand. It is not a pretty picture, and it occurs to me that the easier course of action for her would have been to err on the side of self-preservation. To shield the kids from seeing their father crumble into a huddle mass of tears and weakness. But she didn’t feel that way. She stayed. She stuck it out. And we’re better for it.
With Mother’s Day looming, the annual dread of finding the right gift has again surfaced. But this year, thanks to my newfound awareness of the impenetrable love and support my wife has shown me, the search is harder than ever. Although she’d probably say a convertible Benz would do the trick, I have this feeling that no material possession or sappy Hallmark card could ever do justice to the gratitude I feel for her sacrifice during those tough years.
I suppose the only way to communicate that is to show, not tell.
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Beautiful post, Danny. After reading Rage, it was abundantly clear that you married an amazing woman. This is a great tribute to her.
Angella | May 5th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
as usual, gut wrenching honesty served up beautifully. my father was murdered nearly a year ago. i, too, had to sort through that time period and was amazed at my husband. his strength. his love. his cooking/cleaning/caring … while this sort of test isn’t something you wish on your very worst enemies, coming out of the other side of these epic life events can leave us with something wondrous — the indisputable knowledge that we are with our perfect person. good on you, Danny.
now, interest rates on the Benz are at an all time low … just sayin’ …
nita | May 5th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
I do believe that is the sweetest thing I’ve ever read…*sniff*
What a wonderful tribute to your wife!
Megan | May 5th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
No, tell too! Definitely tell. Often.
Half Assed Kitchen | May 5th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
your wife = total rockstar
ali | May 5th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
A beautiful love letter to your wife, Danny. It’s been great sharing your journey. And having you write so honestly about it.
PAPA | May 5th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
It takes a very strong marriage to make it through depression and I’m so glad you had such a wonderful woman by your side. I have a feeling you would do the same for her. Can’t wait to read the whole story!
Misty | May 5th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
This is possibly the sweetest thing I’ve read that you’ve written, and I hope that your wife see this. You know what they say, “Behind every strong man is an even stronger woman!”
Kat
Kat | May 5th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Oh, and I would LOVE to read Rage, and I wish it came out before August.
Kat | May 5th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
Wow, Danny. Just wrap up this post and give it to your wife. You’ll be golden. Appreciation is one of the best gifts ever. Also pedicures…
Lynn @ Walking With Scissors | May 5th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
What an awesome tribute to your wife. Loved this post, Danny.
Kat1124 | May 6th, 2009 at 1:16 am
“Unconditional” is awesome. To have a partner who can lift you up when you feel as if standing is too tough a task is what having a partner is all about. Well said, sir.
Kerri Anne | May 6th, 2009 at 2:37 am
Great read. Your wife is a good role model to all of those who give up too early on marriage. It’s not all sunshine and flowers. You need to work hard at it to really see how great it can be.
Playstead | May 6th, 2009 at 2:41 am
I’ve been looking forward to your book in August, and now I’m looking forward to it even more. I’m sure you’ll find a way to both show and tell yor wife how incredible she is.
Lylah | May 6th, 2009 at 3:48 am
It’s so nice to read something like that! Sometimes I wonder what’s happened to that kind of love and commitment. Thanks for honoring your wife that way. She sounds like a phenomenal woman!
I’m looking forward to reading your book!
Elaina Avalos | May 6th, 2009 at 6:02 am
Dang, I’m crying, and it’s only 8 in the morning. Beautiful post.
Ellen | May 6th, 2009 at 11:41 am
You’re both awesome.
Torrie | May 6th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Dude, just yeah. Really good.
Missy | May 6th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
HotWife rocks!
Jennifer P | May 6th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Hot Wife is obviously more of a saint than all those holy people mixed together. The guy I dated before I married my current husband dealt with chronic depression and ACA stuff, and I know firsthand how your instinct of self-preservation takes over when all you’re faced with daily is anger, verbal abuse, and negativity–even if you tell yourself that it’s the illness talking. So yeah. Better hold on to this wonderful woman of yours. Not all of us are that resilient.
Charlotte | May 7th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
My reaction when I read this post was bittersweet. Obviously, the first thing I want to say is: Congratulations to you and your wife for making it through a difficult time together and for reaching your happy ending! I can definitely relate to your wife’s feeling that it is worth it to sacrifice for the sake of your marriage and family. In fact, I stayed with my husband for six months after first realizing that he was battling mental illness, for much the same reason. I believed so strongly in my commitment to him and in my desire for our family to remain whole. I wanted so badly for my daughter to understand that love among family is and should be unconditional, and that we don’t just throw people aside because they are sick or in need. Of course, the irony to that is that in trying so desperately to cling to these values, I ended up watching in horror as my husband deteriorated into a man whose behavior demonstrated the opposite of love and commitment. I realized that I was actually exposing my daughter to very dangerous influences, and became scared that if I allowed my daughter to see my husband mistreat me, someday she might let someone mistreat her too. It was a very painful decision, but ultimately I decided to leave. My husband’s illness was more than just depression, and moreover, he refused to seek help. He completey transformed from the man I fell in love with and married into a complete monster. And the saddest part of all is that by the time I left, I felt I had no choice but to seek the help of the court system in getting an order of protection against him and having him vacated from our family home. I wish there had been a way instead to force him to get the help he needs so that we might have a chance at being a family again. It has been extremely difficult for me to come to terms with having left him in such a bad way, and I hate the fact that the well-being of me and my daughter came to depend on the abandonment of his well-being. I write all of this to say that I think it is a shame that there are so few resources in our society for those of us who find ourselves living on that line between needing to support our spouses while they are weak but also needing to remain strong for ourselves and our children, without letting the illness take over the entire family. I wish there had been a better way to navigate that line for me; as a result of the choices I felt I had to make, we are now all broken to some degree. My daughter and I are lucky to have enough resources to do just fine and to also have the support of wonderful friends and family, but we lost our husband and Daddy. And as for my husband, if he was unwilling to get help while we were together, he is even more lost now. I was just curious as to your thoughts on this; having been there and back, what do you think can be done in situations like mine where the love of a wife is not enough?
Jesse | May 8th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Thank you all for your thoughtful comments about Hot Wife. Its never easy to watch one’s spouse go through something awful, but she has been heartened by your support and love.
Jesse, thanks for trusting this forum enough to share your story with us. Its crushing to know that at times depression is so insidious and disruptive that it makes men do horrible things to their spouses. Yours is one of the more extreme cases I’ve heard, and my heart breaks for you. Genuinely. But you’re right: there are times when a wife’s love and support aren’t enough to bring a man back from the edge of the cliff, and that’s why I think we all need to increase awareness of men’s depression.
Men need to be able to identify depression when they feel it and feel safe enough to drop their guard and get help. No one can fault you for protecting yourself and your daughter, and I imagine your predicament might have been made less burdensome by a husband who was better aware of what was happening to him. I think the primary means of making men aware is to discuss it openly, honestly, and directly — and sadly some guys are simply too macho to do that.
On a selfish note, it’s my hope that RAGE will help to stimulate those discussions by encouraging guys to feel that they’re not alone. We’ll have to see about that. But the one thing I KNOW can help the situation is heroic women like you, like my wife, and like the women throughout the country who support their men through terrible ordeals, until the point when safety prevents them from doing continuing.
dannyevans | May 8th, 2009 at 9:45 pm