Work It, Dad!
with Avi Spivack
Hi, I'm Avi, and I try to put the work and the dad together, with mild success. This is all about trying to give you a view from what it looks like on the dad-man's side of the world, and I hope you find my ruminations humorous because I try not to take myself too seriously.
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Okay, I’ll come out and say it: are you mothers really the only ones who can run a household, manage a family, and keep it all together?
Are we men that inept, so unnecessary at home that not a word has been mentioned about the time that Obama has to spend at home with his young daughters and all the freakin’ press in the word focuses on Palin and her five offspring?
So be warned: I am offended.
OF COURSE there is a double-standard here.
Did you know that McCain has 4 kids in his current marriage and 3 from a previous one? (You may have seen this little fact in the CNN ticker during the RNC). That’s almost as many as Jon & Kate.
And one of them even wrote a loving book about him.
So why oh why is the mother the focal point of the family, the only one who can mother? I know we can’t produce breast milk, but us dads are parents, too, are we not?
No, I can’t do everything as well as my wife, and I am not denying that the mother is fundamental to the familial unit, but it somehow still shocks me that Obama can parade his young children on stage to prove that he’s a proud father, but not a one questions whether he has a shred of time to spend with them given that he is campaigning 25 hours a day on the road.
But when Palin is wheeled out, we all wonder how on earth she can be the VP and a mother to five at the same time? (And we all know the story of the youngest one.) I admit, it’s a compelling question, but it not only minimizes the father’s role in the family, it also piles more pressure on all of the working mothers out there.
What do you think - does Obama spend enough time with his kids? And - if elected - will Palin fail as a mother?
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couple of months ago, a cnn reported whlie interviewing Michelle Obama, asked her about family life. And Michelle said that Mr. Obama does not see the kids. So once they are through with the campain as a reward the girls are getting a pony or something.
No one judged the fact that Obama barely sees his children.
While Palin was on stage with children we are questioning and judging her. What’s funny, women always complain about how they don’t want to be judged, but they are the ones doing it. Ugh!
The fact that people are trashing Palin is pissing me off, if you can’t already tell.
Palin will not fail. She and any other women running for president will be great.
vera babayeva | September 8th, 2008 at 4:39 am
please forrgive the typo, it’s late at night.
it’s CNN reporter while interviewing Michelle…
vera babayeva | September 8th, 2008 at 4:40 am
THANK YOU!
I had the same thoughts about the lack of concern for Obama’s parenting duties that he’s neglecting. My husband is probably about as close to an equal partner as you can get. The way it works at our house is just constant shifting of parenting power. If I’m heavy on career stuff with travel or whatever, my husband shifts down and takes care of the kids more. If he’s busier, I am the one who tries to leave the office on time every day. I think this is just such a foreign concept with even the just slightly older generation that they really think the kids are running wild if the mom is not there. They forget that there are two parents in many households to share the duties!
AJB | September 8th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Well, I don’t know the answer to the question here, since I haven’t seen 100 articles per week about his parenting style. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen one, ever. Bummer, huh?
SKL | September 8th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Wow, I wish I could get a pony, too! In all seriousness, I am actually not criticizing Obama himself - each family does its own thing with regards to achieving balance and making it work the best they can; the media - and our whole society by extension - is the culprit, essentially saying that the women should not be ambitious and are needed to mother, but the men are fathers second. “Company First, Family Second?”
Avi Spivack | September 8th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
I’m tired of the parenting aspect of this political debate, to be honest, but had to chime in here: One of the reasons I think that Obama (and, for that matter, McCain and Biden) aren’t being criticized for their parenting is that none of them are campaigning as “just your average hockey dad” or a “working dad” or any other kind of dad. I think it’s impossible to avoid the parenting attacks if your market strategy is your motherhood.
I’m not saying that it’s right, I’m saying that this is why I think it’s happening. And I think that Palin’s handlers need to find some other aspect of her to highlight.
Lylah | September 8th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Great post and great insight here.
It is also my view that both parents should have equal duties when it comes to parenting. Yes, nothing can take the place of a loving, nurturing mother. But the lead role of a father can not be replaced either. Both shoulder responsibilites and both are needed.
Many, many households today have two very career oriented parents. And that is great. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. So, sharing that responsibility just makes sense.
In our home, when I’m traveling, my husband takes over. When it’s his busy time, I take control. Isn’t that marriage and raising a family is about?
BELIEVE Success!
Lisa Willard
Lisa Willard | September 8th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Avi, I wondered when I’d hear this from you! It’s a very valid point but I don’t think it’s something the media is going to stop minimizing anytime soon. Well, not until stay-at-home and work-from-home dad’s unite. I think the stereotype of Dad putting biz first is grounded in the fact that many of us saw just that happening when we were growing up. Dad’s weren’t there after school and they weren’t always there for games.
Oh, and it’s a puppy the Obama’s are going to get, not a pony.
Mandy at Dandysound | September 8th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Lylah & Mandy - GREAT points, and I agree, mostly: the media will definitely not stop, and neither will all of us, but when Obama parades his kids up on stage, and he talks about them, he’s definitely implying that he is a model father, and forgive me, but if he ain’t there, not sure how present he can be.
And a puppy? Puh-lease, that does not seem consolation enough.
Let’s just admit that a woman’s job is harder and leave it at that.
Avi Spivack | September 8th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Lylah hits the nail on the head. Palin is campaigning on “look at me I’m a working mom,” but she is campaigning for a job that I don’t want a working mom to do. There, I said it. I’m a working mom and I work insane hours and you know what there are times when I am not a good mom and I’m a great worker and there are times when I’m not a good worker and I’m a great mom. Something has to give and I’m not comfortable with the country being the one giving. I don’t like Palin’s campaign that she is a “hockey mom” because I don’t want a “hockey mom” for vice president, I want a vice president for vice president, male or female. Fact is that McCain, Obama, and Biden don’t have an infant child with down syndrome. Fact is McCain, Obama, and Biden aren’t on the podium saying “Vote for me because I’m a soccer dad.” If any of them do that, I would be right there scrutinizing how much time they are spending with their children and wondering if their children are going to come first before their job as the president or vice president.
Avi - I understand why you are offended. But seriously I think this society has bought into the women can do it all idea way too much. Women can’t do it all at once, although as a mom, working or not, they are always doing something at some time. If Palin came out and said “I’m running for VP and my husband is the primary caregiver. I’m fine with not staying up all night with my baby if I have to attend a international summit the next day.” But she’s not. Man or woman, I want our President and VP to only be focusing on their job. Also, haven’t seen anything from Palin’s husband regarding him stepping up to the plate at parenting and running the household so his wife can do her job.
Anna | September 8th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Another good point - Palin has indeed promoted herself as the “hockey mom” and I even heard a tidbit about her husband holding down 2 jobs; so this begs the question: how many nannies do the Palins have?
Avi Spivack | September 8th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Avi, I agree with what you’re saying about Obama. But there’s a huge difference between parading your kids on stage (which McCain and Biden and Palin did as well) and referring to yourself as “just your average hockey dad.” My point isn’t whether any of the candidates are good parents; my point is that, if you’re going to make your parenthood a major part of your political identity, then you can’t expect people not to question how you parent, and how you’ll continue to parent if/when you take office.
But Obama is not calling himself a “regular soccer dad,” and if McCain was calling himself a “working dad of seven,” so they’re not calling as much attention to that aspect of their lives as Palin is when she refers to herself as a “working mom or a “hockey mom.”
Also, I think I read somewhere that her husband was quitting his job(s) to stay home with the younger kids (the older ones are out of the house or too old for nannies)…
Lylah | September 8th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Wow, this is news to me that Palin is campaigning as a soccer mom.
She said I “was” a soccermom [before I started being a working mom].
McCain “was” a POW but doesn’t say he’s gonna be a POW in the white house. Obama isn’t saying he’s gonna be a community organizer in the white house. Ms. Palin certainly never, ever said she’s gonna be “just your average hockey mom” in DC. Please.
Palin is running on a record of reform mainly, for those of you that didn’t hear her and McCain say it 1000 times. Her executive experience and her energy background come next. She’s never said word one about family values since her selection was announced, but yeah, conservatives like her conservative stance on that too.
She’s very clear about her positions and therefore it’s easy to decide if you agree with her or not. Chances are, if you find McCain too conservative, you won’t like Palin’s politics for sure. Fine, so you won’t be voting for their ticket. There’s no need to distort the platform like some are doing.
SKL | September 8th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Sorry, I meant hockey mom of course. Which to me just means she has kids that play hockey, but obviously I’m living on another planet.
SKL | September 8th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
SKL, I’m not saying that Palin is going to be “just your average hockey mom” in DC at all. I’m saying that I think people are focused on her parenting because she’s constantly referred to as a working mom or a hockey mom or a mom of 5, whereas the male candidates (now and in general) are not.
I don’t think it’s right, but that’s why I think it’s happening.
Lylah | September 8th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Well, Lylah, I respectfully disagree. I think they are doing this only because she is a “mother,” not because she mentions she has kids. They all have kids. Some have young kids. The first time McCain ran in 2000, his daughter was 9. Chelsea was 7 when the Clintons moved into the White House. How old was John-John when the Kennedys moved in?
Did you know there has only been one president in the history of our country who wasn’t a father (I think I read that), and none that haven’t been married? It’s because the American public has always been suspicious of men who didn’t have a typical family structure. A male politician should and does present himself as a father, and this benefits him without his having to field questions about his daycare arrangements. Go on Obama’s website, and tell me you don’t see a picture of him with his wife and kids. (It’s been a while since I looked, but I have an inkling.)
So if Ms. Palin is presented as a mother, it does NOT follow that she must answer to the nation for her private parenting decisions.
Look at it this way. If McCain had selected someone without any young children for his running mate, is it conceivable that the internet would start buzzing about how Obama parents his daughters? I mean, after all, he’d be the only person running with young kids this time around, so his parenting should be in question, don’t you think? No? I agree, everyone in the nation would consider it ridiculous. It IS ridiculous!
You know, studies have shown that the most important parenting factor in a woman’s success is the amount of time her FATHER spends with her. A study was done of influential women and every one of them had that in common. It would be easy to make a case against Obama’s parenting if anyone was so inclined. So let’s go at it! I have a few complaints to make about his practices, anyone want to hear them? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
SKL | September 8th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
By the way, Obama and Biden have both overtly mentioned the fact that Obama is a father of young kids, and therefore understands the concerns of parents for their children’s future. His parenthood as part of his candidacy would be no less prominent than hers, if you could take away the media hype.
SKL | September 8th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
I have no idea why his parenting isn’t being questioned. The pony thing sounds most bizarre but on an issues note to the undecideds if you go to Obama’s site at barackobama.com you can watch him on streaming video when he does his town halls - right now he is in MI. It’s an interesting listen.
lindsay | September 8th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
If Palin markets herself as “Working Mom,” the issue is fair game. In my family, we balance with give and take, depending on which one of us has the heaviest workload at the time. If I were to run for office, my husband would have to cut back. But would I subject my disabled teen to such public frenzy? No, I wouldn’t.
Daisy | September 9th, 2008 at 1:06 am
“So if Ms. Palin is presented as a mother, it does NOT follow that she must answer to the nation for her private parenting decisions.”
SKL, I agree with you! I’m not talking about whether or not she should answer for her private parenting decisions… I’m talking about why I personally think it’s become an issue.
“It would be easy to make a case against Obama’s parenting if anyone was so inclined. ”
Yep. Agree with you there, too.
I’m not sure that one can really blame only the media for the hype, though. I say that as a member of the media, of course, but also… people ask me all the time how I manage to juggle work and having five kids. My husband works for the same company (different department), and yet no one asks him that, ever. And three of our kids were his before we got married…
As I said before, I don’t think it’s right. I’m just trying to figure out why it happens.
Lylah | September 9th, 2008 at 1:43 am
I agree with you. If my husband wanted to run for POUSA, I would be VERY concerned about how it would affect our family.
That’s why my dislike for Sarah Palin has nothing to do with her mothering and everything to do with her politics.
Robyn | September 11th, 2008 at 1:10 am
Amen! Amen! Amen!
I am a working mom. My husband is a stay at home dad and he does a fantastic job at it!
I am always annoyed by the notion that only the mother is capable of caring for the children. And nobody seems to object to dads working 2 or 3 jobs in order to pay all the bills. Yeah, Mom gets to stay at home with the kids but where is Dad? Kids need their fathers too.
Mindy Richmond | September 12th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Sarah Palin as a mother of 5 will affect our country much, much less than her politics will. She is the one who is using her status of “mother” as an attempt to appeal to working mothers in America. This is why this aspect of her life is being scrutinized. This is also a very strategic move. If everyone is focused on the fact that she is a working mother, they may not take the time to realize that her actual politics are questionable at best.
Oceans Mom | September 12th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Maybe it’s not exactly to the point, but how come everyone gets so up in arms about how much time either candidate spends with his or her family? I much rather have a president who is fully and full time committed to the job of president or VP. I’m not voting for anyone’s ability to parent but to be leader of this country. How they manage their home/family life is not my concern. On that note, I do think it’s a HUGE difference whether you have 2 healthy children or 5 children of whom one is an infant (down syndrom or not - infants mean less sleep) and one with a baby on the way. The latter situation is a special one that requires more attention than someone with a very important job can possibly give without making the job only a 2nd priority.
Martina | September 13th, 2008 at 11:42 am
WHO CARES?!?!?!
Let’s get back to the real issues of President and VP…How will they run the country? How will they help America and it’s people?
Valerie | September 16th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
I believe that whichever parent is hands on at the time is plenty capable and just as good at the job as the other. There is no right or wrong as to which one does the best job or who does it better. I believe any parent that is involved is good. As for Palin, I am tired of her kids being shoved in my face. So what about the fifth one. I am sorry for the situation, but she’s not the only one. No sympathy play here.
Sandra | September 17th, 2008 at 12:32 am
Wow, look at the stir everyone is creating.
Okay, here is my 2 cents.
I’m a working mom, I have a 4 yr old, I had a dad who chose his profession over his children, (and now we are closer, but then we were not). (By the way, I never got a pony or a puppy)
No, I’m not running for VP.
No, Sarah Palin is not running for President, she’s running for VP, and with 5 kids, that’s a statement and a half.
I say that I like Ms. Palin over Mr. Obama, and that’s my right to choose…hmm, did I mention freedom of choice? I didn’t?
Well, now I just did.
Gia | September 19th, 2008 at 5:34 pm