The Work It, Mom! Blog
with Nataly
Hi, I am Nataly and I am the co-founder of Work It, Mom!
I write the daily Work It, Mom! Blog where I talk about issues affecting working moms, goings on in our Work It, Mom! community, new site features, updates,and contests. I also share my own juggle between work and family and love to see members jump in with comments. Come and visit often!
Nataly's profile on Work It, Mom!
The answer would seem to be yes.
As more and more women got out of the kitchen and went off to pursue their careers and financial independence they became less happy. Recent studies, written up in a recent New York Times article, show that in the last 40 years men have gotten happier while women have become less so.
“What has changed — and what seems to be the most likely explanation for the happiness trends — is that women now have a much longer to-do list than they once did (including helping their aging parents). They can’t possibly get it all done, and many end up feeling as if they are somehow falling short.”
I think this is extremely insightful and in my case, true. I am lucky to have a husband who is very involved as a dad, does not work crazy hours, and helps out a lot at home. But I still shoulder most of the responsibility for managing our home, taking care of our daughter, and making key decisions. I’ve also always been the main breadwinner, and while I like to work and I am extremely proud of my career achievements, the pressure I feel to take care of us financially definitely takes a toll on my happiness sometimes.
Add to this the fact that despite the fact that I’ve always worked had and been the main breadwinner I still harbor the ideals of what a great mom should be; you’ll find me in the kitchen at midnight making banana bread from scratch for my daughter because I think that’s what I should be doing. The to-do list is long, the responsibilities are many, and the stress level is high.
We know we can’t have it all, and yet many of us try. We realize if we try to have it all we can’t be great at everything we do, and we’re unhappy about feeling this way. The most seemingly happy working moms I know have either banished their inner perfectionist or never had one and truly accept the inherent imperfection required to keep your sanity as a working mom. I envy them, but if the data in this article is to be believed, they are still in the minority.
I am eager to hear your thoughts on this - please share!
Subscribe to blog via RSS
I think it’s like good news/bad news: the good news is that you get to have a rewarding career. The bad news is you get all of the attendant stress and headaches.
Jane | September 27th, 2007 at 12:56 pm
I think that feminism has opened up many more OPPORTUNITIES for women, and I think that’s raised the EXPECTATIONS for happiness. But we still have to CHOOSE from among those opportunities, and sometimes having all those choices is more a source of stress than happiness. The Superwoman, “have-it-all” myth fed the idea that maybe we DIDN’T have to make these choices and decisions among the various opportunities - but we do, and we’re still trying to sift through the fallout. I think feminism may have failed in making it clear that we really CAN’T have it all, all at once, all the time - but I think people are responsible for their own happiness.
Florinda | September 27th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
I see two problems. One is that while we have, as Florinda notes, far more opportunities (and with them, responsibilites and burdens), mens lives have not changed as dramatically. Used to be, the woman maintained the home and the man did the outside stuff. A division of labour that was more or less just/equitable, depending on your perspective. Now, women have taken on much, much more of the outside world, but the man’s role hasn’t changed nearly as dramatically. The male world is changing - but not as far and as fast as the women’s. So women bear an unfair portion of the burdens. It’s changing, but we’re far from “there” yet.
I know you appreciate your husband, Nataly, and you’re right to do so. Still, it’s rather a sad statement that women who have a partner who really does pull his weight at home see themselves as “lucky”. They ARE lucky — but it shouldn’t be so exceptional!
Secondly, I see happiness as internal. It is not dependent upon externals. We make it so to our detriment. Happiness arises out of what we do for others, what we think, how we respond to what life dishes out. One can be happy whether one is rich or poor, married or single, old or young, healthy or frail. People who appear to have everything going for them can be miserable; people who appear to have nothing going for them can be happy. It’s internal to you. Feminism can’t make you happy - any more than anything else can.
MaryP | September 28th, 2007 at 9:11 am
I think part of the problem is in what we define as “having it all.” Too many times, we define success by what OTHER people think and as Florinda and MaryP point out, happiness isn’t found externally. That means, we can’t worry too much about what other people think. For example, my daughter is old enough (11) to care for her own clothes. She is in charge of folding them and putting them away, a task that is not beyond her years. Unfortunately she chooses, at times, to shove her clothes in her drawers without folding them. The result? She goes to school looking like she slept in her clothes. Does that reflect poorly on me? Maybe. But I don’t care if other moms think I”m a slacker. It is more important to me to teach my daughter to take responsibility for herself than for me to save face by ironing her clothes. Plus, as a business owner and mom, I just don’t have time!
So question: were you baking the banana bread because YOU wanted to or because you thought you should? Only do it if you really want to but then take responsibility for your decision. Sometimes we are our OWN worst enemy :-).
Julie Lenzer Kirk | September 28th, 2007 at 11:23 am
Julie - here’s the thing (and I’ve thought about this before) - I really want to make the banana bread. I want to be the kind of mom who does this. I also want to be a super successful entrepreneur. I really want these things - but at the same time, our social environment, other people, have an influence on how our own goals and priorities develop - so I can’t say 100% that the things I am striving to be are all 100% due to my own desire to do them. Outside influences mix in with my own priorities - and that’s what I think makes it tough.
Nataly | September 28th, 2007 at 11:28 am
Nataly - No doubt! I don’t think there is an easy answer. I “make banana bread” every once in a while still, and my daughters are 11 and 13. It is also important to me that we sit down and play cards as a family once a week and eat dinner together as many nights as possible (which lately is about 2-3). When I can’t get a card game going or dinner ends up being carry-out I try to just roll with the punches. I think it really does go back to the abandoning the perfectionism thing and just trying to enjoy the journey…and we’re all just trying to figure out what that means for ourselves!
Julie Lenzer Kirk | October 3rd, 2007 at 3:35 pm