The Work It, Mom! Blog
with Nataly
Hi, I am Nataly and I am the co-founder of Work It, Mom!
I write the daily Work It, Mom! Blog where I talk about issues affecting working moms, goings on in our Work It, Mom! community, new site features, updates,and contests. I also share my own juggle between work and family and love to see members jump in with comments. Come and visit often!
Nataly's profile on Work It, Mom!
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As you know, some Tuesdays are Guest Blogger Days here at the Work It, Mom! Blog. If you’d like to be a guest blogger, please email your post to nataly@workitmom.com, along with a one-sentence byline you’d like included. Please make your posts under 400 words and while the topic is up to you, it should be relevant and interesting to working moms.
Today’s guest blog post is from Kimberly.
I recently heard motherhood described as “the hardest job on the planet.” Not surprisingly, the person making this pronouncement is not, in fact a mother. I don’t think many mothers would agree with that statement. Motherhood is many things–it is hard, it can be a chore, and certainly involves a fair amount of work–but it is not a job.
It’s a product of the feminist movement, I think, this description of something as profound and bone deep as motherhood as a mere “job”. In an attempt to assign a real world value to the “soft” skills of women, we’ve gotten into the habit of using the language of business when we talk about parenting, and I think it’s given a false tenor to the conversation. Calling motherhood–or any form of parenthood, really–a job is to belittle the role, and the relationships that it implies.
I can see how the trend started–heck, I remember how the trend started, way back in the 70s when housewives suddenly became “domestic engineers.” Women were standing up and demanding respect for all that they do, demanding that all those things that had previously been ignored or unappreciated by society be acknowledged as the valuable contributions they are. And to do it, they appropriated the language of the dominant power structure, thus creating the utterly PC cliche of referring to motherhood as some sort of business model.
The problem with this particular trope is that it doesn’t empower the role of parent, it undermines it, reducing it from a life altering identity to a role that people with children play.
Jobs are not identity. They do not form the core of our being, nor do they inform every aspect of our lives and choices. A job is something you show up at. And then you leave. You put in the required amount of time, and then you get on with your real life. Motherhood, however, is your real life. It is a 24/7 proposition, an aspect of your life that never leaves you, no matter where you are or what you are doing. You don’t go on vacation from motherhood, or retire from it. When you’re a mother, there are no promotions, lateral transfers, and you don’t get quit. And that is because being a mother isn’t defined by what you do, being a mother defines who you are.
We need to find a new language to talk about the trials and triumphs of parenthood, one that acknowledges the complexities of this role in the lives of those who choose to take it on because so long as we continue to talk about motherhood as form of employment, we will continue to devalue those choices. We need to talk about motherhood and mothering not as a career, but as a core part of who we are. A complex, challenging part of our identities, made all the more so by the fact that we are not always in control of how we are shaped and what course our days will take as we navigate the push and pull between who we thought we’d be and who we really are, what society expects of us versus what we expect of it.
It’s a big job, but if we all work together I don’t think it’ll be that hard.
Kimberly is a writer, teacher, and solo mom to the 8 year old Diva Girl and 3 year old Zen Baby. You can find her at www.parentingwithoutalicense .com
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I agree that being a mother is part of our identity, but for me, what I do for a living is more than just a job, too…it is a passion that very much makes up part of my identity. Many people do probably have just a job - a way to make money - but many of us, especially women entrepreneurs, find our businesses as so much more.
I maintain that calling both entrepreneurship and parenting “the toughest job you’ll ever love” doesn’t necessarily devalue either role, especially when people who are both are the ones saying it (and I am both). There are a lot of parallels between business and parenting and we should embrace all that we are as a whole, integrated person. Some can call it a job, I call both parenting and my business a lifestyle choice, …to each his (or her) own!
Julie Lenzer Kirk | October 2nd, 2007 at 9:18 am
I agree. In fact, invariably when I was “just” an at-home mom, I’d have conversations like this”
Them: What do you do?
Me: I don’t have a job right now.
Them: But you have kids, right?
Me: Yeah, I have three.
Them: Well, THAT’S your job.
Most of the time I let it pass, knowing that they had good intentions, and were trying to give me props for being a mom, but a JOB is something you’re paid for.
Sheryl | October 2nd, 2007 at 9:50 am
Nataly, a great piece of writing! Bravo!
I have to disagree with Julie Lenzer Kirk’s response. The reason that I disagree is because as a man, I have experienced the tremendous cost men have suffered in disconnecting from the family as a result of creating their identity as what they do to earn money. It is with sorrow that I read of women now making this same mistake. The family suffers from this misplaced idenitity.
The default setting of the human mind is not understanding context. For long as I can remember, I am now approaching age 65, not all, but most men have brought their job identities home and have failed in their personal relationships with the family.
The feminist movement has brought great freedom to men in this regard and it seems that younger generations of men are much more nuturing. The sad aspect is women who had it right from the start in relation to the family, are now repeating the mistakes men have made in the context of family.
Steve | October 2nd, 2007 at 11:13 am
I’m kind of with Julie on this one; I don’t feel that calling motherhood a “job” devalues it. I’ve frequently referred to parenting as “the most important job I’ll ever have,” mostly because it’s WORK. 24/7, no retirement, no vacation, on-the-job training, high risk, high reward, fun, challenging, engaging work.
Florinda | October 2nd, 2007 at 11:58 am
But “work” and “job” are not synonyms. They are in the same language family, to be sure, but they are not interchangeable concepts. Laundry is work, but unless you work at the local drycleaners, it’s not a job. Mary P’s job is to take care of children, but that doesn’t make her their mother.
I maintain a job–even one you love–is something that you can leave (or have taken from you.) It may very well form a huge part of your identity (mine does), but it’s a transitory one, eh? At some point, you will no longer be (insert career here). No matter the circumstances, however, you will ALWAYS be someone’s mother.
Kimberly | October 2nd, 2007 at 12:18 pm
I completely agree–motherhood is a calling and part of my identity, but whether I stay home or work, parenting is not my job. Becoming a parent is too much a part of our DNA.
Marketing Mommy | October 2nd, 2007 at 1:01 pm
As a solo SAHM with two “jobs”, I do agree with Kimberly. My mumness causes me to make my job fit around my children, my mumness is what makes me strive to earn the extra money that we need to survive. Yes I do still love my work/jobs but I wouldn’t be doing these particular things if it wasn’t for the fact that first and foremost I am a mum!
Kate | October 2nd, 2007 at 3:18 pm
Um…Steve? Thanks for the compliment, but I feel the need to point out that Nataly didn’t write that; I did. By all means compliment her for having the brilliance to snatch it up and post it, though
Kimberly | October 2nd, 2007 at 6:59 pm
Sorry for the error on my part Kimberly, I would like to read other insights you have written if a link is allowed to be posted.
I read the different view points posted here and am trying to find what are the possible mindsets that fuel the comments.
I would venture a guess that women whose youngest child is age seven or older would call being a Mom a job. While a woman who has their youngest child seven or younger would consider being a Mom an identity.
I am a sixty five year old divorced male, have two children, a single daughter age 37 in graduate school and a married son with no children. Don’t know what that has to do with anything, but thought this info would perhaps explain what you want it to mean.
Steve | October 3rd, 2007 at 12:21 am
Actually, I find the reverse, Steve. Oftentimes, it’s the first time mommies, embracing parenthood with the zeal of a newly reformed smoker, who insist that it’s a job. The more seasoned moms, comfortable in the role and the identity are usually the ones who don’t feel the need to define it like that.
I’m at http://www.parentingwithoutalicense.com
Kimberly | October 3rd, 2007 at 7:44 am
My thought pattern in how I arrived at my observation is seeing “first time mommies” wearing their babies as a badge (not meant in any negative way) and getting the feedback from others (Oh, how cute etc etc)
Also the willingness of grandma and grandpa (I know not all) to have the little darling at times and give lots of attention.
Then, boom, the age of independance emerges (usually between ages five to nine with the average being seven) and the cuteness wears off. (Don’t touch! and can’t you keep your kid in line?) Grandma and grandpa all of a sudden “have plans”.
Now, the work of parenting begins. This is now an effort on a different level and unbeknown to mommy, they are secretly working their way to becoming TEENAGERS. You know, the stupid years! Where they think they know it all and certainly think you know nothing. WHATEVER! (which generally last until the little darlings reach age 23)
Steve | October 3rd, 2007 at 9:32 am
Steve - I agree that when you let your identity-as-worker disconnect you with your family, it is a bad, bad thing. However, I have experienced just the opposite. By being self employed, my daughters see me (and we talk about this at the dinner table!) creating jobs for other people. They see me able to impact the lives of others in a positive way and THAT, to me, is powerful.
When I was going through the process of writing my book, I took the time and went into my daughter’s class several times to talk to the then-fifth-graders about the writing and editing process. When I went to back-to-school night the other day for her (now in 6th grade), her teacher stopped me to tell me how proud my daughter was that I was a published author.
I find my identity in using the gifts and talents that God has given me to make the world a better place, and that does not stop with raising my kids. It just so happens that I am fortunate enough that I am able to get paid doing what I love and THAT is the example I want my daughters to see.
So back to the topic at hand…I don’t think it really matters what you call it, it’s what you DO with it that matters! Thanks for facilitating the conversation, Kimberly!
Julie Lenzer Kirk | October 3rd, 2007 at 1:41 pm
I linked back to this post and discussion from my own blog, and this is how I worked it out there:
“Parent” is an identity
“Parenting,” the work of raising a child, is a job - or if you prefer, an occupation, a career, or even a vocation
I will always be Chris’ mother. I have been Chris’ mother for 23 years. But what I do in that role is much different now.
My perspective, anyway. It’s our different viewpoints that keep the conversation interesting.
Florinda | October 3rd, 2007 at 2:54 pm
I have read such great thoughtful posts here. Very stimulating reading for an old man.
I would like to gain insight into the thinking of those parents that disconnect from their children and allow them to “grow up on the streets”
I am thinking how wonderful it would be to have mothers and fathers who struggle with parenting find a web blog like this where caring and creative women can be found to respond and give such intelligent and loving responses.
But in reality they cannot.
We have a saying here in southern Louisiana that reads: When you are up to your ass in aligators, it is hard to remember you were sent in to drain the swamp.
Steve | October 3rd, 2007 at 6:54 pm
Wow, what a truly thoughtful blog. I think this was well stated.
This part of the article jumped out at me:
‘In an attempt to assign a real world value to the “soft†skills of women, we’ve gotten into the habit of using the language of business when we talk about parenting, and I think it’s given a false tenor to the conversation.’
I’m working on my own blog about women, family, business and ministry. I intend to include a link to this post. I would love to hear what other mothers think in response to this article.
Thank you for your insight.
Kendra | October 11th, 2007 at 12:42 pm
[...] came across this post - Guest Blog: <b>Motherhood</b> is a life, not a job - and thought it was worth sharing. I hope you find it interesting too and take the time to read [...]
maternity » Guest Blog: <b>Motherhood</b> is a life, not a job | October 13th, 2007 at 9:32 am
Well said.
Sandra | February 23rd, 2008 at 10:48 am
what transpired in a recent playgroup i attended is a forever attestation that motherhood is not synonymous to a job:
a bunch off mommies welcomed me with all them get to know you questions…
when asked “what’s your job?”, i answered “i used to be a nurse”.
when bombarded with “so you quit your job? you don’t work now? you’ve become just a housemom since…?…”, i was quick to say, “i’ve been one since the day my baby was born!”
…….
…….
i can quit my job;
i cannot quit being a mother!
therefore: motherhood is not a j-o-b!
motherhood is, like what the blog author said, a life… a devotion on its own — no 401ks or holidays off, with seeing your kids grow up to be sensible adults hopefully mirroring your loving parenting ways someday as your only perks.
mommy angel | April 25th, 2008 at 4:10 am