I think the real crime would be having more than one child because you feel you “ought to” rather than because you want to.

I totally agree with Lylah. I swore off having kids after my first, then something hit me. I wanted another child, first I was in denial and then I admitted to myself that, the reason I am taking those pregnancy tests after only being late a day is because I am secretly hoping that I am pregnant. So I had another kid. And it is really really hard. (although I shoulddn’t say that to Lylah, she has five). Now people tell me if I will have a third. NOOOOO.
My question is, is having a sibling really a benefit? Think about how many brothers and sisters that really don’t have a close relationship after they grow up and get married and have their own lives.

It is definitely no one’s business but your own, and people who question your decision or lecture you on their own views are way out of line. I will say, though, as the mother of two girls just two years apart in age, that I believe one of the reasons people go on and on about having more than one child is that for many of us the joy of watching our children interact with one another is so intense–and was so unimaginable before we had our second–that we feel the (inappropriate, of course) need to be zealots and try to convince everyone else in the world to experience that joy as well. Totally impolite and inappropriate, mind you. But truly–for me, the work of having two is extreme, but the extra love and joy brought into our family by our second child far, far outweighs it. There is NOTHING like watching my four-year-old and two-year-old hug each other, dance with each other, kiss each other’s “boo-boos”, or sit shoulder to shoulder “reading” books. They are each other’s best friend and it’s a dynamic I never could have appreciated before having baby #2.

Bottom line, though, is ALWAYS that it’s no one’s business but your own! For all those rude people know, you may have medical or financial constraints that make further child-bearing impossible; and even if you didn’t, it’s none of their business.

Well for the record - I’d be happy to network with you and I won’t question your choice in how many children to have! We have one, by choice and have addressed the posibility of having more so I am 95% reasonable to say we will never have another.
I am the youngest of 4, we all live within 1 hour’s drive of each other and have large families - parents each the youngest of 5. I love my family, as does my hussband who only has 1 sister in the country, with whom he does not speak. My siblings are important to me and I’ve made sure that our son has a lot of opportunity to form a close relationship with his cousins, for lack of siblings. Ironically though if you say anything to my son about brothers or sisters he will reply I DO have them, and proceed to tell you . . .a sister in france, a sister & brother in Brazil (now in Boston) and a brother in Germany.
We’ve been fortunate to be involved with the Rotary Youth Exchange program, each of the kids we’ve hosted some for only 2 months others for almost a year, well they ARE my son’s siblings. and I suspect always will be. Each has been back to visit, we exchange emails, birthday cards , chiristmas gifts, etc.
Is my son scarred for being an only child - just the opposite in my opinon, he has so many opportunities and is loved by so many people - what does it matter?
Another route - very straight faced reply, are you having sex at least 5 times a week . . . well why not? It is just as personal a choice and question as MY choice to have children!

We’ve talked about this before, and this is an entirely personal decision that there should be no need to defend. That is, the number of children one has - assuming they were all wanted and by choice - should NOT have to be defended, whether it’s one child or six.

I think that Sunshine has a point about the “when” question. In some cases, it probably is idle conversation, and may keep coming up until you appear to be past the child-rearing years - or until your one child is old enough that people figure you wouldn’t want to start over again.

I eventually got to that last point. My only child turns 24 this week, and by the time he was in his teens (and I was still in my 30s then, BTW), most people assumed that he was “it.” I’d always been pretty sure he would be “it.”

I think that part of it is also that one-child families just aren’t the norm in this country, and many people just aren’t comfortable with what’s not the norm, so they try to push their viewpoints on others.

I think that if one is comfortable and secure enough with one’s decision - always easier said than done - it helps one shrug off a sense of being judged or pressured.

Still, as everyone else has noted, it comes down to what’s right for you and your family, and it’s really no one else’s business.

There are certain personal things in every mom’s life that people feel not just the right, but the responsibility, to question you about. They include:

-When (not if) you’re getting married
-When (not if) you’re having a kid
-When you’re due (and if you’re excited/ready for it)
-Are you breastfeeding?
-Are you going back to work?
-If you’re going back to work, who’s going to care for your child?!
-When (not if) you’re having another one!

I’m sure the list goes on, but this is my personal list so far. It gets OLD.

Okay, I admit, I ask my cousins *if* (not *when*, but if doesn’t really concern me, either) they’re planning on (more) children. So far, three of them have kids and one of them is pregnant again with her second child (the sixth great-grandchild for my grandma). I ask, because those cousins are really much older (mid- to late 30s) than my sisters and I (early to mid 20s) and we don’t have much to talk about and the kids are just so cute.

It’s weird though - my younger sister asked our oldest cousin not even 3 years ago (our cousin must have been 36 or 37 then) if she planned on having children and my sister told me that our cousin completely broke down and cried and that her whole life was kind of falling apart then. She dumped her indecisive boyfriend of most of her adult life a bit later, found a new guy within a very short period of time, got pregnant just as quickly, they’re married now, their baby girl’s going to be 2 in January and I’ve never seen my cousin so happy. Of course, now she’s almost 40 and everybody in the family wants to know if and when another baby’s coming, but on the part of us younger and childless cousins it’s just curiosity, no judgment, we just want to have cute little babies to cuddle at family gatherings without the responsibilty of actually raising them. Just because we’re not yet ready to have some of our own doesn’t mean we don’t like them.
(I do realize though, that it must be very very annoying to have everybody pry into your personal decisions. I’m still at the “when are you going to move in together/get married?” stage with my boyfriend and that’s annoying enough…)

As the mom of one child (with no plans to have another), I’ve heard these comments so many times. There are no guarantees that if you have more than one child that the kids are going to get along.

My experience with my friends who are only children is that they tend to make friends easily and consider their friends as their extended family. My son at age three would go up to kids he didn’t know on the playground, introduce himself and ask them if they wanted to play. He’s had no problem making friends and I think it’s because he’s been forced to be more social.

We have an almost 3 year old daughter and am fairly certain she will be it. It’s hard, damn it! Though I strive to be the perfect working mom…have all my little ducks in a row, remain patient and well organized at all time, keep my sense of humor…and some time for myself and my husband, I do struggle. I know that there is a large part of us that is just selfish and recognize that we do want/need some time of us, but I’m also selfish in regard to the fact that I really just want time with her. Right now she is ridiculously fun and I want to enjoy that, not be distracted with a baby.

Yes, the decision is an individual one, and we are pretty happy as is. I like the way our family looks right now…

We get this question frequently. My husband and I have one child together and he is 7. My husband also has a 15-year-old son that is only with us in the summers (and it is awesome when he is.)

I get REALLY irritated when people tell us we are hurting our son by not giving him a sibling. When I remind them that he DOES have a brother, I have even been told “well that does not count.” To which I reply, I believe God disagrees with you. That of course ends the prying and I go on with my day.

It is no body’s business but your significant other’s and yours. I had said I was never having children EVER. Then I met and fell in love with a fabulous man. It was actually when I realized that I wanted to have children with him that I knew I loved him!

All that being said, “One and I’m done, unless God has other plans” is my mantra. I don’t say it because I did not get along with my siblings. (I love them dearly.) I don’t say it b/c I’m “afraid.” I don’t say it b/c of all of the other goofy reasons that others ask. I say it b/c it is right for my family. I don’t feel ashamed for it, nor do I allow others to question me for it.

When I have nosy people that ask me those silly questions about our choice for number of children, I politely remind them that I do not pry into their personal choices and I’d prefer that they respect my choices. If I want their opinion, I’ll ask.

Everyone that chooses to have a big family or a small family has different things that they focus on. I did not say good or bad, but DIFFERENT. That is what makes this world so darn interesting!

When we talked about having kids, we both agreed on what we wanted our child to be able to have in life. (This conversation also included my step-son and not wanting him to feel left out!) As a mom, I want to be able to attend ALL of my son’s school functions, not have to choose between different ones. I want to be able to have a solid focus on his school work at home rather than trying to juggle a million things. I want to be able to frequent cuddle/special time just he and I. I did not want to feel guilty for not doing something for one of my children. And so on and so on.

Since my son is an “only” most of the time, we also made sure to have a strong focus on empathy, sharing, kindness, teamwork, etc. in our household. I did not want a spoiled only child. I don’t have one! Teachers and his friend’s parents give us great reports. We had to work harder to make situations for him to learn things vs it naturally occurring, but it works for us.

Bottom line, regardless of if you have 10 or 1, be comfortable with the decision you made and ignore the rest.

Children are not potato chips, you can have just one.

I think for the most part folks are just trying to make conversation and look for common ground. I don’t know why some are less concerned for privacy than others. How many children you have is between you and Hubby. We have three and are ready for more and get chastised regularly for attempting to have a large family “on purpose” especially “at our age” (hubby will be 40 in august). What do they care anyhow??

how funny - i just fielded this question three times today. My son is 2 and everyone wants to know when the next baby is coming along. my typical answer is ‘as soon as someone volunteers to pay for daycare’ which usually does the trick

people mean well, but man have they got this one wrong!

I am sick to death of this question. I have an amazing two year old, whom I love to death. He will be an only child because medically, I can not have anymore children and quite frankly, I do not want anymore. He’s all I need.

What is super infuriating is when people tell me that I have to give my child a sibling or he’ll end up strange/deranged. As if children with siblings don’t grow up to have issues. And don’t even get me started on the heir and the spare mentality…ugh.

People should learn to respect others decision about child-rearing. Plain and simple. Or at least keep their opinions out of my womb!

As an only child married to an only child with an 11 year old son who will be our only, I’ve heard all the judgments before. I even got the cold shoulder from my gynecologist once she realized I was done with childbearing. I became a less interesting patient.

We are fortunate to live in a prosperous country which gives us the ability to choose our family size. Too bad everyone can’t respect those choices!

Keep up the good work and don’t let the turkeys get you down. Onlies are great!

I just want to say how heartened I am by this great, thoughtful, non-judgmental discussion — and how much food for thought you guys have given me. I am wowed:)

Thank you for this discussion! We currently have a 4.5 yo DS who is so silly right now, I love him to death!! DH and I have been debating trying for another, and most days I find myself leaning toward the opinion that we are good with one. Since DS is starting kindergarten in the fall, the day care bills will only start to decrease, and he is very easy to travel with. He is a relatively easy going child, and doesn’t know if there is anything missing by being an only child, and what is wrong with enjoying alone time? Why chance it and rock our nicely sailing family boat?? And whose business is it anyway regarding what our decision is? The nerve of some people stuns me!

We have a 3-year-old daughter. I lost a 10-week pregnancy in March 2007 and then lost a son at 5 months due to a fatal birth defect in January 2008. I just turned 40. I am not sure I can ever face being pregnant again…people ask me regularly when we are having our next child. I have tried to deflect it, but now I say, “I may not be able to have another”. Then they feel terrible, as they should. It is NO ONE’s business how many children you choose to have. It is a shame that people think they have the right to ask or comment on your personal choice, and that they don’t stop and think before they speak.

I have a five-year-old who is mine, and want to adopt a second, but the adoption procedures and the policies of some of the agencies with respect to age has made it impossible and a foreign adoption is just too expensive.

That said, as much as my son wants a little brother or sister, I like being able to do a little bit more for him because I don’t have the expense of a second child. If I had two, it would be public school (which are perfectly fine where I am) and not the private Catholic school where he is now. Not to mention my daily schedule would be crazier.

I love kids, and would love a second child, but there are advantages to having only one.

I am SO interested in all your thoughts (potato chips–can I use that?). I recently was invited to blog by Psychology Today magazine on the topic of only children. The blog is called SINGLETONS and has and will talk about the concerns and issues of onlies and parents of onlies. A bit of what was mentioned in comments is in a blog or two already. But there’s lots more to say as we all know.

Here’s the link:
http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/singletons

I hope you’ll visit often and leave comments there, too. If there’s a specific topic or conern you would like me cover in a blog, let me know.

It is your perogative to only have one child. My original plan was to have only one child, but things changed. No one should dictate or be judgemental at the decision YOU have made. People should think before they pass judgement.

Oh my, did you ever hit a nerve here!
My thoughts? Whenever someone asks me “when” we’re having another child, I simply smile and ask them, ” Are you asking because you want to write me a check every month to support the cause?”
That usually shuts them up in a hurry!

Our son is turning 2 this month and the questions are pretty much relentless at this point about when we are having “the next one.” There isn’t going to be a next one. We had to go through 7 months of fertility treatment to have my son, I had a rough pregnancy and then we nearly lost him just before birth. My husband is a loving, patient and understanding man, but on the cusp of 40 he is saying “no” to more kids. And as a working mom watching some of my peers nearly lose their minds trying to cope with two kids, a job, a husband and a house, I am inclined to agree with him.

However, as Shama said, you cannot please the public. No matter what you are doing with your life, someone thinks you should be doing something else.

My husband grew up an only child and he is one of the most generous, sensitive people I have ever met. I have a sibling I never speak to because he is one of the most dysfunctional, selfish people I have ever met.We were never friends, even as children; our relationship as children consisted entirely of fighting, which sometimes escalated into serious physical injury. I have very, very few positive memories of my brother at all, and now the only reason I know where he is or what he is doing is because my mother tells me unsolicited. People who think that giving their child a sibling (or two) will ensure the child has friends and someone to rely on to make tough decisions as parents age is really making a LOT of assumptions about their future child’s innate personality and the dynamic between their children. My brother will never be of any use or help to me in caring for our parents as they age; I will be just as alone making those choices as my husband will be in dealing with his mother. I do have a wide circle of close friends who I rely on in times of trouble who probably will be there to help if I need them. My mother, who has 4 siblings, ended up pretty much caring for her aging parents by herself at the end of their lives, and her friends have been much more supportive of her than her siblings have been.

We are going to encourage our son to develop strong friendships, but also to be independent and free-spirited. He has a very strong personality, so I don’t know that he would be the type of person who would benefit from a sibling even if one came along.

At any rate, you cannot win this battle with people who have figured out the perfect way for you to live your life for you. My husband’s response to the people who exhort us to have more children is “we got it right the first time and don’t need any do-overs.” Not terribly polite, but usually shuts people up.

I ask for the same reason I ask any other question, curious and like to find a commonality.
I may have a little bit of prejudice because my mom always wanted a second and couldn’t have another and was really upset about it. But the thing that lingers with me is the terrible terrible divorce that my parents went through. I am the only one who knows what it was like. I am also the only one who can take care of my mother now. The burden falls directly on me to care for her when she can’t. Siblings are not always close, and one could be estranged from the family, but it would have been nice to have the possibility.
I just had my second and it is such a joy to see my oldest interact with him. There are dynamics that I never experienced. I’m glad I’m able to at least witness it.

I think there are advantages and disadvantages to any number of children. The people I really feel for are couples who choose to have NO kids! You know they’re getting it with both barrels!

I can totally relate, and in fact, my current blog post on motherhoodlater.com is about this very subject. I invite people to read it and learn my story.

Our daughter is turning 3 next week, so we are getting the “when are you going to have another” questions ALL.THE.TIME. I am an only child, so I have always said that I would like to have 2 kids. But, here I am … a full time working mom, primary bread winner of our household … having only one kid is looking better and better. I am exhausted with the life I have now. I would prefer to have one child and give her a great life than have two and give them a mediocre life. I am not having the “urge” to have another … at least not yet.

Hi,

Sometimes you have to wait a bit and see what your only child is like. Watch his/her personality and find out if they’re the kind of child that “needs” a sibling or not. I am 46 years old and mother of one 12 year old. I can give you pro’s and con’s of both sides from my point of view, but my son can also give points of view from his side. His social personality likes to have someone, and he asks me about on a regular basis. I thought I was ok about the decision to have only 1 child, but my son is making me 2nd guess the decision. I am too old to have another child now. Anyway, my best advise is to watch your child, and see how their personality develops.

I say it’s all about how you feel about your decision. If you’re 100% comfortable with your ability to make your own decisions, other folks opinions will not affect you … literally. The fact is that their opinions have absolutely no weight in your life, so why bother having an emotional response to them? Some of them may not be judgemental, they just have their own set of opinions … which don’t apply to your life. I don’t think it’s personal. And this is coming from a mother of one. I get the same comments and for some reason they don’t phase me at all.

For the folks with less tact … the ones that believe that your business is their business … tell them to mind their business. That’ll fix it. LOL.

Ignore everyone else. Change the subject.

I think if you write a blog about it you are inviting people to get into your business. Now they will even more tell you what they think you should do. As to your OBGyn - you should def switch or give her a talk, that’s really none of her business.
As always, people cant just generalize everything; not all only kids are spoiled and rotten, and not all multiple siblings are well adjusted and non selfish.
I am an only child; the typical one BTW. I am inconsidered, dont know how to interact with people the right way, I am selfish, I am rude and if I dont get my way I will raise hell - growing up I was miserable; my single Mom was working full time and I stayed by myself from age 7. I had no one to play with, no one to talk to, and later one became EXTREMELY clingy towards my “best” friend. I got extremely jealous if she wanted to hang out with other people.That was at age 9 until TODAY. I am 27 now and I still dont like sharing my best friend. I have a 18 months old Toddler now, and my husband and I are planning number 2 as we speak. I will not let my daughter grow up to be like me; I am the prime example why people should have at least 2 kids.

I do not understand why everyone is so offended. I was an only child and am very happy with that, but I am not offended when people ask me if I have any siblings. It’s just people trying to make conversation. I can understand being annoyed or offended if they are pressuring you, but simply to ask? I am also a cancer survivor. I suppose I could be offended whenever anyone mentions what my plans are for the future, because I might not be here in another 5 years, but that’s ridiculous to get upset. Spend less time dwelling on how “offensive” all of these comments are and enjoy your child and your life!!

I am the mother of four girls, have one sibling, and am married to a man who was an only child. I will say that in my situation it is difficult for him to understand the natural sibling rivalry. The girls are pretty close in age and if you have been around kids at all, know that kids fight. He doesn’t understand the fighting, competitions, natural kid things that go on. It sometimes causes us problems. I don’t believe it was just because he was an only child, but there are many times that he seems very selfish. He always feels that all the attention should be on him and that he is getting neglect because I have so many kids to dote on. I know this is because not only is he an only child, he was and is mommas boy. The attention he got everyday, not including birthdays and Christmas, is unreal. I believe that if you have an only child that is fine, as long as you don’t raise them with the same attitude as my husband apparently was raised with. It actually is very hard to live with now because of the lack of attention he gets. The lack of understanding he has towards sibling interaction, and the lack of understanding he has towards my relationship with my brother. My brother and I are very close and he has gotten upset about the time we spent together. So while I can understand only having one, I do feel it is unfair for their lives later. However, I do believe it isn’t your choice, no it is not a crime, just be careful how they are treated because it can cause problems later on.

I am an only child. It is not a good idea. You have no one to share the pains of growing up with; being disciplined and handling the brunt of over-bearing parents. The child feels alone in all of it and will feel treated unfairly. In the end - what is most important? - your family. when mom and dad pass, whether close or not, the siblings will have each other. whether a mom wants to have one child or not - it is selfish if she decides to have one and not want another. it’s not for her, it’s for the child.

This topic has been weighing heavily on my mind this week. I have a daughter, she is 22 months. I think I have been asked at least twice this week when are we having a second baby?

Why is it everybody’s business? I am still in limbo as to if and when. I think I would like my daughter to be closer to three years old if I were to get pregnant and have the second.

But the point is that I am so happy with my daughter, she fills my heart with so much love. I would be so happy with just her. But theres always the doubt that I am being selfish, and that she needs a sibling. I am so close with my two sisters we talk every single day.

So would I do it for her or is it for me? Its has totally consumed my head this whole week. I wish I had an easy answer. I just don’t want to be so selfish and love my daughter all by herself and have regrets later.

All in all, I just wish people would stop asking. I never do that to anybody. Even closest friends. It is a personal decision I don’t know why everybody feels they need to weigh in on other families lives.

Thanks for hearing me out!

We receive the same pressure, so I totally understand.

I just disregard them, or I point out how we both need to keep working to continue with our lifestyle. I can balance that with one child, and feel like I’m not failing him too horribly. With two, I think I’d feel like I was failing them both in attention, by still having a career.

This is a personal decision, though, and everyone feels differently. This is just how I feel about it - for me.

As for why people have to share their opinions, it is human nature, and I just do the best I can to allow them their say.

Hi, I know it is hard at times…but just don’t mind those people that judges you.
I have 3 Lil ones ages 3, 4 & 5.
I have been looked at and people are just mean..rude! and would say things that wow, so you never stopped having babies..huh! what was that?
anyway, no matter how many you have 1, 3 or more…there are always people around us that can’t just mind there own business =)

If you think it is tough defending your only child decision, try telling people that you and your husband won’t be having any. We not only get shocked responses and lectures, very many people react as though we are not decent human beings. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard or overheard “What kind of people don’t want children?”

I think it is better to have just as many children as you think you can devote the time and resources toward raising, be it one, ten or zero.

as the mother of 7, yes, seven, I get a lot of annoying questions too, you have to do whats best for you and your family and don,t mind the silly people. there is nothing worse that having another child - just to please someone else. all children should be loved and wanted from the start. so my thoughts are have one or more, Its your choice! just love however many you have.

My son is an only child. He’s now 14 years old. He’s the sweetest, smartest, most well-adjusted child there ever was… and this is after I divorced his father when my son was 3. He’s never been at a loss for friends or extended family.

I was one of EIGHT kids, and my mother one of FIVE… neither of us had a happy childhood. I am close to only ONE of my siblings… out of EIGHT. The one that I am close to has SIX kids, and she is happy as can be. So in my opinion, it just goes to show that we each do what is right for us individually, and it works out in the end.

When my son was 6, he asked me for a brother. When he was 7, he thanked me (and still does to this day) for not giving him one. He loves being an only child and thrives on it. We have a great relationship, and he has great relationships with his father and step-father as well. The lack of siblings has not affected him in any negative way that we can see.

It’s nobody’s business but your own. Only you know what is right for you.

I don’t want children and I have to field the same questions and judgements everyday. I am so frustrated with society. When people ask my husband and I when we are going to start having kids and we respond never, they get this look on their face like we just shot their dog. children are not a requirement or a right. I believe as a society we have far to many un-wanted children just because of the preasure that is placed on couples to reproduce.

I could go on forever about this but I will keep it short

It’s not that it’s wrong to have one kid; and all that say otherwise have no right to comment about your choice.

But I do believe 1 is the hardest. Here’s my complete take on it.

1 is the hardest because you’re their sole source of entertainment.

2 is the easiest because they have someone to play with.

3 is like juggling balls; anyone can juggle 2 balls or 2 kid’s schedules, but it takes a lot of practice to juggle 3.

There is no difference between 3 and 8 kids. If you’re cooking for 5, you might as well cook for 10.

Notes:

A. Affording college for 4 to 8 kids does enter the equation.

B. I’m the father of 5 (in 6 years); and not Mormon or Catholic. Just love kids. All 5 are college grads (on my dime).

C. I’ve spoken to many moms of 5-8 kids, and they all confirm my 3-8 hypothesis.

Hope this all helps!

I understand your frustration, and I believe that you should have as many children as you can handle emotionally, physically, and financially. Some people can only handle one, and that’s perfectly ok. Some people can handle kids into the double digits, and that’s ok, too. (It’s equally as frustrating for them to hear things like, “Don’t you know when to quit?”) It’s YOUR family!!!! PERIOD!!! They can do what they like in their own families and what works for you may not work for them and vice versa. God made us all different, and that’s good - it alleviates boredom!

i know so many people that are only children and are wonderful people that had great childhoods (one is my husband, who grew up happy on a farm). i plan on only having one child for many reasons. it is absurd to me that people want to change my mind on this before i have even had ONE!

and you are so right, siblings don’t always get along. as long as kids have interaction with other kids, i dont feel that it matters whether or not they have siblings.

It never ends, does it?

If you don’t have kids, people ask you WHEN (not if) you’re going to have them.

If you have a kid, they ask you WHEN (again, not if) you’re going to have another.

If you don’t have kids, somehow you’re life will be horribly empty. If you only have one kid, somehow THEIR life will be horribly empty.

I say we all just get hammered on some Jack Daniels and go sailing or something because apparently no of us can get it right.

When someone offers advice on a topic that I did not request advice on I smile and say what is your pet peeve, mine is unsolicited advice? Of course, it is a bit rude, but I don’t say it unless I feel that are being cold. Example “wow, I really thought your looked better as a blonde”

I also have been known to use this trick, when someone asks me something I don’t want to answer, I smile and say “why do you ask or why do you want to know?” It will take them back and make them aware of the question they asked and generally they will change the question completely, it is fun to see people squirm.

I have a son with my husband who is almost 6. I also have 2 stepkids that live with us. A girl that is 17 and a boy that is 13. I have been in their lives since they were 9 and 5. They don’t call me mom even though I have primarily been the one raising them since there mom is not a very involved parent. I struggle with wanting another. I did not enjoy pregnancy or childbirth. We also do not have any family nearby so not having any help when he was a newborn was very hard. I am 32 and my husband is almost 40. He does not want anymore but has not done anything yet to make it final. Right now we could not afford another, especially since my stepkids mom does not help out financially. I want to be able to provide for our kids, and I think it would be selfish of me to have another child just because I want one. Maybe it would happen down the road, but then again, I am just starting to get some freedom back and don’t know if I would want to start all over. I guess I just don’t want to regret not having another one once i am past my childbearing years. I have received the same comments the rest of you have expressed, not to mention all the other comments and insecurities that come with being a stepmom! Aauugh! Anyways I am so glad I found this discussion and I am so glad I am not alone. Thank you so much for sharing your stories.

I THINK HAVING A FEW CHILDREN IS A BLESSING… ALL THOUGH I AGREE SOMEWHAT WITH THE ARTICLE, LIMITING YOUR CHILD TO GROW UP BY HIS OR HERSELF IS THE TRUE CRIME…SIBLINGS RE HEALTHY.. A CHILD NEEDS SOMEONE THEY CAN SEE EYE TO EYE TOO AND IF YOUR LUCKY, ITS MOST LIKELY THEIR BROTHER AND/OR SISTER… THERE’S NO ” OUGHT TO” WHEN IT COMES TO S FEW CHILDREN… WAKE UP AND STOP BEING SELFISH

[...] I have to admit that when I found out that she has five kids I thought, wow, how does she juggle being governor with being a mom of five? Does her husband stay home full time? Does she have a nanny? I was impressed and I was curious about the logistics she has in place to manage it all. (After all, I have a tough enough time juggling my work and being a mom to just one kiddo. [...]

I LOVED this article and reading all the comments! I have a 21 month old “only”, and have heard many comments about the negatives of having an only child. It is so hilarious to me how other people can “know” what is best for my family, and myself as a mother. It would never dawn on me to think about how many children people “should” have. If people would put the energy into their own lives, that they too often put into examining the lives of others, the world would be a far better place!

I just tell them my uterus is closed for business, they usually don’t want to proceed down that track after that…

I am a mum to a very active 16 month old boy. I have learned so much about myself, what I want from life and about my relationship with my husband in the last year and half. Before having my son, i was sure I wanted to have at least two kids. After a relatively fast and easy birth, my husband and I thought we could do this a few more times. But as our son is growing up and we realize how much work it takes to raise a child, we are not so sure. We want to be able to give our child a certain upbringing which we need time for. Our families think we are joking when we tell them we are happy with our one child and are not sure if we would want to have another one. I am annoyed at the guilt that is thrown our way..how we are made to feel selfish for wanting a life for ourselves while raising our child..Some go as fast as saying that we are selfish for wanting to deprive our child from having a sibling..we want to enjoy each other and spend time on our relationship..we want to be happy as a family and we also want to be happy as individuals.

I always wonder at people who think they know how many children is good for someone ELSE’S family!

I have 3 kids (wish I had 4 but am overextended as it is), but never thought to question any of my friends who have but one child.

That’s like saying, “excuse me, but do you realize you ought to be somebody else and live a totally different life than the one you are living now?”

For ten years we had an only child and we faced the same questions. Now that we have our second child people ask me if they have the same father.
The nosey questions will never end. Just live you life and be happy.

I am the mom of an only child who is now eighteen. For all you frustrated moms of singles, let me assure you that the older your child gets, the less people will ask you about having more!

I also agree with the mom who says that most people who ask about your plans for more kids are just running their mouths off. They will be happy with an “I don’t know.” If your kid wasn’t standing there in front of you, they would be talking about the weather.

We have one child and I haven’t been convicted of a felony! haha My husband is an only child and one of the most well-adjusted people I know. It’s a personal choice.

Just tell people you subscribe to China’s One Child policy. That shuts them up right away!

I have one adorable boy, and am able to focus on him and be the best mom I can be. He also sees me working in a career I love, and I feel I’m setting a good example for him as he grows into an adult. My husband stays home with him, so we have an “untraditional” home - which I hope becomes more of a trend in society.

Stick with one if that’s what is right for your family. It’s really no one’s business.

Natalie,

I am so sorry for the way you are being treated especially from professionals like your OB/GYN. Like you my husband and I are thinking we might just be done with 1 - a 3-year-old daughter. And while some people have been judgemental, many others have understood. My OB was much nicer and completely understood.

Perhaps it’s because we live in the city and most of our neighbors have the same space constraints and concerns about private school costs as we do.

And I, too question if my choice is correct. And right now I know it is what works for us - for many of the same reasons as your unpublished paragraph listed.

So stay strong and know that there are many of us out there and it truly is no one’s business but yours and your husband’s.

This is such a great forum. I am the mother of a fabulous 2.5 year old boy and both hubbie and I work full time. I love being a mom and every moment I spend with my son. I feel this experience has made me a better person and I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it., but I’m pretty sure my son will be an only. Thankfully, when asked about baby #2 and I respond that I happily have my hands full the conversation turns to talk about my son. On that topic, I can talk for days!

It’s wild how personal people can get with near strangers. I wonder what it is about our culture that so many feel so free to ask such questions. My husband and I were married for eight years before we ever started trying to have children. I think the pressure then was worse. I actually switched GYN’s because he gave me crap everytime about when I was going to have a baby even though I told him to stop asking me about it. I told my parents and in-laws we’ll let them know when/if we’re having kids and not to ask anymore. After that, things got better. So much so that the folks thought we were joking when we told them we were actually pregnant

We are all the product of our environment.

I was an only child due to medical reasons, and I hated it. I always wanted a large family. When I “inherited” 4 step-siblings at the age of 17, I knew that I wanted a large family. Now with 3 girls I *think* I’m done but who knows.

I do know I’ve sacrificed a lot to have my large family and to do it so young (I’m 28), and it will be a struggle to start my career properly at 30, but a large family was always more important than that. It’s just my Dad and me now, and I don’t ever want my kids to feel alone like I do.

I have a 10 weeks old and as the main breadwinner i am already back at work full time since 3 weeks, i would love to have another child, but i will wait for our financial situation to be better and once i don’t have to work so hard and earn so much, i will be stay at home mummy and have another baby

I was a very happy only child–only grandchild on both sides, even–as a kid. Then I grew up and my mom became terminally ill and my grandpa went senile and I had a baby and inherited my grandpa’s stranger-biting but sweet dog. My life has not been one emergency after another with nobody else to respond to them for many, many years, and I’m lucky my husband supported and joined me in endless caregiving. Between the incredible pressure of this and loneliness of seeing my whole family die out, I would never have 1 kid myself. If someone I am close to brings up the subject of having just 1 kid, I mention that.

When we were slightly wild teenagers, an also only’s parents told her that they dedicated their whole life to her and by making bad choices she was RUINING THEIR LIVES. This was my first inkling that I might not want to put all my eggs in one basket.

That said, I think it is INCREDIBLY rude when strangers tell me my toddler is cute, and by the way, I better have another one fast so she “doesn’t get get spoiled.” It’s personal and even close friends and family should not offer advice unsolicited.

I agree with your thoughts about having only one child. My husband and I have a daughter and there are days when she wants me to do nothing but play with her that I think, gee, it would sure be nice for her to have a sibling to play with. When my husband and I met it was never in our future to produce a litter of kids. If it happened, it happened, but if it didn’t that was OK too. I don’t find too many people pushing their opinions on me about only having one child. If they did they’d get an earful, something like, “Do you want to change it’s diapers and buy everything for it? I DON’T!” Go with what you want, not what other people think.

Thanks so much for all the postings, it really helped me, although, my decision has been made for me….. I found out that at 40 (just turning 40 in December, 2008) that I am in early menopause and chances of having another baby are very, very slim and really the only way would be egg donor. SO, I guess, I asked for a sign and that was it. I love my little man more than anything in this world and feel blessed to have had him and I am grateful……….

We have an “only” who is almost 6 now. Over the past year he asked for a sibling a few times, or more specifically, a baby. He was fascinated with them for a while. I got him a little doll that coos and that was good for him and now he has moved on to legos

I had an easy time getting pregnant and an easy pregnancy. The only hitch was a c-section because he was breech. We originally talked about 2 but once we had him we just felt right at 1. I don’t believe in having children unless you are sure you want them so we are at 1. I am 33 so there is time for mind-changing but I don’t see it happening.

I had a sister who had brain damage and died when I was 6. She had a birth defect and some severe health problems. I realize how easily a child can not be born “perfect” and how much that can take a toll on the family. I also believe my mother felt cheated out of opportunities because of having children (she had 3 in all) and I don’t want to end up there. She tells me they had me because they knew my sister might die so they wanted to make sure to have a boy and a girl - talk about trying to fit into the “norm” taken to the extreme! So while I feel happy with 1 just because it feels right, this history also plays into my decision.

The same judgment and questions have come my way because I am childfree by choice. I’ve heard it all including that I will change my mind. Never would someone suggest that to a pregnant woman. Never would you hear “Oh, kids are such a hassle. You’ll change your mind and have an abortion or put it up for adoption.”

Such a thing would be considered beyond rude, but no one seems to mind telling me that I will change my mind. I am 33 years old and I know my own mind. Judgment and questions are not appreciated.

Larissa,

You’re absolutely right! It’s your business what you decide to do in regards to children, the number, the age gap, etc. I don’t know why people feel like they have a say in other people’s decisions or that their opinions are welcomed.

You can never know the reason someone may not have children or may not have more than one. As was the case with you, a medical condition could be the reason and you may not want to discuss that with everyone in the world. Privacy should be respected, but unfortunately, it is not.

Thank You! I’ve been feeling exactly the same for a year now. Your description on this issue is just amazing. You put in words exactly what I’ve been going through!. A couple of hours ago I called my OB office to get an appointment to finally consult him on the fact of not wanting another child. Children are lovely, we adore our daughter, but the reality is that we don’t want another child, for plenty of reasons, that as you clearly said, are nobodies’ businesses! So, again, thank u!

Being a single mom I figured I’d never have to deal with this. People understood, surely, that with her father and I not together, having another one wasn’t a given. And that was true; for 5 years.

Maybe I’m finally starting to show that I’m leaving the child-bearing years. Those who figured I’d find someone else realize it isn’t happening. So maybe that is why I’m now hearing: don’t you WANT one more? won’t it be easier for her if she has a sibling?

I make a comfortable living so could probably adopt. I could foster. Having been through pregnancy essentially alone I don’t wish to do it again.

But for me, the kicker is I don’t feel able to care for two. My daughter has developmental issues that make it unlikely she’d care one way or the other about a sibling so I don’t feel “mean” for having her alone. And I don’t bring another child into the role in the shadow of a sister who’s therapies and interventions might get in the way of their normal childhood.

Am I mean? Selfish? Deluded? Will I devastated? Pining? The answer, to me, for all of those, is no. But if I am, I’ve not doubt many here are standing in line to say “I told you so” and how is that helpful to anyone?

Mich, I too have a child with developmental issues. He has made incredible progress (lost the diagnosis) with the help of some unconventional (but NOT over-the-top or wacko) therapies: gluten-free diet, Suzuki violin lessons (instead of auditory processing therapy–nearly the same thing, but he comes out with the ability to play the violin !), Tae Kwon Do (instead of PT/OT), and vitamin supplements (especially B12). I hope this helps, and sorry for hijacking away from the single-kid issue.

Hi Taximom thanks for your comment and yes I agree with your concern about some of the disturbing things going on in China (and elsewhere), I guess my comment might have souded flippant which is not how I feel about gender selection and didactic government policies. I only meant that I dont think the Chinese kids turn into a-holes - if you have witnessed otherwise then I’m sorry to hear that, but Im thinking it’s not the norm in my experience. Most adult ‘only children’ who I know are fantastic, including my best friend!

Also about China: I’m not American but in my country I notice a lot of Chinese migrants have 2 kids and one mum told me it was a factor in why they left China, so I do feel for them. So sad

My daughter is already popular with kids but I dont think friends are the same as siblings, it’s rather different isnt it

I totally agree!! I also have only one son who is 2 and all of a sudden everyone is asking me when we’re having the next one. With the economy in the toilet and the reality that my husband and I live in a place where the public schools are less that satisfactory (meaning we’re going to have to invest in private school), we’ve decided to put off plans to have a second child. The other reason is my health isn’t the best as of late. But that is neither here nor there. It shouldn’t matter what reason a couple decides to stop at one, it is no ones business to tell you otherwise. It might not be so wrong to have just one child these days when it is so hard to keep and maintain a job and household.

It is not a crime I’m an only child, well my parents got divorced when I was 2 and they got merried later on in live and had children, but I’m 16 years older so I feel like an only child, I have a 16 year old doughter and she is the only I have so do what you think is right for you

I have an only child and she is now 9 years old. My husband is very content having an only but for some reason I have been conflicted with the decision. When my daughter was born she had an underdeveloped esophagus, and severe Milk, Soy and Protein Intolerance. She screamed for the first 6 months of her life. Her medication and formula was $700 per month. Also, when she was 5 she was diagnosed with cancer, Leukemia and relapsed and had a stem cell transplant. I am happy and lucky to have her but would love to share our lives with another child. I wish I knew what was lacking in my life that I feel incomplete having an only. I think part of the reason is society pressure. We live in the mid west and most families have 3 or more.

Thanks for your cander in writing this blog. I’m home with my sick, 9 year old “only” and I stumbled upon it today. Even though the option of having another child is over, I still struggle that I put my feelings ahead of my daughter’s. I feel as if the societal message is clear: if you’re a “good” mom, you put your child’s/family’s needs above yours. When I decided to have just one child, I put my needs ahead. I had to be brutally honest with myself at 38. I felt one child was manageable. I married a terrific man but it was apparent he was no Mr. Mom during those early years. The responsibility felt squarely on my shoulders. I wanted the balance of family life and a work life and I knew I wasn’t a mini-van/soccer mom kind of person. I also felt blessed that my daughter was sweet, gentle, smart and acted in a reasonable way for a 2 year old. If I could have duplicated her, I would have likely had a second child. But at 38, I didn’t want to take the chance of having a cranky, needy, unreasonable second child. As for my daughter, I’ll feel bad forever that she’ll never experience a sibling relationship and I know she’ll always wonder what that would have been like. But I also know that she’s gotten the best version of a mom that I can be. I also know that some of my dearest relationships have been with people outside of my family. As my daughter ages, she benefits from my choice in a way that can never be measured. And as I age, I realize the beauty of being wise enough to tune out societal norms in order to make such an important, personal choice.

My daughters are 8 years apart. Why? Because after my oldest I was done. I never felt those pangs that my family was incomplete. I was perfectly happy with my one wonderful little girl. I heard all the same things you’ve heard, but I think you should take them with a grain of salt - If it’s right for you then that’s all that matters.

Daughter #2 was a complete suprise. I love her completely and utterly adore her, but I hope it doesn’t sound awful when I admit that if she wouldn’t have been a “suprise” I was not planning on having any more children.

Great article, and I couldn’t relate more. Loved the sentence about the second child bringing just enough chaos to force a mom to give up her perfectionistic planning tendencies.

I’m 32 and my daughter is 3, and though I grew up with a sister 2 years younger than me without whom my life would have been (speculatively speaking) much more plain and with whom - though she lives about 700 miles away - I maintain a close and loving relationship, I just never saw myself having more than one child. On the one hand, I’m “selfish” enough that I want my own genes propagated into the next generation, and thus I had a biological child, on the other, I worry a lot about the future of the world and middle-class as we know it, about overpopulation, about human suffering and similar issues, and it makes the prospect of bearing more children burdensome to say the least.

Like you, I’m not saying a determinate “never”, but nothing about my life indicates that I’m planning for a sibling to my daughter in any near future. And as someone who’s actually lived about half their life in a different country (and has left a good set of relatives and friends behind), I’ll just let you know that Americans are in comparison, kind, unpresumptious and unintrusive. Seeing me with my 2.5 yr. old this summer on the streets of my former homeland, everyone from the bus driver to the lady selling jam on the market to old friends and you-name-them-they’ve-said-it, spoke in nothing less than imperatives how only selfish or infertile couples dare have only one child and how it is a WOMAN’S PURPOSE in life to be a mother and have as many children as feasible.

With American population, which includes my partner’s (dare I differentiate him from a husband since we’re not married) family, I’ve gotten nothing close to so much as a hint that we should make more. That said, my partner comes from a family of 6 children and being 11 years older than me as expressed a desire for (at least one) more offspring in the near future, but is understanding about my resignations and doesn’t push me. It’s not as if I ever indicated to him that I wanted more than one child, and then backed out either. I just felt that with one child, I’ll have the best chance of giving her the best opportunities in life that I can. And besides, I’ve known a great number of only children who were actually more social and had more friends because they didn’t take peer relationships for granted but actually worked on nurturing them.

If my daughter comes one day and pleads with me to make her a big sister on the other hand, I may just cave in.