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Hi, I am Nataly and I am the co-founder of Work It, Mom!
I write the daily Work It, Mom! Blog where I talk about issues affecting working moms, goings on in our Work It, Mom! community, new site features, updates,and contests. I also share my own juggle between work and family and love to see members jump in with comments. Come and visit often!
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Guest post: My Journey to the nuthouse and back
Categories: Balancing Act, Entrepreneurship, Guest Blog
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Today’s guest post is written by Ally Loprete, an active Work It, Mom! member and founder of Ourmilkmoney.com, a directory of self-employed parents who offer products and services in your community. When I read about Ally’s experience I knew I wanted to provide a way for her to share it with you. I think every busy working mom I know can learn something from what Ally learned, whether you run your own business or not, work full-time or part time, in an office or at home. I invite you to share your reactions in the comments.
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Yes, I was there. I was horribly embarrassed at first, but I’ve now come to appreciate the experience as one of my most favorite journeys.
What brought me to the nuthouse was a breakdown resulting from extreme exhaustion. I’d simply forgotten to take care of myself. I had not slept since 2007. I had lost a pregnancy, I wasn’t eating, my son and my husband were being neglected, and there was no end in sight.
I certainly did not mean to end up in the hospital. I’d succeeded in launching Ourmilkmoney.com, become a leader to more than 2500 businesses nationwide, and the promise of our impending growth was exceptional. As a new mother, I was raising a very demanding 2 year old, running a household and teaching musical theater 2 nights a week. I’d put these things in motion and sent them spinning so fast that I was unable to keep up with the pace. I hadn’t learned to set limits or manage my time, so it makes perfect sense that every corner of my life was deteriorating.
In the hospital I did not have access to the Internet or digital communication which turned out to be the best medicine. This forced my life to slow down… something I had not been able to do by myself. I had no choice but to rest, heal, and create some new boundaries for myself so that this would never happen again.
Perhaps the biggest lesson I learned was the actual physical and mental damage I was doing to myself, my family, and my company –- three things I loved very much. I learned the importance of scheduling in the basics of living a healthy lifestyle: eating, sleeping and playing. The results were astounding. I gained control and became more productive. It seems so simple and yet when we run out of time these are the things we tend to skimp on the most.
Yes, I am grateful for my visit to the nuthouse. It woke me up. It taught me that without health and happiness, we simply cannot give to the things in our lives that we are ultimately living for.
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Ally,
My heart goes out to you, because I too learned that unless you take care of yourself, you can’t take care of others. On another board, I’ve read of too many women, all mothers, who devote their entire lives to their families, neglecting themselves and seeing only others. They are, without doubt, a disaster waiting to happen. Very often, they refuse help, saying that “I don’t matter. Only my family does. I’ll do for myself later.” Unfortuately, we as women have for eons put ourselves last and all others first, with unfortunate results.
I learned that if you don’t ask for help, a lot of people assume you can do it all and that you don’t need the help. I cannot count the times that I was told, “I don’t know how you do it. I couldn’t.” What they didn’t know was that I was struggling in quicksand, trying to keep up that “game face.” Sometimes I would mention that I needed help, and was ignored. It got to the point that I simply quit asking. It proved to be part of my downfall. Instead of asking, you need to demand.
Women too often think we have to put ourselves last. In fact, we have to learn to put ourselves first, particularly where our mental/physical/emotional health is concerned.
Please know you are not alone.
Jane | August 12th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
[...] Guest post: My Journey to the nuthouse and back [...]
Classic Shoes That Never Go Out of Style | The Shoe Box! | August 12th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Ally - thank you for sharing. I know I’ve come very close to the edge over the years and it’s taken alot for me to realize “it’s not always that serious”! It’s so true - women tend to take care of ourselves last, although we should take care of ourselves first so that we can continue to take care of those we love! Congratulations on your journey.
BlapherMJ | August 12th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Thank you for your comments!
I wrote this bog several months ago and I hope you’ll be happy to know that the journey continues in a very positive way. I still think back to that time as such a life changing event. I am still committed to my new schedule where I’ve worked in sleeping, eating and spending time with my family as mandatory tasks. I work about 60 hours less a week than I did (cutting down to 45 hours max) and somehow, although I don’t always feel as productive, business is booming just as well, if not better than before. Yes, this experience, scary at the time, is still awesome!!
A quick comment back to Jane- before I went to the hospital I was asking for help just like you said. I was drowning, and I wasn’t exactly being quiet about it- but I felt like my screams were being trapped behind a sound proof glass cage. Perhaps a part of me caused this to happen because I knew it was the only chance I had to get the help I’d been pleading for. This experience was no picnic for my family. It woke them all up. Since then, they learned to take me seriously when I am asking for help. We all learned a great deal from this experience- and sometimes it takes a great scare to bring everyone together. One of my favorite sayings is this: “You cannot have a rainbow without first having a storm.” Sometimes things need to get torn to shreds before you finally are able to rebuild.
Anyway, thanks for the comments. I hope that this will help others to know that they are not alone, and that supermoms like us need to pat each other on the back when we are unable to do it for ourselves.
Ally | August 13th, 2008 at 3:06 am
Wow! Just wow. Thanks for sharing this story.
You know, I know I’m supposed to take care of myself along with everything else and I KNOW I should make time for myself but why oh why do I have feelings of guilt when I do? It’s gotten better but the feeling that I constantly have to take care of everyone makes me almost yearn for a break in a serious place like a nuthouse. Crazy, I know, but I’m just saying. Nataly said to discuss!!
Thanks again for your perspective.
Mandy at Dandysound | August 13th, 2008 at 8:04 am
Ally,
Thank you for sharing your story. I think you are doing a great job. I need to take your advice and slow down. I am glad to hear you are doing better
Cathy | August 13th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Mandy,
Its funny when I came out of the hospital, I had so many friends say to me, ” You are so lucky!!” It was amazing how envious of me they were that I got a break. It was only 3 days- but I have to admit- it was like a great vacation. I didn’t have to cook or clean. My sheets were changed, and my food prepared exactly what I had ordered. I slept a lot, walked around in scrubs, did watercolors in the rec room, watched TV, journaled, and made friends with a bunch of nutty people (ha!). It really was like a vacation.
Ally | August 13th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Thank you for sharing, Ally. I know that your story will help other women to realize the signs before experiencing a complete breakdown. It is also a reminder to us all that sometimes you need to take a step back to go forward.
Sometimes we want so desperately to succeed in our businesses, careers, motherhood, etc. that we don’t realize that we NEED to step away sometimes. It gives us a needed break and mental clarity. This will only help us fulfill the many roles that we, as women, have.
Roxanne | August 13th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Ally,
I’m truly glad you shared this story. As your business partner, I know first hand the events that lead to your ‘nuthouse journey.’ Your passion and drive to help other families succeed ultimately led to you not taking care of yourself. By telling your experience, you have helped us all learn how balance in our lives leads to health and happiness. You are a great inspiration!
Kelli | August 13th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
This was a great story, and well written. Everyone can relate in some way- and I appreciate your honesty. It’s so refreshing.
Julie | August 13th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
I love this blog! It was like reading about me- except that I didn’t end up in the “nuthouse” LOL! I have had moments of sheer breakdown and it just feels like you can’t stop the pace. This piece really helped me to see how I can get control back into my life and to stop being such a victim to everyone who needs a piece of me. Know I know that no one will have me if I am not well rested and nourished. Yay for “ME” time!!
Emma | August 14th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Ally,
Like you, I kept telling those I loved that I felt like I was drowning and couldn’t catch my breath. For me, the period from 9/27/97 to 1/30/00 was a constant rollercoaster. The start date was my mother’s going into the hospital in cardiac arrest (she lived until 7/1/99) and end was when I had my own “wakeup” call when my hubby ended up driving me to the ER because I was having chest pains (a major stress attack, but a wakeup nonetheless). I dealt with both parents’ illnesses and subsequent deaths in that same period, in addition to dealing with home and work.
You likened the 3 days to a ‘vacation.’ In one sense, it was. For once, someone was taking care of YOU, not you taking care of everyone else.
Whether by nature or nuture, women learn to put themselves last and everyone else first. It’s hard for us to understand that if we DON’T take care of ourselves first, we can’t take care of business. Believe it or not, that’s one of the reasons I crave my “alone” time and am VERY protective of it. Hubby and daughter can’t understand that I have to be alone at times; just me and me alone. Whether I drive 2 hr to go to the beach or shut the door to our bedroom and turn on the DVD player and play old TV shows, I DON’T GIVE A RAT’S BEHIND. It’s MY time.
There have been sentiments expressed here about “guilt” of wanting time to yourself. I can tell you right now - you have NO REASON to feel guilty. Why do we, as women, have to always put ourselves last? Why should we even be expected to in the first place? The one thing I learned (too late, but I did learn it for future reference) as a long-distance caretaker, is that if you don’t take care of yourself, there’s no way in God’s kingdom that you’ll get thru what lies ahead.
Guilty for wanting time for yourselves? NEVER EVER AGAIN.
Jane | August 14th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Jane,
How right you are! Looking back, it wasn’ just my family who didn’t hear my very obvious cries for help… my friends were “over it” and sick of my “drama”. Finding any one to watch my 2 year old for an hour while I ran an errand was impossible and I was made to feel like a huge imposition. For those of us who do not have parents that live by, or older children as built in babysitters- it can be very difficult when there is not a support system in place. Unfortunatley, I had to learn ways of taking care if things on MY terms, because I couldn’t rely on others to be there. Now that I am strong and “rebuilt” and I feel empowered- it’s amazing how everyone wants to be a part of that. Moral- stay healthy and happy no matter what it takes!! Life is always better from that angle.
Ally | August 14th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
I really appreciate you taking the time to post something so personal like this story. I truly relate. I stay up each night until midnight or so listening for Sophia’s seizures and go to sleep only when I pass out. How messed-up is that? I can’t seem to let myself sleep and do feel guilty “not working” on all the stuff for the kids. My house IS a nuthouse
I did something that actually helped this last year and your story reminded me to do it again. I told myself that I mentally needed downtime and assigned myself 3 tv episodes a week that I *had* to watch. I was not allowed to record them, since I darn well know I wouldn’t allow myself to watch them or would make some excuse. So it’s like an Audra date. FYI, it’s with Grey’s Anatomy, Brothers and Sisters, and either Big Shots or Desperate Housewives
It really was great. As weird as it sounds, it was more tangible than concepts like, “take care of yourself.”
Thanks for the many ways you help other moms.
Audra | August 15th, 2008 at 12:54 am
Thanks for sharing your story. Life is a roller coaster ride and you’re heading back up now!
Hopefully smooth sailing from here on out.
Fantastic writing. Would love to see your story in a movie! What actress should play you . . . hummmmm . . .
Tami | August 17th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Ally,
When you shared this at the meeting with http://bizemoms.com, I could not help think how much I’ve done the same. I know my friends have been put on the back burner… and sometimes my family! Not a good place to be in….
Recently, I had a horrible virus on my PC. I was down for 3 days… my whole system crashed. Although in the AM it was really weird, I decided I would just clean the house, spend time with the kids, and actually relax for awhile!
Ironically, it was a blessing in disguise. I got things done I’ve been procrasting for weeks… had fun with the kids and actually realized how tired I really was. I finally went back to meditation and did some yoga that day just to ease my anxiety over not having a pc. What I learned during those t 3 days is how much I needed that relaxation!
Although i’m back online now, I have a BIG post it note on my PC saying “SUNDAY - NO PC!” It’s amazing how we forget ourselves and tell ourselves we can’t slow down. But when we do… we learn how much we need it.
My best wishes go out to you ally… thank you for sharing with all of us this touching story. i hope it’s a reminder for all of us… slowing down isn’t the end of the world… and if anything NEEDED!
Kimberly | August 19th, 2008 at 2:45 am
Haven’t we all been to the nuthouse, and back? As long as we don’t stay there! Thanks for sharing your experience.
Valerie | August 19th, 2008 at 8:57 am
Ally,
I know we have discussed this several times, but I still am so touched by this story. I actually believe that when people are faced with these situations, they are meant to show many people the light. For instance, although you are the one that actually had to go through the motions, there are tons of us who are learning the lesson from it. We were brought into your circle in hopes that it doesn’t happen to us. Nearly every time I feel overwhelmed, I think about Ally. It allows me to slow down, take a breath and regroup. So, Ally, thank you for your experience, and most of all thank you for having the courage to share it.
Lisa Lange | August 19th, 2008 at 9:25 am