The Work It, Mom! Blog
with Nataly
Hi, I am Nataly and I am the co-founder of Work It, Mom!
I write the daily Work It, Mom! Blog where I talk about issues affecting working moms, goings on in our Work It, Mom! community, new site features, updates,and contests. I also share my own juggle between work and family and love to see members jump in with comments. Come and visit often!
Nataly's profile on Work It, Mom!
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I love my husband very much. We’ve been married for seven years and have been together for twelve, having met back in college. We were an unlikely pair but when people meet us now they like to tell us how we fit together.
OK, now that the basics are out of the way…
In the car yesterday I heard a bit of the NPR interview with Diahann Caroll. The radio host must have asked her something about her personal life because just as I’d tuned in she said that while her career was great and she achieved a lot, she could have been much better as a wife. “I guess I needed my work a lot more than I needed a good marriage,” she said.
This struck me and stayed with me for most of the day. I work a lot. I’ve always worked a lot, but for the past year and a half I’ve worked A LOT and my work has taken up not only most of my time but also a huge part of my mental energy and what I think of as emotional capacity. Most of what’s been left I’ve devoted to being a mom to our daughter, which means that my marriage and my husband have been getting the short end of the stick for a while now. And while my husband knows (hopes?) that this is temporary and is a really patient and laid back guy by nature, I know that I am not being a very good wife.
My grandma likes to call and ask what I am making for dinner for my husband. She is old-school, you know, from the era where it’s the wife’s responsibility to work, take care of the kids, and make a nice meal for her husband when he gets home. She knows I work hard and she doesn’t mean anything by what she says other than what the heck is your poor husband going to eat when he gets home. Do I sometimes feel guilty for not making us dinner as I used to do much more often? Yes, however unfeminist it is of me, I do think taking care of each other — which I often used to do with cooking — is important in a marriage.
But while Ina Garten said once in her show that the reason she cooks for her husband is because if she didn’t he would find someone who does, I worry more about my emotional non-availability than things like cleaning up or cooking or not being able to continue our long-lived tradition of making something for each other’s birthday in addition to a regular present.
There are days when we don’t have a more than 2-minute logistics conversation (Are you taking our daughter to school tomorrow? Who is going to call the dentist? Is the lawn guy coming?) Many other conversations we do have happen over my laptop, which is semi-permanently attached to me these days. I think we even argue less because we simply don’t have the time or energy. I know my husband isn’t talking to me as much about his work and his “stuff” because he knows how much is going on in my head already. He is being kind and I am getting worried. Because in all this juggling, I know I do a great job in my work and a pretty good job as a mom, however much guilt I feel for not being there with my daughter more.
But I am pretty certain that I am not being a very good wife.
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I have married friends who used to both work as managers at Microsoft in Seattle; each had over 100 people working for them. I stayed over with them for a few days and saw what life was like. They tried hard to make sure that every evening, at least one of them was home at dinner time to be with the kids, but sometimes
the nanny was the only one there. They didn’t get much time together. The wife found her work very stressful, and the usually-overcast weather was very depressing to her. They stayed for a few years because he liked his job and they were doing well with Microsoft stock, but it was a huge strain on their relationship. Now they’ve moved away and have a much lower-key life, and they get to spend much more time together and with the kids. They said that if they had been there another year or two, they don’t know how they would have held it together.
I always see stories about “can you have it all?” regarding women (especially moms) with careers. I’ve always thought that was such an oversimplified question! It’s a bunch of constant tradeoffs, just like any life with many demands. There are only seven days in any week, and how to strike the right balance is different for everyone. I think the thing to keep in mind is that you don’t have to be perfect at everything, and that sometime in the future you’ll probably change the balance anyway so don’t think that the way things are now describes the rest of your whole life.
dlweinreb | September 27th, 2008 at 9:48 am
I am asking a question in the QA section, “In your opinion, what does it mean to be a “good wife”? Thanks in advance for your answers.
Vera Babayeva | September 27th, 2008 at 10:35 am
I hear ya. I`m not a good wife, either and there are days when I think I don`t even want to try . . . . it`s already so much work just dealing with running a business and raising kids! Unfortunately, I find that my husband and I tend to fight more than we actually sit down and talk!
Genesis | September 27th, 2008 at 11:27 am
I can relate to this too..I am always focusing on my daughter, my business and everything else.
Sometimes you really have to just STOP and think about what’s really important..if you don’t pay attention to your man at all, you may lose him eventually….
What’s helped me is to prioritize and make sure you include him in your plans..
Jess | September 27th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
I know that for us, we can be so busy taking care of everything and everyone else that it is easy to let “us” slide.
So, we have a scheduled “Date Night” every two weeks (which often involves errands, but still) and we go out for dinner without the kids. It is a great way to reconnect and enjoy each other’s company
Angella | September 27th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
its not fair to *yourself* to not unplug , stop and have time with your partner. even if it is just for a few minutes.
We all need to be held, to feel loved, to have a connection with our loved ones.
make whatever time you do have count.
(and the dishes can wait! even better, take-out and paper plates!)
MomsReality | September 27th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
I’ve been a single mom for 13 years to my now 16 and 13 year old daughters. Last year I was lucky enough to find Billy. Its been quite the adjustment learning to juggle my daughters, my law practice, and my future husband. But at 37 I see how lucky I am to have a strong pair of arms to crawl into after an exhausting day, a willing partner to deliver kids and pick up dinner, an d willing ear to listen to be gripe and vent. After doing it ALL alone for all these years I finally see that value of team work and partnership. I urge you to stop, take a DAY and spend with your husband or wife. Turn off the phone, the blackberry, find a babysitter, and leave the stress for a day to reconnect and appreciate your marriage. Do as often as you can. It will make you a happier woman which will make you a better mother. Good luck!
Jennifer | September 28th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Nataly - I’m so glad you wrote and posted this piece. The topic is something that has been flitting around the back of my mind for about a year and a half. 1 1/2 years ago, I decided to try to move from public accounting to academia. So, I worked 20 hours per week as a CPA consultant and began picking up adjunct courses (essentially, making my schedule full-time). Things started getting very busy for me and, as things fell out, my husband really got the short end of the stick.
Then, in January 08, he got an offer for a great federal job (to start over the summer). This necessitated 1) a move from Orlando to West Palm Beach just after the end of my school year, and 2) my formally getting a full-time job to make up for the loss of revenue for his going government. I was lucky to find a full-time academic position. Unfortunately, I have six new couse preps for the year. This is a ton of work (which will pay off next year, when I teach these courses over again).
I find solace in the fact that the current crisis was precipitated by my husband’s career choices. Also, my classes are at night or on Saturdays, so my schedule and his schedule enable one of us to be home with our child when he’s not in preschool
While I do cook (or have a dinner made ahead) ready just about every night, again, my husband is second-to-last on the totem pole (with me being last of course). However, he hasn’t exactly been killing himself either (I am still the primary caregiver, the babysitter finder, the social secretary and overall administrator).
Things will calm down by the middle of May when school gets out. I hope we can make it through then before having any big crises (so far, so good).
Mary | September 28th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Wow Jennifer, well said. Thanks.
Vera Babayeva | September 28th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
hmm i rarely make dinner (maybe a few nights a month) and hubby has kid duty every morning and evening until i get home from work.
This is just how it is and i have found that it really doesnt matter what anyone else’s idea of a ‘good wife’ is as long as you and your hubby are on the same page! you are in the marraige together and if he is on board and supports your efforts, then you are all good!
i do think it’s good to take a check every now and then and reassure each other that you are still on that same page and adjust as needed. Communication and setting expectations, like much in life, are key componants to happiness!
Hubby and i have learned to be very blunt about what we need vs. ‘nice to have’ from one another. might not be the most romantic, but we are happy
kate | September 28th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
I watched my husband ride off in a cab this morning and I feel like the worst wife on the planet. I know that he likes me but I am totally under-delivering in the intimacy department. Believe it or not he isn’t complaining exclusively about the lack of sex. He is looking for back rubs and hand holding and little kisses. How do we stay on top of our jobs and the house and the kids and our friends and maintain a romantic, physical relationship with our husband?
http://www.successinthesuburbs.com
Denise Burks | September 29th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Hmm. I think a truly “bad wife” would not even be aware of these issues going on, you know? Your awareness of your relationship shortfalls go a long way to preserving the marriage bond, I think. If your husband is a laid-back guy and you are showing him you are trying to make time for him, well, that counts for a lot.
But I agree it’s hard when you know you don’t have time for each other any more. We are not as busy as you, but there are parallels… we are together a lot but without much time for quality time.
Diane | September 29th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
I’m so glad you seem to have a good understanding of what makes a “good wife.” Cooking dinner and keeping house do not necessarily make a good wife.
My definition of a good spouse, in no particular order:
1. wants and tries to meet spouses needs
2. a team player
3. emotionally available
4. supportive
5. collaborative
6. clearly communicates in an honest, respectul manner
7. listens and processes in an honest, respectful manner
Hmmm. That’s a lot. I know I don’t meet all those criteria on any given day. But, hey, we’re each a work in progress.
I’m sure your husband understands that both lives and marriages have seasons when things balance more toward one or another aspect/person. As long as there is love, respect, and committment, things work out. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m sure a grown man can find some way to feed himself
Robyn | September 29th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I was just asking myself that very question last night after returning home from a weekend trip. My husband was so great and I was too tired to return the favor. Thankfully he is patient and understanding!
Tabitha @ http://www.fromsingletomarried.com
Tabitha | September 29th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
You need to find out what actions equal love in your husband’s eyes — it may not necessarily be cooking!
SoftwareMom | September 30th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
This is a questions for all working moms. Who beleives in everything being 50/50 in a relationship? Such as house cleaning, seeing when bills get paid,taking care of kids. I beleive in all this but don’t get this much it is a one way street so by the time I work all day then come home and take care of thongs around the house and kids,who has the time to be a good wife. ANy ideas?
Stephanie | September 30th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
Thongs around the house? Who is leaving their thongs around the house? That’s gross!
Robyn | October 2nd, 2008 at 10:44 am
Sorry for the type o …..it suppose to be things…yea that would be gross to leave thongs laying around the house,sure glad there are none in my home.
I’m sure you ladies all deal with this issue, why is taking care of kids ,house,and work a full time job on top of all this a one way street.I don’t think some men have the ability to muli-task like women can. Anyone have ideas ? Yes I have talked to the hubby about pulling his his weight I even make more then him and still can’t help out much..I’m going to second shift soon, so i’m sure everything going to be a reck around here.lol.
Stephanie | October 2nd, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Your priorities should be God, then husband and then children.
Your children will be more grounded if you put your husband first.
Debbie | October 3rd, 2008 at 1:01 am
How can you say put the husband before childern, dont childern learn from their parents? okay if they see daddy not doing anything they will think the same thing.so i’m not understanding what your trying to say.
stephanie | October 3rd, 2008 at 10:45 pm
I am saying that you have to keep your marriage alive. And that you and your husband should have a united front infront of the kids.
What do you mean about you husband doing nothing? Does he not do any thing with your children? Does he not have a job? Does he really not do anything?
Debbie | October 4th, 2008 at 9:23 am
Well I dont mean nothing,but it’s not 50/50 and probably never will be.YEs he works, so do I ,but i.m the one that comes home from work,cook,clean,take care of the kids while he comes home and parks his butt on the sofa.
stephanie | October 5th, 2008 at 12:33 am
I am vey aware of Stephanie’s feelings because I am dealing with a few of those pent up frustrations myself.
Working a full time job, being with the children( twin 1 1/2 year olds) before and after work, and doing litterally all of the cooking and cleaning while the husband sits and watches baseball/football/ news.
Everyone always says he’s a great man the way he plays with our children and holds a high paying steady job.
Are the standards today that low?.. Maybe.
I know he means well and works hard outside in construction but every person in a home should contribute to its upkeep.
I truly believe that 50/50 is a joke and that is really sad when I came into this relationship with rose colored glasses.
Superwoman | October 8th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
My husband doesn’t do much of the cooking or cleaning, but he does take care of the kids, the cars and the outside things that need to be done. We have almost 6 acres and he does math with the kids. Maybe if you sit down and talk about what you want hime to do or even ask him what he would like todo. My husband would like to be asked and then let him decide when it needs to be done.
Debbie | October 8th, 2008 at 4:12 pm