The Work It, Mom! Blog
with Nataly
Hi, I am Nataly and I am the co-founder of Work It, Mom!
I write the daily Work It, Mom! Blog where I talk about issues affecting working moms, goings on in our Work It, Mom! community, new site features, updates,and contests. I also share my own juggle between work and family and love to see members jump in with comments. Come and visit often!
Nataly's profile on Work It, Mom!
Last weekend we went to New York to hang out with our very good friends. Our daughters “met” when they were just a few months old (by “met” I mean that we, the moms, started talking to each other in the park because I was amazed how quietly her baby slept and she was amazed at how loud mine screamed in the stroller) and are great friends. It was a fun weekend of lots of food, wine, and talk, talk, talk, including lots of talk about whether or not we will have more kids.
If you’ve been reading this blog for a while you might be surprised that I am even mentioning this idea — my post about why it’s such a crime to have an only child is *still* the most popular post. I’m an only child and a happy one, and for a while now my husband and I were pretty certain that our kiddo will be our only.
So here we come to visit our friends in New York, who also just have one child, and the conversation quickly turns to whether we or they will have more.
“So”, says my friend, “I have to tell you something.”
“Are you pregnant?” I say, in half shock and half excitement.
“No, but we’re talking about it.”
And that kicked off an ongoing conversation we had through the weekend about having more kids. I don’t really want to get into all that now — perhaps in a later post, because I know you’re all just dying to know, right? — but it got me thinking about how and why people decide to have children in the first place.
In our case, it wasn’t a question — we were going to have kids, at least one. I’d never considered not having kids and before we had our daughter I didn’t know many couples who were choosing to not have children. (By some measures, the number of women who are choosing to not have children is increasing.) It’s just how we thought our life should flow, I guess — get married, have kids, etc. Absolutely boringly conventional but I’d never had another path in mind.
A friend told me recently that she had her son because she knew that having a child would make her happier. She said she felt that her life was lacking a child before she had him. I didn’t want to be an annoying meanie and point out that an overwhelming amount of research suggests that having children does not make you happy, but I did think about it. Did my husband and I have our daughter because we thought having a child would make us happier? To some degree, I think yes. And while I give due credit to the research and perhaps we’re not any more happier, we’re absolutely more fulfilled and our life is richer now that we’re parents (and of course, more stressful, anxious, exhausting and difficult, which goes without saying.)
So I am curious — why did you decide to have children? Is it something you always knew you’d want? Did you think having kids would make you happier/more fulfilled? Was there another reason?
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I always knew I wanted children. Maybe because I liked being a kid, maybe because I have such a fantastic mother. I have always been drawn to babies and kids in general, hence the teaching career I suppose. I was always envious of the bond that my friends had with their children and I was itching to have one myself. My husband and I conceived just a few months after our wedding. I was right on about the feeling because I absolutely LOVE being a mom and can’t wait to have more. I feel that having a child has given my life so much more meaning, AND put life into much better perspective for me. Perhaps that is why God gave me my daughter, to remind me of how absolutely wonderful and fragile life is, and to appreciate every moment I have with my family.
Sara | April 22nd, 2009 at 7:44 am
I’ve always had the yearning, since I was a young child. As another poster mentioned, I’ve always been drawn toward kids and babies. Did tons of babysitting, volunteering with kids, raised my kid brother and sister, and still couldn’t get enough. I generally forget adults’ names, but I’ll remember their kids’ full names, ages, birthdates, etc. I assume this is an inborn trait, at least in my case.
The other reason to have kids is to finally have a say-so over educational and childrearing policies. This is partly tongue-in-cheek, but the fact is that I’ve been planning the details of how I’ll teach my kids for decades. If I hadn’t had a chance to implement some of those plans, if I had to give all those kiddy books I bought to the Salvation Army, I might have become an unhappy old maid, who knows? Maybe not - I am pretty good at making the most of a situation - but I am glad I’ll never have to find out.
I really don’t think happiness can be measured in a scientific test, so I think it’s total bunk that parents are “proven” less happy than non-parents. I think there was bias in the study and ulterior, misguided motives behind publishing it. People should decide on children based on their own yearnings, needs, etc.
SKL | April 22nd, 2009 at 8:27 am
I got on this page through facebook.
I am really bothered by this questions, “scientist say having kids does not make us happy, then why do we have them?”
My very smart friend in High School once told me, “don’t chew it, either swallow it or spit it out.”
So if you want to have more kids, just go ahead and have them. If you don’t, then don’t. Period. What’s the point of over-analyzing and questioning. These “why” questions have been asked for years and gotten no answers.
why do people die young? why good things happen to bad people? why get married? why have kids? why I am sick? why did this happen to me? why, why why …Because that is how it was meant to be. I mean we can certainly analyze and come up with an explanation that makes us feel better. But to spend so much time over-analyzing? Is it worth it?
vera babayeva | April 22nd, 2009 at 10:18 am
Im having the great debate with myself. Why have a kid in the first place? Im trying to figure out if my reptilian brain is taking over. Because I know that kids are not easy nor do they make you happy. Its a chemical bond. We are animals and it makes sense.
I just cant figure out how people afford it. My mother says you find ways. Thats fine. But what kid needs a mother completely freaked out about money? Im also the breadwinner so Ill see it every now and then.
I have lots of nephews and nieces. I like kids, it seems, at about age 9 and on.
I just cant figure out why I want one. It makes no logical sense. Its stupid and I feel unevolved. People seem to be having them in droves. It just upsets me because I cant figure out how to swing it. No matter how many blogs I read they do not talk about the day to day costs. I cant even fathom the stress. Its just joked about.
gwendolyn | April 22nd, 2009 at 10:20 am
I know this is off topic, but I just have to respond to something Gwendolyn said. She can’t imagine how parents swing the costs. I can honestly say that I spend less money now that I have kids than I spent before; and I was accused of being Mother Teresa before. Here again, don’t listen to studies performed by people who have never actually tried to economize with kids.
That said, if you don’t “feel it,” I’d say don’t force it. Maybe it will come later in life (you may be meant to adopt an older child), maybe not at all. Who knows what is meant to be for each person? A childless friend of mine can’t imagine wanting to be a parent because she feels it would curtail all the good she can do for hundreds/thousands of kids and other needy folks.
SKL | April 22nd, 2009 at 10:43 am
I guess for me, I just never imagined my life without a child. I always loved babies, babysat a TON as a teenager, and felt that I could raise children better than the parents of the brats I was babysitting (who were always good and non-bratty for me) : - ) When my husband and I started to talk about marriage and children I wanted to have 4 kids. We agreed on 2. I was ready for a baby within months of getting married, but we waited a few years. When we brought her home, it felt like the most natural wonderful thing in the world. Even now, when she is so hyper and talkative and I’m frustrated because of all the things that need to get done and I know I’m being grumpy with her, she’ll tell me “Mommy, I love you with all my heart, your so nice” and I remember all the joy I get from being a mother even when life is so hectic I want to pull my hair out.
I’m ready for baby #2. Just because I yearn for one more, and I would like a sibling for my daughter, and because for me a family of 4 would perfect for us. My husband is fine with just our daughter because “children are expensive”. But money can’t fulfill me the way children do, and give that appreciation for life, growth and miracles that I get from seeing my happy beautiful daughter every day.
Erica | April 22nd, 2009 at 10:53 am
Before I had kids (two) no one who knew me, self included, really thought of me as the maternal type. I didn’t gravitate towards babies, didn’t like other people’s kids, was in no hurry to give up my well-guarded solo time.
I married a man who knew he wanted children, so to be fair to us both I did a little informal research before we went down that road. I talked to friends, my parents, and friends of my parents, and asked them all about raising children. I told them I wanted to hear the good and the bad. I also asked them to put their children in context of the rest of their lives. ALL of them, without exception, told me that raising children was the best thing they’d done with their lives. So far, I’d have to agree.
Parenthood isn’t for everyone any more than marriage is for everyone. But you don’t have to have the “mommy gene” to be a good one.
ColoMama | April 22nd, 2009 at 12:03 pm
I always thought I would have children “some day” but that some day kept moving outward. Then I met a man who wanted lots and lots of kids as soon as possible. Lots of strife and difficulties in our marriage because I was not ready. I can give you all the arguments for why it is not economically or logical to have children, but I believe that the decision to have children is entirely emotional, not logical. (JMHO!) So when I decided okay, now or never, we found out we had trouble. We now have twin daughters, who I adore. But I can imagine the road not taken, although I am dedicated to the path I have chosen.
spacegeek | April 22nd, 2009 at 1:58 pm
I agree with SKL that it’s been cheaper having a kid. I don’t buy as much for myself or the house, and I was lucky to get all toys/maternity clothes/baby clothes secondhand and to breastfeed. I know it won’t always be like this (college! weddings!) but for me, I don’t know what Hubby and I ever did before L.
I didn’t think having L would make me happier, but it did - instinctively and naturally. And I didn’t picture myself with a family until I met Hubby, and then it felt natural, and 100 percent wanted.
Colleen | April 22nd, 2009 at 3:07 pm
I think its just natural. All the women I’ve known have always made it work. I was raised by a single mama and was surrounded by other single mamas. I just saw how hard it was on them. I have my honey but things happen and you can end up raising your kid alone.
I think its a strength you find that you didnt think you had. Its just a matter of how to make it work at first.
I work with two old school bosses who believe a women should be at home with kids. So i have to take that into account as well.
Basically, my mother says if she had waited until she was completely financially secure I still wouldnt have been born.
Shes a funny lady.
gwendolyn | April 23rd, 2009 at 11:18 am
I knew I would be a mom - but was in denial until before I was just married at 29 - I didn’t like kids very much when I was in my 20s - See, in my neck of the woods growing up - my moms side of the fam were ambitious and the women were taught to GO after their dreams - BUY your own house and do as you wish - that you do NOT need a man to make you happy - That was only a welcome mat for me TO INDEPENDENCE! My dad taught this to us girls - My mom was NOT a traditional wife - she was a career mom with goals - had college degrees and rose in her organization - I saw high heels on her as a baby - as a girl an thought - I WANT TO BE LIKE THAT - So, I ensued with the whole ‘every woman’ pathway - awesome!
On my dad’s side of the family - my first cousins were getting pregnant at 14, 15, 16, on and on - WITHOUT husbands and the boyfriends would run off - they relied on the ’system ‘ to take care of them - it ruined them -
One of my special cousins, Lolita, became pregnant at 14 - we were the closest and jumped rope, giggled about boys and both of us were gonna marry Michael Jackson when we grew up - One day my mom told me that she was going to have a baby - Then she said, having babies without a husband and without an education can ruin your life.
So, she allowed my cousin to stay with us for 2 weeks AFTER the baby was born -
Two weeks from hell - to discourage me from doing the same -
I fell out of love with babies and having them during that time - UNTIL one year before my wedding and the thought of getting married was moving in -
On our 1st wedding anniversary, we both agreed we’d get pregnant and that we’d be exceptional parents - 10 years later, we were both right - now we have 2.
ISn’t it strange how early influences can gear us in one direction - then we end up going another direction?
It’s miraculous - but I thank both my parents for keeping me focused enough to pursue all my goals, education and career - so that I would one day appreciate, without distraction, all that I am blessed with today.
Amazing life!
mamannw | April 23rd, 2009 at 4:41 pm
I always loved babies…but never thought about it until I met my husband but it was just natural for me. Never thought how many, also never thought I’d have 4 but wouldn’t trade any of them. I always loved being a Mom and glad my Mom raised us to be frugal. Now I have 7 grandchildren and one more on the way.
eileenb | April 24th, 2009 at 7:14 am
Gwendolyn-
Regarding your statement: “Because I know that kids are not easy nor do they make you happy.”
Oh but the do make you happy! The moments of pure joy I have felt over the last 5 months at something my daughter does are amazing. I haven’t felt happiness like it maybe ever!
That being said, I admire people who know they don’t want kids and don’t fall to pressure of society to have them. Working in education I see far to many parents who aren’t that great at parenting or have no real concern for their kids and it makes me sad.
Sara | April 24th, 2009 at 11:35 am
Great topic Nataly. Truth be told, I love babies. I love holding them, feeding them, watching them sleep, strolling them for long walks. It’s just my thing. So it’s quite natural that I had three of them and loved every minute of their first year/toddler/pre-school years. Now that they are 12,10 and 6 I do wonder what on earth we were thinking. Now that they are real human beings with moods, opinions and great ability to be nasty to their mother, I’m entirely clear that these kids do not make me happy. Love them, have fun with them, feel pride in them, want them to succeed, blah, blah, blah but good lord, this job only gets harder. Thus, another reason why I love to work because it distracts me from how challenging being a mother is. I wouldn’t change a thing and really like having three kids which is way easier than having the 4,5 and 6 kids that many of our friends have. A touch of gratitude never hurts.
Megan | April 30th, 2009 at 7:51 am