The Work It, Mom! Blog
with Nataly
Hi, I am Nataly and I am the co-founder of Work It, Mom!
I write the daily Work It, Mom! Blog where I talk about issues affecting working moms, goings on in our Work It, Mom! community, new site features, updates,and contests. I also share my own juggle between work and family and love to see members jump in with comments. Come and visit often!
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(I have to say I feel a bit odd to be writing this post on the heels of the day when we celebrate moms — and one that I really enjoy! — but in many ways, I think it’s really fitting.)
A friend who is older than me but doesn’t have kids told me recently that she’s really sick of being judged for not having children. I asked her how she is being judged and she gave me an answer I didn’t quite expect. She told me that worse than snarky comments or raised eyebrows (the latter from her mother-in-law) is the general sense in our society that motherhood is this noble, amazing thing that all women should aspire to.
“I’m super-successful in my career, I am married to a great guy, I’m a decent daughter (most of the time), I’m honest, hard-working and I even volunteer at a soup kitchen several times a year… and yet I feel like the world thinks I am inadequate because I’m not a mother,” she said (I’m paraphrasing, but that was the gist.)
We had this conversation two days before Mother’s Day and I’m pretty sure she was feeling a bit more sensitive than usual because of all “mommy-ness” in the air. But while I’m a mom I think I really get how she feels. I’m pretty accomplished in my career, I have many interests, passions, and hobbies, I’m a devoted daughter and on most days, a pretty decent wife — and yet what I feel I get most respect for is being a mother. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE that. I find being a mom the most difficult and the most amazing thing, on a daily basis, and it is, by all measures, one of the greatest accomplishments of my life. But if I didn’t choose to become a mom I know I’d feel inadequate in some way, like I didn’t go for the one life accomplishment that really matters for me as a woman.
I needed some mindless distraction this morning and came across this mention of Sandra Bullock saying that she isn’t sure she wants kids. I never know with these entertainment magazines what’s true and what’s completely taken out of context, but if she did say that, I respect her. It’s a tough thing for a woman to say publicly.
Do you feel that our society idealizes motherhood, that we perceive it as the greatest accomplishment for women and that others — career success, etc. — just don’t measure up? Or do you think it’s the way it should be because becoming a mom is the ultimate realization of our identity as women?
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No, I don’t think society is telling women they have to be mothers in order to have worth. I believe women who think that way are defensive because they have something going on in their own minds.
But I will say that volunteering a few times a year in a soup kitchen is a far cry from being a mother (as if it needed to be said) and no, I do not admire a person who considers that to be the extent of her duty in doing for others. Many of us volunteer more than that in addition to extensive family and work duties. If you’re out there to have fun, fine, have a ball - but don’t expect a medal for it.
SKL | May 11th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Becoming a mother is just our lizard brain kicking in. Some dont have it kick in.
Its an exhausting job. Our society doesnt value mothers. Doesnt help them and puts all the blame on them. There is no logical reason to have a child. To bring one in this world is a huge challenge. Its a chemical reaction to have one. No one has a really good reason as to why. I understand it, I have that crazy urge to have a child. To be broke, exhausted and (hopefully) a deep love for a little human.
She just needs to blow people off and look at why it upsets her. People always want you to control you in some way. Especially mothers!
gwendolyn | May 11th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Do you feel that our society idealizes motherhood, that we perceive it as the greatest accomplishment for women and that others — career success, etc. — just don’t measure up?
In certain circles, YES. People are always saying, “Being a mother is the hardest, most important job you’ll ever do.” While I somewhat agree, I think it can be taken too far. “Mother” is not the only role I play, and the others are important too.
I definitely DO NOT think that “becoming a mom is the ultimate realization of our identity as women”! No way. The “ultimate realization of our identity” should be in how we dream, follow our dreams, and become all that we are meant to be. Including (or not) mothers, but not limited to motherhood in any way.
Some people elevate motherhood and almost worship it as the penultimate achievement of a woman. Barf. Women the world over accomplish AMAZING things that have nothing to do with being mothers. Why on earth would we minimize those accomplishments?
Additionally, I’ve seen far too many women define themselves soley by motherhood, investing their entire existence in the raising of their children at the expense of their own dreams and other relationships. Once the kids are grown and gone, they have no identity left and no marriage either. I don’t think that’s healthy at all.
I think a more healthy identity perspective is one that includes an integrated view of personality, mission, interests, and accomplishments. My sole mission in life is not motherhood. I have many, many other things that I feel called to do that are important as well.
Robyn | May 11th, 2009 at 10:39 am
After reading Robyn’s comment, I must agree that there are some circles where motherhood is spoken of as the hardest and most important job ever. These circles are usually of women who haven’t accomplished much else, and they feel defensive about that. I do not believe it is the general view of society.
And like Robyn said, “Barf!” I frankly get irritated by hearing about how haaaaaaaard it is to take care of one child and a job, or a few children as a SAHM, or whatever. Motherhood is a lot of work, yes, and there are moments that are very hard to accept, but it doesn’t require a lot of the preparation or sacrifices that are made for other callings. Almost any kind of woman can be (and has been) a mother.
When I’m introduced in company, I’m introduced as a lawyer, CPA, MBA, business partner, etc. The only time I’m introduced as a mom is when the purpose of the gathering relates to children, adoption, etc.
SKL | May 11th, 2009 at 10:58 am
I think society definitely idealizes motherhood. Look at Michelle Obama. She’s a very accomplished career woman, but what she gets the most attention for is her role as mother in her family and her wardrobe. Until women are seen as people first instead of mothers or not-mothers in society at large, we’ll never achieve equity in the workplace.
(PS, typo in the title)
MP | May 11th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
I don’t think society thinks being a mom is the biggest accomplishment a woman can achieve. Sometimes I feel like the opposite: I have a Ph.D. and am a psychologist, but since leaving that career for the time being in order to be a stay-at-home mom, I sometimes feel I’m known “only” as a mom, and that in certain circles that is not respected. Which is hard, because having done both, I firmly believe that mothering (especially all-day, every-day mothering) is way harder than most other jobs. Where else do you get no pay, no breaks, and little respect for being “on duty” 24/7? I personally think I should be respected a lot more for my 60 hours of back labor and surviving colic and breastfeeding infections and neonatal ER visits and toddler temper tantrums than for my career accomplishments, but I don’t think that’s generally the case out there in the “real world.”
Shannon | May 11th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
I think it’s pretty idealized. I don’t have kids of my own - though stepson lived with us during high school - and I’m very frequently told in re my career successes: “Oh ,well, it’s EASY for you since you don’t have kids.”
Um, yeah. If I say anything to the contrary, it’s because I’m “bitter.” Honestly, we should all respect each other’s choices - SAHM, work-for-pay-at-home moms, work outside the home moms, and (gasp) non-moms.
I read here because most of my friends are moms who work outside the home and I like to be able to contribute to their conversations. Love the site, and y’all, keep on respecting choices!
Grace | May 11th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
I think in some cases it is idealized but not in my case at work.
At my work, working mothers are not respected more I feel at all. Only when you are the sole breadwinner, it seems society still judges. There are quite a few people (mostly men) that don’t even look at me, much less speak to me at work since I’ve become a working mother. No respect whatsoever. That is not idealization in this case.
There is even judgement on how one has arranged child care, as if it’s anyone’s business! I am still in shock as to how in some ways, things have not changed much. I can’t even imagine what my own mother, who was a full time working mother, went through. The incredible lack of support and extra guilt.
On the other hand, there has been more respect given my way in public as a mother in many ways. More positive than negative, definitely. I enjoy it a lot, in fact.
SK | May 12th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
I think motherhood is completely idealized. Society gives the idea that you’re not complete unless you’re a mother, that you’re not a complete woman because you don’t have a child. Women don’t seem to get the recognition for the other aspects of their lives, for their other accomplishments. While being a mother is important, I don’t think it should define who you are and what you accomplish as a woman.
GiGi Soto | May 12th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
You know, I read this earlier today and thought about it for quite a while. I think that we do idealize motherhood as a society - but that we, ourselves, are largely to blame. We don’t identify ourselves as professionals, dreamers or achievers alone - so many working mothers make it a point to ensure that those around them are well aware of the fact that they do MORE than the average bear because they are mothers too…and to hear most of them tell it (in my own experiences), their husbands or significant others may as well not even exist for all that they don’t contribute.
Frankly, it drives me nuts. These women posit themselves for sainthood because they play multiple roles (powerful executive/lawyer/doctor by day, supermom and miracle household worker by night) - and then say to the world, “Don’t believe that motherhood is the end all of accomplishments.” I sometimes want to ask if it’s being a working mother, then, that’s the ultimate realization of our womanhood.
I know my answer and it is definitively no, but I can see where and why and how this glamorization has come to be.
Phe | May 12th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
I think the thing that I’ve faced more than anything else is that people just ASSUME that being a mother is all we are about. One often gets dismissed or overlooked in the workplace, since motherhood must be the foremost thing on every woman’s mind (as if there isn’t room for anything else in there). And for me, it does come first. But I hate when people assume that in the business world — without even getting to know me - or other working moms - a little better.
Stephanie | May 14th, 2009 at 10:43 am
NOTHING compares to it!!!!!!! ~ …in my opinion,,,
Joelle | May 14th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
I have to say I totally agree and relate to Shannon’s comments. I earned my MD, then circumstances surrounding our 2nd child’s birth caused me to become a SAHM, then a WAHM. I get a lot of disapproving looks when former classmates and colleagues find out I’m “just a mom” now. Those who don’t actually disapprove act as though I’m just biding my time at home as a mom until I can escape and get back to being a doctor.
There is little value given to being dedicated to my children, their education and everything else that goes with being a mom. My own family even says “but you have so much to offer.” I say “yes I do, and I’m offering it to MY children instead of strangers’ kids.”
Kristie | May 14th, 2009 at 12:55 pm