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with Nataly
Hi, I am Nataly and I am the co-founder of Work It, Mom!
I write the daily Work It, Mom! Blog where I talk about issues affecting working moms, goings on in our Work It, Mom! community, new site features, updates,and contests. I also share my own juggle between work and family and love to see members jump in with comments. Come and visit often!
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I should be either sleeping or running while I am writing this post because after the weekend we just spent with our very good friends visiting from New York I need to catch up on missed zzz’s and burn off the extra thousands of calories I consumed during our food feasts. I love those guys and our kiddos are best friends, but boy, do we always overdo it on the “talking til early morning while eating too much awesome food” front.”
I mentioned in an earlier post (hinted is more likely) that my husband and I are very lightly and casually talking about whether we’ll have a second child. Not sure you can talk about something that important lightly, but for now, we’re at that level, if that makes sense. These friends who were visiting are one of the very few other families we know with an only child and they recently told us they are “working” on number two. (I always chuckle at this concept of working on another kid.) And I realized this weekend that their decision is most definitely influencing how I think about ours, at least in some ways.
Maybe influencing is the wrong word, but I can’t think of a better one. Of course I realize that all people, families, and situations are different and we all make our own parenting decisions, including the size of our families. In the case of our friends, our personalities, backgrounds, and financial situations are pretty dramatically different. But we share some common “life” views, we do have a bunch in common in terms of how we parent our kids, the fact that both of us work and both of them work, and how we think about family size. So their decision to have a second child plays into how I think about ours. Kind of like, if they think they can manage it, maybe I should think harder about my hesitancy to believe that we can as well.
My husband, on the other hand, says that their change of mind about having an only child doesn’t influence his thinking in any way when it comes to our family. “Their life is just too different”, he told me, “we can’t compare our to theirs.”
So this got me very curious and I hope you’ll share your thoughts on this question: Do or did your friends influence how many kids you decided to have, in any way? Sound off in the comments!
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Absolutely not. Many of our older friends are “old school” - the bigger the family, the better. It’s what they came from and what they, themselves, have. But the idea of adding another child to our family is daunting, to say the least. Even my own mother recognizes that raising children today is so much more expensive than what she and my father experienced with the four of us.
Ultimately, it’s not our friends decisions because they aren’t the ones carrying the child and raising the child. We’re very happy with one and no matter what the friends think, one is our choice.
Phe | May 18th, 2009 at 6:04 am
Not really. I am a woman and I think like your husband - I have to remember why each family’s situation is different. We are having a baby, a sibling for our daughter, because we want her to have that close relationship in her life.
Colleen | May 18th, 2009 at 8:03 am
No. Everyone is different deep inside. It really has nothing to do with circumstances - money, etc. - and everything to do with how much room you have in your heart, and how flexible you can be mentally and emotionally. My friends are very different from me personality-wise - that’s why we complement each other so well.
SKL | May 18th, 2009 at 9:01 am
My friends don’t have any influence on how many kids I may or may not have. The only thing currently influencing that is the economy and the lack of paid maternity leave at my workplace. I love the syaing ” if you waited until you could afford kids, you’d never have them” and lived by that with my first one. Now I know that I must wait until I can afford the second. It would be unfair to my entire family to do otherwise.
So no, I don’t really let the fact that most of my friends are on their second or third influence my decision. I do feel a tad bit envious that they are in a place financially where they can have that many though!
Sara | May 18th, 2009 at 9:34 am
It’s complicated. My husband and I know we want to stop at our 2, BUT it seems like in our circle (especially my stay-at-home-mom, fellow-preschool-mom circle) in our small college town, 3 is the new 2. Every time I turn around someone else I now is pregnant with #3, and it definitely makes me think twice. That doesn’t mean I’m changing my/our decision, but it has made it harder for me to feel 100% calm in my choice to stop at 2. I think that’s simply because, if you see someone else who is similar to you in at least some ways who is extremely joyful and excited about having another, you can’t help but consider that you’d feel the same way if you had more too.
All of my CLOSE friends only have 2 (or even 1) so far, though. If best friends started having 3, it would be even harder, I would imagine–even though I do believe 2 is right for us.
Shannon | May 18th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
My husband and I were perfectly content with one child. We did get constant unsolicited feedback from so-called friends who would say things like, “you can’t have an only child,” or “you will never see such beauty as your two children playing together.” We did ultimately have another child (not planned, but wanted). I would not change anything about my two kids, but I still think having one is just fine (and much easier). It is a very personal decision that everyone seems to think they should have a hand in.
Liann | May 19th, 2009 at 11:32 am
The pressure is intense and there seems to be a backlash against having only one child. People make silly comments such as, “that would be selfish of you” or “only children are usually weird.” I wish I could say that I am above the comments but it sadly makes me wonder. The real question though is what motivates others to so adamantly campaigh against only children. Perhaps “she doth protest too much.”
Nicole | May 19th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
I think that we are influenced by our friends in so many ways. So it is only natural that the number of children we have would be affected by the number of children our friends have. I am not suggesting that we would have more or less children simply because of what our friends have chosen to do. But I think that the decisions in our lives (big and small) are often influenced by the people in our lives whom we value and respect.
When thinking about having a third child, there were a lot of variables to consider. We always thought we’d only have two children. And the vast majority of our friends only have two. We both work full-time. We are blessed with two healthy children. And our lives are completely nutty.
You should know that I am a thinker. I am thorough. I do my research. I am not what you would consider whimsical. At all.
So when it comes to a decision as big as this one, I had to tap into my peeps. I wanted to hear about how they are handling the number of kids they have, what made them have another or not have another, what are the pros and cons, etc.
I definitely think that what they’ve chosen to do (or not do) plays a part in how I think about my own family size. But with that being said and despite my very non-whimsical nature, no matter what my friends are doing or what they say, we’re going for it! I don’t think any research or horror stories (and we’ve heard many) or words of wisdom can change what we feel is right for us. In the end, the heart decides.
Melissa | May 21st, 2009 at 9:41 am
ha all my friends have either 1 kid, 0 kids, or 1 ‘in progress’ so right now … it’s all just family pressure! *phew*!
It’s funny though, i noticed in all my defensiveness about not having a 2nd right now… i realized i was trying to convince myself and was really just more annoyed that people weren’t letting our little family decide for ourselves. I felt like if i admitted we wanted another that it would turn into ‘when’ and ‘are you pregnant yet?’ questions which i so do not want to deal with right now! so i am hush and just blame the lack of #2 on finances…
Kate | May 21st, 2009 at 4:10 pm
My friends try…every single chance they get. But we’re not budging. My husband is very clear that one child is his limit and it won’t do the family any good if he’s not going to be able to cope with another child. Our son is now 7 and hopefully, people will stop pestering us soon.
I am an only child so I don’t know what my child is missing out on. My husband had a sister who passed away in a automobile accident when she was 32…so he’s kind of an only child too.
A Lost Writer | May 21st, 2009 at 11:03 pm
I would not say that my friends had an impact on how many kids I had. we had more than most of my friends and family So my answer would be no.
Trish | May 30th, 2009 at 11:07 pm