The Work It, Mom! Blog
with Nataly
Hi, I am Nataly and I am the co-founder of Work It, Mom!
I write the daily Work It, Mom! Blog where I talk about issues affecting working moms, goings on in our Work It, Mom! community, new site features, updates,and contests. I also share my own juggle between work and family and love to see members jump in with comments. Come and visit often!
Nataly's profile on Work It, Mom!
Until a few year
s ago we lived in New York City, where it was much more common (it seems to me, at least, this is by no means a well-researched statement) for moms who worked to have full-time nannies. We had a nanny for our daughter until she was three years old, when we moved to a suburb of Boston and she started going to daycare. Our daughter’s nanny took care of her Monday through Friday, 8:30am - 6pm, when one of us would get home from work (usually just in the nick of time, out of breath, and excited to see our kiddo!) Weekends were — and still very much are — all about the three of us hanging out together.
I remember going to a birthday party for one of our daughter’s friends, whom she’d met at the playground, and seeing a few kids who were brought there by their nannies. The party was on a Saturday afternoon and while I knew that their moms worked, I was pretty sure they didn’t work on the weekend. A similar thing happened at another birthday party a few months later and I then realized that weekend nannies were more common than I thought.
Every family makes their own decisions, but I have to just come out and say that I think unless the parents are working, it’s a bit odd for kids to be with a nanny on the weekend. I don’t mean a babysitter for a few hours so that the parents can go out or have time to run some errands. Friends of ours, both of whom had pretty intense jobs, eventually got a different babysitter from their full-time nanny to come for a few hours during the day on Sunday, because it gave them time to catch up on errands or go for a quick lunch-date together. I’m all for that and when my parents offer to take our daughter for a few hours on the weekend, you’ll never hear me say no. But a nanny who regularly comes during the weekend and takes the kids to birthday parties? I’m not quite digging that.
I read a blog post recently over at ParentDish about it being more common in the UK than in the US for nannies to accompany kids to birthday parties, along with one of the parents. Apparently they sit at the kids’ table (the nannies, that is), and take care of the kids while the parents (usually moms) get to enjoy themselves. I gotta tell you, my first reaction is one of envy. The last time I went with my daughter to a birthday party I ended up getting a horrific headache after running around with 20 four year-olds for an hour. But on second thought, as much as I sometimes dislike the endless kids’ birthday parties, which make our weekends more hectic than I’d really prefer them to be, I like going with my daughter. I realize that very soon she will get old enough for drop-off parties and I’m savoring the time we have to go to those high-energy-high-sugar fests together.
Where do you come out on the whole nannies bringing kids to birthday parties concept (assuming the party is not during the time when you work, of course)? Do you have weekend help?
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If you have enough money to pay a full time nanny why work in the first place?? It seems selfish to me. I have no choice but to work and put my daughter in daycare. I wish I could stay home with her, but we can’t afford it. I spend every extra minute I can with her and can’t imagine paying someone to watch her on the days when I am off. Oh and my weekend help is my husband
Sara | May 26th, 2009 at 7:28 am
Yikes! I don’t have any help, ever–let alone on weekends when my daughters have two parents available to spend time with them! I just can’t relate to people who don’t see their kids all day during the week and then choose to outsource parenting on the weekend. Do they not want to have children, actually, or what?
Shannon | May 26th, 2009 at 7:42 am
How about not judging other moms, huh?
We don’t know why the mom wasn’t at that particular birthday party. Maybe she’s a doctor and has rounds at the hospital every single day. Maybe she’s a dentist whose patients prefer Saturday appointments so they don’t have to take off work. Maybe she’s at a funeral or has another kid who wasn’t invited to the party. Maybe a hundred other things.
As far as having the nanny come in on the weekend versus a babysitter, why the heck not? If the nanny is willing, why bring in a relative stranger? That just makes no sense. I am surprised to hear that from someone who had a nanny for three years. Furthermore, what if it’s a live-in nanny, and what of the nanny begs to do it? My nanny begged me to let her take my kids to her relative’s birthday party because I could not fit it into my schedule. She would love to spend more time with my kids, but I am selfish with my family time and don’t allow it.
As for the foreign country, there is no way we can compare what we do to what they do. Do you even know whether these women have any other opportunities to socialize without their husbands listening to their every word? They think our culture is weird because we don’t treat kiddy birthdays as more formal social events. You can’t compare apples and oranges.
Personally, I love spending time with my kids, and my nanny makes it a lot easier for me to do that than typical day care. I am able to spend more time in the mornings and evenings, as well as through the work day, with my kids, because I don’t have to take them offsite for the day. In addition, I am able to control more aspects of their lives, such as healthy organic menus for the entire day, every detail of their curriculum, the style of potty training, discipline, hygiene, outdoor activities, etc., which would not be possible if I chose another type of day care. Hence my connection with my kids could be better than that of many moms who put their kids in day care. The idea that I choose to hire a nanny because I am too lazy to care for my own kids is just ridiculous. And I thought we on this site were trying to buck the judging trend.
SKL | May 26th, 2009 at 8:19 am
By the way, the comment “if you have enough money to pay a full time nanny, why work in the first place” is wrong on so many levels. For starters, the assumption that it’s the dad’s salary that is paying the nanny . . . ugh. Secondly, the idea that a mom isn’t allowed to want anything in her life other than child care. Thirdly, that children of moms who work are disadvantaged. Sigh. Finally, that you personally are exempt from judgment because you “don’t have a choice.” Everyone has a choice. Some of us are just more willing to own up to our choices.
SKL | May 26th, 2009 at 8:28 am
I appreciate your view SKL and apologize if I offended you. I would never intentionally want to misjudge anyone. Parentng is such a personal experience for everyone and therefore no situation is exaclty like another. Thank you for pointing that out. In my situation I really don’t have a choice for something beyond day care. I would love to be able to hire someone to come into my home and care for my child, and I guess the point that I was trying to make was that if I could afford to do that my husband or I could probably afford to stay home. It was heartbreaking for me to have to go back to work when my daughter was born. So believe me, I have had to own up to my “choices”.
Sara | May 26th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Sara, sorry I was harsh, but it gets under my skin when people assume I’m some kind of spoiled diva because I have a nanny. I am a single mom and I have chosen to hire a nanny instead of day care for in order to parent my kids better. I would love to spend less money on child care, but my children would have suffered if I’d put them in day care 3 months after their adoption placement. It’s complicated but the point is that it is about sacrifice, not selfishness. And I believe many other moms with nannies can say the same. Here on this site we have the opportunity to recognize the “nanny mom” stereotype for what it is.
SKL | May 26th, 2009 at 9:23 am
If we could have afforded a full-time nanny, I would have hired one in a heartbeat - for many of the reasons that SKL mentioned. But in Silicon Valley, nannies can make between $17-25/hr with benefits and vacations. We just could not afford it.
Lucky for us, we have family in the area that have always regularly helped, found a part-time day care provider that we love, and I’ve consistently worked from home to cover any schedule hiccups.
I’ve never been to a b-day party where there’s a nanny. I’ll admit it, I would have been slightly judgemental too (and more than a little jealous). But I found the next best thing: have daddy attend all the birthday parties. He’s stays and plays with the kids and I get a 2-hour break at a nearby coffee shop. Nowadays, I love birthday parties.
robynroark | May 26th, 2009 at 10:36 am
I’m with you on this one. Not enough of us have the time to go to birthdays, agreed. But we need to spend that quality time with our children. If the nanny is at the home all week, and then takes our precious children out on saturday… How many hours are we really getting with our child. Its also nice to be there to instill learning to our child… manners, sharing, and whatever other lessons can be taught at a party setting. If Im stuck at work, I would rather my child get to go and have that arranged, but if Im home I should be taking her to the party.
Vitality4all6 | May 26th, 2009 at 10:54 am
I’m with SKL. I’m not going to judge another’s choices. It’s not my place and I wouldn’t know the particulars of the situation, anyway.
Pat | May 26th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Just FYI - On my 40th birthday, my husband took me to New York City My son’s best friend’s birthday was on that weekend. My in-laws took my son to the party so he wouldn’t miss it. If my in-laws didn’t want to go, I had my babysitter lined up to take him. It was important to me that he didn’t miss the party becauase all of his friends were going to be there. As I said above, you just don’t know the particulars of a situation.
Pat | May 26th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
I have never heard of this concept, so this is quite new. I will say that as a knee jerk reaction, it concerns me–the idea of a “weekend nanny.” As a working parent, it is difficult to pull me away from my son during the weekend; i resent a great deal of “joint time” with other families because my husband and I want to spend time with him just the three of us as a family.
I think this saddens me because it seems to put parenting on a list–the proverbial grocery list of things to do–and the parent seems to have allocated his/her child on a list. I think that every situation is different, however, and while I never would approach a parent who used a weekend nanny, I would hope that this parent would seek balance by finding other special time with his/her child that was otherwise taken by chores. I know that I can get caught up in the dishes, the laundry, the shopping, and though it’s a pain, I always take my son along. It takes longer, and it usually frustrates me, but he loves coming and I love spending time. That’s the sacrifice I make, and hopefully such parents find the time to cherish their children amidst the business of having a career and being a Mommy/Daddy.
This balance is hard to find, however, and we would all be wise to withhold judgment when we see others at various stages of this journey of balance.
Michelle | May 26th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
My husband and I have 3 kids and we are proud host parents to our au pair. I have had many experiences in which people assume that my husband and I are very wealthy because we have live-in childcare. This just isn’t true. We weighed the pros, cons, and financial commitments of childcare, nannies, au pairs, and other options but hosting an au pair was the most financially sound decision for us – significantly less than a nanny or childcare for all three kids. I chose to go back to work because we wanted our family to be able to afford after-school activities like music lessons, sports practices, etc., in addition to being able to take nice vacations. Hosting an au pair amounts to roughly $7/hour and childcare in our area, for all three kids, was going to be over $100/day and a nanny would have been even more than that.
I do not at all believe that it is a selfish choice to have children and to have hired/hosted help. Besides the fact that our wonderful au pair is teaching our children all sorts of things about her culture and country, including how to speak her native language (French). Not to mention that she is such a part of our family we can’t imagine life without her.
Sometimes on weekends if my husband and I need to run to Ikea or have errands that we know the kids would complain about doing, we have our au pair on duty. Yes, weekends are a great time to spend all day with your kids. But parents are people too, and sometimes after a long week at work I’d prefer to do the grocery shopping in peace instead of having 3 kids trailing behind asking for this and that and “when are we going to be finish?”
As far as having our au pair take the kids places like birthday parties on the weekend, if she wants to I don’t mind. Most of the time our au pair is off-duty on the weekends so my husband and I would take them, but as our kids are old enough to be dropped off I really don’t think it makes a difference. If she’s going to take the car out for the day I wouldn’t feel weird about asking her to drop one of the kids off somewhere. If she doesn’t want to or doesn’t have time that’s fine but I see nothing wrong with having her just run one of the kids over to a friend’s house. Our kids could care less, as long as they get to friend’s it doesn’t matter to them who drives, especially since she’s like an older sister to the kids.
Shannon | May 26th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
One year in my son’s school there was a little boy (and two siblings) who had a “Morning Nanny” and a “Nights and Weekends Nanny”….and the Mother didn’t work!!!! So, I guess I’m judging….but really, it depends on what works in each family.
Maybe the parents have two other kids and had to go to two other activities…and birthday parties just weren’t their thing….trust me I’ve never set foot in Chuck E Cheese since my youngest turned 5. I’ve seen plenty of grandparents or aunts or cousins bringing kids to birthday parties because their parents were somewhere else…I guess a Nanny is about the same.
Karla E | May 26th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Also, I’m not sure I’ve ever been to a kid’s birthday party that I would consider “spending time with my child.” It’s usually some craziness at a loud place…not really my idea of quality (or even quantity) time. I do usually enjoy the adults at kid’s birthday parties….
Karla E | May 26th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
By the way, the ParentDish article talks about Dubai, not UK. Slight difference.
SKL | May 27th, 2009 at 7:18 am
One other thing–my comment above was based on Nataly’s comment that she was pretty sure the moms in question did not work on weekends. Obviously, I wouldn’t think anything of a parent using childcare on a weekend if he or she worked on weekends!
Shannon | May 27th, 2009 at 7:52 am
Yeah, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. If it’s what works for them, so be it.
Robyn | May 27th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Couple of thoughts -
1) I agree with the folks here who have pointed out that it’s hard to form an opinion on this one without all of the facts as to why the nanny was there.
2) I also agree with the idea that if you assume for the sake of argument that someone else was going to have to take the child to the party in place of the parent that there’s no big difference b/w having the nanny do it or using a temporary babysitter. (Great if you can get a relative, but that’s not always possible.) In my case, my daughter is VERY comfortable with our nanny b/c she spends M-F during the workdays with her, whereas she would HATE to be left with a babysitter.
3) Just my 2 cents on a related topic: I feel like I keep seeing in many online forums women defending their choices from judgment (whether that be the fact that they are a SAHM or a work-outside-the-home mome) by telling others that they have made this choice because they had to, for financial reasons. I am not doubting that that is the case for many people, and I have every sympathy for a working mom who would rather be home, or a SAHM who would rather be working, but in either case who feels like, based on their own family’s circumstances, that they cannot make the opposite choice at this time in their lives. That’s all fine, and I understand your need to defend what you’re doing with your life based on that rationale. HOWEVER, I just wanted to raise my hand proudly and say that I am one of the lucky few who actually DOES have more of a true choice in the matter, and that I don’t think that that should subject me to any more judgment for the choices that I have made. What I mean by this is: I make enough money at work to pay a nanny. My husband also makes enough money that if we really wanted to make it work, we could probably afford for me to quit my job and be a SAHM. So, I know that I am super fortunate to have the luxury of choosing what I think is best for me, my family, and of course, my child. In my case, for now at least, I have chosen to work outside the home and use a nanny. This system is working for us. Sure, there are many days that I wish I were at home rather than the office. But overall, I also know that I am happy with this choice and not ready yet to take on being a full time SAHM, which we can all acknowledge is a very hard job, too. I guess I just feel like sometimes when I read stuff online where everyone else is saying, “well, you see, what I am doing is okay because I really have no choice,” it makes me feel like some how my choice may be wrong in someone else’s eyes because it really was more of a true “choice” between options, ya know? So, to anyone else out there who can relate to this, I just want you to know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to do what you think is right for your family and not worry about what anyone else (looking in from the outside, not standing in your shoes) may think.
I hope that all didn’t come across as super defensive. Honestly, I think I’m blessed in that I’m just not super prone to mommy-guilt, and I want other women to free themselves from it! Please do not feel guilty for what you are doing so long as you are making reasoned decisions — the guilt is a wasted emotion, my friends!
Kate | May 27th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Kate, I’m right there with you. For most of my Mom life, I’ve CHOSEN to work, even though we probably could have made it on my husband’s salary. In fact we did for a couple off years, and I’m probably the only Mom in the universe who felt more guilt when I was a SAHM than when I was working….seriously, I don’t think I enjoyed one single day of staying at home…major guilt. And so working is what works for me and for my family. If any of you are worried, my kids are VERY well adjusted…make straight As in school, good behavior, lots of friends, play sports, very social…
Anyway, now I’m in another place because my husband lost his job last October, and we decided to let him start a new business. So now I’m the major breadwinner and our family is working well this way too.
Karla E | May 27th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
actually, watching parents with multiple kids in various ages and activities trying to run around and get everyone somewhere on time over the weekend - i can TOTATLLY see needing a nanny to keep up.
that said… eh to each their own! maybe they do work on the weekends and have a day during the week off? we never know what is going on in other peoples lives…
kate | May 27th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Yes, Kate. Why do so many women still think it’s selfish for a mother to “choose” to work? Even though I am single, we could live off my savings if I thought it was best for my kids not to have a working mom. But I don’t believe that’s what’s best for them. I’m proud to choose to work and engage help with my children.
I hear many moms say they feel badly about “having” to work. It’s all attitude. They choose to work and might as well feel good about the reasons why it’s the best choice for their families.
I also think guilty moms should ask themselves “why” they really don’t want to leave their kids with someone else. Do they really believe that children are better off spending 100% of their time with their mother? There’s no research backing that up. There’s plenty of evidence that employed moms bond just as well with their kids as SAHMs. Could it be that moms are jealous of the time others spend with their kids? I know I am. But my desire to be the one who experiences / takes credit for every cute or precocious action is not relevant to what’s best for my child.
SKL | May 27th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
I do not have a nanny, but if I did, I would treat them like family and expect them to treat my children the same way. I would want them to love my kids and my kids to love them back as if they were family. In this case, I think it would be very appropriate to have them attend a birthday party.
SavingQueen | May 28th, 2009 at 9:09 am
I am a Nanny and I dont work on weekends unless my bosses have a event or something that they can’t take twins to or they have a dtenight together. When Twins have birthday I am invited and I am totally off the clock I still help out though juts because if I see a parent and parent that needs a helping hand I offer. I remember at the twins forst bday one of the girls was extra whinny and tired I went and took her to take a short nap while mom handled other daughter and dealt with guests. I just did but they def didnt expect me to do it.
as a mother i take my daughter to every Bday party and their are times when I was in a house full of 20 3 yr olds that I kinda wished i had a nanny to be here instead of me but Im the MOM so thats my Job.
CoolNanny | May 28th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Sara - To further make the point about individual parenting choices, my husband stays at home because it was cheaper for us to do that than to put our daughter in daycare. We are in no position to be able to pay or house a nanny/au pair or to pay for the quality of day care that we would want but the fact that one of us “can” stay home with her doesn’t mean that somehow, we should be.
Phe | May 29th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
My DD was born early on a Sunday AM. My doctor was a working mom, and was in the hospital that Saturday. Obviously if her DD had a party she’d have to send a nanny if Dad (also a physician) was on call too.
But regardless of weekend nanny or no, what does this argument tell our own daughters? If we say households making enough for in-home care should have a parent at home instead, we’re telling our DDs that despite everything we’ve told them (e.g. “you can be whomever you want to be”), we don’t actually believe a word of it. To me, that is heartbreaking, we are the ones who are limiting our own children.
Mich | May 29th, 2009 at 12:37 pm