The Work It, Mom! Blog
with Nataly
Hi, I am Nataly and I am the co-founder of Work It, Mom!
I write the daily Work It, Mom! Blog where I talk about issues affecting working moms, goings on in our Work It, Mom! community, new site features, updates,and contests. I also share my own juggle between work and family and love to see members jump in with comments. Come and visit often!
Nataly's profile on Work It, Mom!
Buying into the quality (vs. quantity) of time with kids argument
Categories: Balancing Act, Parenting & Family
On an average weekday I spend between 2 to 3 hours with my daughter, before and after work. Of course, a lot of that time is occupied with doing a bunch of other stuff, like getting breakfast ready, packing lunch, organizing stuff for school, and so on. On some days, after she is in bed and I’m either back at work at my computer or getting some chores done around the house, I feel like we didn’t spend much time together at all.
To be honest, it’s one of the worst feelings for me, one that hurts even more than all the working mom guilt, which, I’m either getting used to or is getting less acute.
Today was a really tough day at work and I was so caught up in meetings that I missed my train and my husband and my daughter drove to pick me up. With the traffic on the way back, by the time we got home we only had twenty minutes or so before it was time for her to go to bed. But I noticed some soft bananas in the kitchen and asked my daughter if she wanted to help me make banana bread. With excitement, she ran to get my apron, which she wears when she helps me cook, and we were on our way — my getting the ingredients, her mixing them together, and my trying to contain the ensuing mess. After a lengthy discussion about whether or not we should put in some nuts (we did, chopped walnuts, if you’re wondering), we put the banana bread into the oven and started getting my daughter ready for bed.
And here’s the point of this story: I spent less time with my daughter tonight than on most nights and yet I feel like we actually spent time together. And I feel this way when we have an impromptu dance party in the living room (yes, not the ideal activity before bed), or play a game for half an hour or read a long book together. Would I like to have more time with my daughter during the week? Absolutely. But I’m totally buying into the quality vs. quantity argument. (Now I just have to get better about setting aside some mom-kiddo quality time every day, even when the world of work/errands/phone calls/emails seems to be out to get me.)
What about you? Have you found ways to spend some quality time with your kids during hectic days? Do you think that quality time can be a good (or better?) substitute for more time? Sound off in the comments!
Subscribe to blog via RSS
This is even hard for me sometime, and I’m an at-home mom. There is so much work that goes into managing a household on a full-time basis, that plenty of time when I’m with my girls, I’m also paying bills, cooking, baking, cleaning, making phone calls, doing laundry, organizing our social schedule, and doing preschool volunteer-work chores. I feel bad on those days too, when I feel like though I’ve been with them all day, I haven’t really “done much” WITH them. Then again, other days we go on picnics together, play at the park, go for walks, bake cookies, and do art projects, so I try to remind myself that I’m only human! We all do the best we can, and our kids know we love them!
Shannon | May 29th, 2009 at 7:36 am
I am there with you. Another thing that I feel conflicted is whether to have some one help with house cleaning. For almost 2 years since my second pregnancy, I had a lady come once a month for cleaning. I stopped her 3 months back thinking that it is a good exercise for me to do it myself and she anyway does not do a better job than me. Also I could use that money on other things! On the other hand if I had her do that, then I will have few more hours with my girls..
Lakshmi | May 29th, 2009 at 8:31 am
P.S. I was thinking more about this, Nataly, and I realized that what’s really hard for me about this issue is how fast these childhood years go, and how I don’t want to end up, years from now, looking back and thinking that my girls’ early-childhood years went by in the blink of an eye (which we all know they do!) and regretting that I spent so much time cleaning the bathrooms (substitute any verb in there: paying bills, working, cooking, ETC.!) instead of, say, looking at caterpillars with them in the backyard. You know? My oldest turns 5 in just a few days and I honestly cannot believe 5 years could have already passed. These years just go by so fast and there’s no going back to what I’ve missed when I’m too busy with other “priorities”! And yet, how do you balance those things? It’s hard.
Shannon | May 29th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Yes, I agree. There is a big difference between simply being in the same house as a person and actually being focused on that person. This is true for my relationship with my daughter as well as my relationship with m husband. I think it has to do with being intentional about actually focusing on the other person.
Robyn | May 29th, 2009 at 9:09 am
my mother worked 80 hour weeks as a waitress and or manager. it depended since she always had about 2 jobs.
she would get home around 2 am and wake me up. we would play dice games. these are some of my earliest memories. i would make yahtzee score cards (too poor to buy them) and my mama would make us this elaborate plate of fruit and vegetables to nibble on because i was part rabbit as a kid.
so yes. the quality matters the most. in my humble opinion anyways.
kids need to time to themselves anyways to develop their imaginations. plus, mamas for thousands of years have always been working while the kids played. we need to realize this. we have always been working mothers.
if anyone gives you any guilt just tell them to stuff it. mamas need to stop chiding each other and feel so freaking guilty about EVERYTHING. its usually the fathers of the world that have seemed to bale out on kids. i dont know why they dont get most of the crap thrown at them? guess its because we’re female and easier to blame.
gwendolyn | May 29th, 2009 at 10:28 am
gwendolyn - thanks for sharing this — somehow it almost brought me to tears to read that about you and your mom:)
Nataly | May 29th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Hmm. I agree the quality versus the quantity argument. But its really difficult to do one way or the other. I am working and similarly get only a couple of hours everynight with my daughter. There are times when i would start chopping vegetables, or clearning up the clutter when she is pulling my apron for some attentino. Every Friday night, i would decide, no when i am with her, it will be only her play time. and everything else can wait. Come Monday, i am back to my old self. Its only on weekends that i get to do both quantity and quality with her. Difficult but true for me.. and yes it hurts!
GNSD | May 29th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
I have struggled with this since my girl was 7 weeks old and I returned to my full time job. It was harder when she was an infant and really did better on a schedule, but now that she is three, I can be a little more flexible on her bed time. Often, after supper, I leave the dishes on the table and we spend time together doing something of her choosing. We try to do this at least three nights a week. She likes to ‘help me’ with chores, so we do this together, too. I am very careful about what I say ‘yes’ in regards to outside commitments. (ie-church, volunteering, and even work networking) I think about how much “extra” time outside of work the activity will require and often I just say ‘no.” Because like one of the other mom’s said, they are only little a short time.
Janna | May 29th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
I’m for quality time if there’s a choice. Often quality time with the kids can be both more fun and more satisfying for everyone - especially when it’s spontaneous. Makes for great memories too!
We’re all so busy that scheduled time with the family, especially during the work week, often runs amok. So… stick to making special plans on weekends.
My parent affirming mantra: I am a good mom, my kids are happy.
Joan Goldner | June 4th, 2009 at 9:07 am
I always think about my mother telling me how her mother would toss the kids out of the house to go “do something and be back by lunchtime.” She had stuff to do! Laundry, housework, cooking. I’ve heard that parents today actually spend more time focused on their kids than parents back then did. I think if you spend a little time each day really focused on them, that benefits them more than lots of time spent in their presence but “busy” with other things. My family plays a lot of games together in the evenings - which have the added benefit of reinforcing math and reading skills (without my son noticing). And its time we are spending together. We also eat dinner together as much as possible. I also agree with another person who said kids need to learn to “hang out” on their own. I think the person who really gets neglected in these equations is us and time we used to have for ourselves. But someday we’ll have it again - childhood goes way too fast.
Larisa | June 4th, 2009 at 9:14 am
I completely buy into this argument, Nataly, and I don’t really care if it’s true or if it’s just what makes me feel better. Honestly, I have no choice but to work–if one of us was going to quit and stay home it’d be my husband, since I make more $–and my son gets a lot out of preschool (he’s 3). Those times when I really stop everything and concentrate ON HIM–driving Matchbox cars around, making rice krispie treats together, just going to the local coffee shop and having a snack at a table together–feel so good, and he drinks them in just as much as I do. Thirty minutes doing something totall engaged is better than a whole day of just being at home (while checking e-mail, talkingon the phone, making meals, doing acouple of loads of laundry, etc). Stay at home moms have to do all that stuff while at home with the kids–it’s not non-stop attention all day long, nor should it be (kids NEED to know how to play alone)–and the ones I know who are at home lament that they don’t have much more time to play in an engaged way with their kids than I do. Not to mention, 30 minutes is about all an adult can TAKE of an activity like driving matchbox cars around on the rug. So if you can make that a goal–30 minutes a day of engaged activity–then I think you’re relaly doing your kid a favor (building his/her self-esteem, helping him/her feel valued and loved) and also doing YOURSELF a favor (it’s amazing how refreshing it is to be unplugged from society for 30 minutes and just PLAY). Thanks for this thought-proviking post!
momtrolfreak | June 4th, 2009 at 9:33 am
I completely agree with Gwendolyn, “kids need to time to themselves anyways to develop their imaginations. plus, mamas for thousands of years have always been working while the kids played. we need to realize this. we have always been working mothers.”
I’m not sure when childrearing became an almost competitive, all-encompassing endeavor, but I can’t help but think we’re making this much more complicated than it needs to be, then it’s been for hundreds of thousands of years.
Shakti | June 4th, 2009 at 9:55 am
No I do not by into quality time.. You have to be there when the kids need you not when you have the time.
Case in point… I have two children that if you are not there when they need you they are not going to talk about what is bothering them.
I have another child who doesn’t live at home anymore. If I am not on the phone with her for at least an hour she doesn’t open up to what is on her mind.
You cannot force a kids to talk to you only when you have the time.
Debbie | June 4th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
We stay at home moms do not do things all day with our kids, but the main difference is… when our kids want us for something “important” or
just need to talk.. we are there.
Some days may go by for what you call “quality time” but we are there for much more..
Debbie | June 4th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
I absolutely buy into it. What choice do have? I can’t give quantity so quality is going to have to work. I was home with my kids 3 months or more of the last year. I can honestly say that there were days we didn’t really connect. Now that feels bad–10 hours together but didn’t spend quality time.
Rachel | June 5th, 2009 at 5:56 am
I concur. I have two little boys and I have to remind myself that the oldest who is two will enjoy one on one fun time regardless of how long it lasts. So I have been trying to think of one activity a night for just he and I. So far so good:) I will keep checking your blog and thanks for posting.
Amanda Streight | June 17th, 2009 at 11:49 am