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with Nataly
Hi, I am Nataly and I am the co-founder of Work It, Mom!
I write the daily Work It, Mom! Blog where I talk about issues affecting working moms, goings on in our Work It, Mom! community, new site features, updates,and contests. I also share my own juggle between work and family and love to see members jump in with comments. Come and visit often!
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I recently had lunch with a friend whose daughter is a few months younger than ours. We got to talking about our last few weekends and she told me that the number of her daughter’s activities, birthday parties, and playdates that fill their weekends is overwhelming. “Before she was born we thought that she’d fit into our life but it turned out quite the opposite,” she told me.
I thought this was an interesting way to put it. My husband and I probably fall somewhere in the middle of the parenting spectrum. We definitely spend a fair amount of time taking our daughter to activities (I write this right after we got home from her ballet class), but we made a decision a while ago to have at least one afternoon every weekend where we have nothing planned, including playdates. We buy our share of educational games and I have a sign-up form for kids’ drama club sitting on my desk, but we’ve also thought it was really important to let our daughter just play and hang out. And because I really can’t stand playgrounds or children’s museums, we’re almost never there and I’ve stopped feeling guilty about it a long time ago.
A lot has been written about the overparenting tendencies that the current generation of parents seem to have. We work more than our mothers but we’re also spending more time with our kids — teaching, enriching, developing them to make sure they grow up to be wonderful, smart, talented teenagers who can get into a top college. I’m exaggerating, of course, but I know more than a few parents who would fit this description.
But is the overparenting trend on the decline? This weekend I read an article by Lisa Belkin in the New York Times Magazine that suggests this may be the case. She mentions several books that have recently come out on the subject of “slow” parenting and “idle” parenting, whose main message is for parents to chill out, live their lives, and let their kids be… kids. To use my friend’s words, parents should fit their kids into their lives instead of changing theirs to fit the kids’.
So I’m curious: What kind of parent are you and where do you fall on the overparenting scale? C’mon, tell the truth. Do you focus most of your attention (outside of work and other responsibilities, of course) on your kids or are you more chill about your parenting approach?
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A bit of both. I focus a lot on my kids, but a big part of that is getting them to the point where they can do “my stuff” with me.
SKL | May 31st, 2009 at 11:40 pm
so far my son is only almost 3 so he pretty much fits into our life. Not signed up for one activity that requires his presence! and i am savoring it! i am sure we will sign up for one or maybe (maybe) two things at a time in the near future. but i also think it’s important to just run around the back yard or play with toys letting imagination take over
also, i hate playgrounds too and tend to avoid! though i am a fan of museums and the zoo, so we plan to hit one of those some weekends through out the summer!
Kate | June 1st, 2009 at 8:48 am
I guess a little of both. We do way fewer formal activities than most friends of ours who have kids the same ages as ours, but we do sign our girls up for 1 class (typically) at a time (i.e. baby swim, toddler tumbling, etc.) and since they are young (2 and 4), those classes do require our presence/participation.
That said, we value our unscheduled/family time and do LOTS of free play, running around the backyard, going for walks around the block, walking to the playground (where the girls run free, so I actually love playgrounds, Nataly! It’s my rare time where they’re not asking me to play with them!), etc. I’m a firm believer in non-helicopter-parenting, but in reality I have found it’s hard to find a balance. I think we do pretty well though. I make my girls play together, on their own (without me) quite a bit at home. But at the same time, kids this age do need a fair amount of help with things, so I try to understand their developmental limits too.
Shannon | June 1st, 2009 at 9:24 am
We have a strange approach, I guess. Because Amelie is our only child and her father is a stay-at-home, naturally, the days are spent revolving around her. But, that may mean letting her play on her own (she loves this!) or “reading” to herself in her room, an activity she routinely engages in (she points at the pictures in her picture books and says the words that she knows out loud…to herself) while he, or we, watch from the sidelines.
We spend a lot of time together as a family outside, but again, it seems like we may sit and just keep an eye on her and the dog to make sure that no one does anything they shouldn’t.
At almost 14 months, she doesn’t have many play dates or extra activities, but it seems like she does more than a lot of kids her age. We spend every weekend going somewhere, doing something - the beach, the Public Gardens, the Boston Commons, wandering the city, visiting friends (ours).
So, I guess…you tell me? We’re always with her, talking and laughing or watching from the sidelines…but she’s off in her own world as much as we’re there with her - and we kind of like it just like this. She’s independent but social - a great combination.
Phe | June 1st, 2009 at 9:43 am
Sometimes I think that too many younger parents, and I’m 54 here so most of you all fit into that description, have overscheduled their kids to the point that they no longer know how to be a KID. Yes, I know that we all work, either outside or inside the home. BUT….how many kids know really how to be a kid? To play with kids in the neighborhood or to learn to occupy oneself and to use their imagination, instead of having someone else do it for them or lead them to it?
As wonderful as I think outings are, and we have tried to do them over the years, scheduling every waking moment, imho, robs the child of the very essense of learning how to just play. I will freely admit that mine spent WAY too much time on the computer and we had to unplug her at times and we also went thru that sullen, snitty, dark phase of sequestering herself in her room for hours on end, a dark cloud descending around her head each time she came down the stairs. In fact, getting her OUT of the house, and into the sun proved to be a formidble task at times. But we did. There were also times, we deliberately left her behind because of her attitude and we were determined NOT to allow her to ruin our outing. Then she’d get PO’d ’cause we had the audicity to go without her.
Tough tootty.
I digress….
When does a child get the time to just set and stare up at the stars or dip their toes in a pond? Are playdates and classes and other structured activies SO important that you forget the REAL reason for childhood? Or is the real reason that all that is for YOU, the parent, and not really for the child?
JD | June 1st, 2009 at 9:48 am
haha JD - are you my mother? i hear this ALL THE TIME and i will admit - it factors into my parenting. I have other family members with older kids who play multiple sports and have music lessons and after school activities and i just keep looking at them as an example of what i do not want to become!! I keep hearing what you have said (and my mother) and it does influence my decisions. well that and it seems my son really needs the down time to just putter and play by himself.
In addition to social skills, i also think it’s just really important to learn how to be comfortable alone and with your own thoughts - weather it’s in play or reading or coloring or whatever!
Kate | June 1st, 2009 at 2:29 pm
My son isn’t two yet so he is only in one activity, swimming - and this is more for survival purposes. I would like to get him into at least one more since we are in rainy season and can’t go to the playground in the afternoons when i pick him up. He is a crazy active child and doens’t like to be still for very long. When I have him in the house, he goes beserk and wants to go out. If we don’t get out within an hour of his waking from either the morning or after nap, he goes to the front door and cries while trying to open it. Right now we keep to family activities on the weekends such as the beach, museums, the pool, etc. Luckily, I have tons of energy so I don’t mind but my husband is less energetic than the two of us and has trouble keeping up. So, I guess my point is, I will have him in as many activities as he wants to be in - key word is “wants”. I would definitely like him to try many different things so he could get a feel of what his interests are and then go from there. I don’t think that I will have a happy kid otherwise. The bright side is, I couldn’t make him a couch potato if I tried.
Oceans Mom | June 1st, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Kate,
Nope, I’m not your mother, but I am very MUCH old school. Considering that I grew up in the coalfields of SW Va., we didn’t have much in the way of “play dates, museums, sports, etc.” We had to make do with what we had in scaling the mountains, making forts, etc, whatever we could dream up in our own minds. I’m an only, as is my daughter. Tho I will admit that I was a tad bit lonely for friends growning up, I was determined that my daughter would not be caught in what I was, so I made sure she was in daycare from the age of 4 months, and grew up socializing with other kids. Her “down time” away from that was when she got home.
I think one thing you have to remember is that you are NOT your child’s frined. You weren’t supposed to be. Your’re their mother. You are NOT their playmate, you are NOT a substitute for one. They should be able to play by themselves, to think for themselves by occupying themselves. Again, I’m old school. Sometimes I think that parents today not only overschedule, but overi-involve themselves in their kids’ lives to the point that the kids no longer can make a decision on their own. That’s what growing up is about - learning to make those decisions. Yes, we guide them; yes, we help them. But they have to learn to make them for themselves so they CAN grow up.
Ocean’s Mom made a very good comment - about letting the kid decide regarding activities… The only thing I would add is, to a point. We did that, and there were some things she wanted to do that, once we explored it, it was nixed because of cost or scheduling (we both worked). She had to understand that just because she wanted to do it, it might not be possible to arrange. That’s life, and that’s just the way it is, especially these days.
I just think that too many parents WAY overschedule their kids, not for the kids’ sake but for their own satisifaction and wants. Sorta like “lookie what my kid’s doing” kind of attitude. And THAT is more for the parent than it would EVER be for the child.
JD | June 2nd, 2009 at 8:11 am
Timely post.
A friend of mine told me yesterday, “We had 9 baseball games on Saturday, NINE!” She has 3 kids.
This weekend we got away with three other families for a camping weekend. The campfire discussion was the scheduling of our kids lives, competitiveness of sports at an early age, and the lack of family and free time. Each of us is a bit balanced in our approach to activities and point of view of keeping competitive spots at the middle/high school level and letting kids have fun early on. But, with all the pressure we asked, “If we don’t do what the other kids are doing, does that leave our kids at a disadvantage later?”
So, I don’t know that I see over parenting as slowing down. But, there certainly is a bit of a rebellion brewing, and it isn’t from the kids.
Michele | June 2nd, 2009 at 8:30 am
” But, with all the pressure we asked, “If we don’t do what the other kids are doing, does that leave our kids at a disadvantage later?”
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May I ask a simple question?
If the others marched to a cliff and fell off, would you do also because to NOT do so would put your child at a disadvantage later on?
It’s the old lemming approach. And what you’re doing is a pseudo kid pysche approach of “But MOM, everybody’s doing it………….”
My answer to that would be, “You’re NOT everybody.”
In essense, it’s the old “keep up with the Jones’”, only you’re the ones doing it to your children when it’s totally unnecessary.
JD | June 2nd, 2009 at 1:45 pm
I want to address a theme here to the effect that we put our kids in activities to address our own personal desires. I understand the thought, because I used to think that when I was younger.
I don’t know what motivates everyone else, but I put my daughters in stuff to shore up weaknesses. My older daughter has issues that, if left alone, would probably leave her struggling socially and confidence-wise, when she gets old enough for it to matter. Group day care would not have worked for her before these issues were dealt with. So I put her in a couple of “mom & me” classes where she had a lot of interest and aptitude, not because I want to post a sign about how superior she is (or how superior I am), but because I wanted her to have positive experiences with teachers and peers - because she needed this. Her sister was basically along for the ride. If a less-structured activity would have given my daughter what she needed, I’d have chosen that. The thing is, there is no one right mixture of activities for all kids.
SKL | June 2nd, 2009 at 2:49 pm
“I want to address a theme here to the effect that we put our kids in activities to address our own personal desires. I understand the thought, because I used to think that when I was younger.
I don’t know what motivates everyone else, but I put my daughters in stuff to shore up weaknesses… The thing is, there is no one right mixture of activities for all kids……………..”
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SKL,
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head as far, IMHO, as what’s appropriate. I put our daughter into dance class for grace and confidence. She stayed until she was 13 (couldn’t do ballet cause her ankles gave out), but then she went on to the Navy League Sea Cadets where she learned so much about herself and what she was truely capable of (2 weeks in the Ca. desert at Boot Camp teaches wonders )
We NEVER did multiples until the last couple of years and that was Fall Flag Guard, Winter Guard and work. Again, no more than 2 at a time. School had to come first. Each of her other activities, dance and Cadets, helped her build and learn thru Guard and work. So, yes, I totally understand what you’re talking about.
Unfortunately, some parents will carry it to the extreme and have the poor kids so scheduled that they don’t have time to breath and understand exactly what it does mean to just be a kid. Like the woman Michele talked about - 3 kids, 9 baseball games, 1 weekend. And that’s just ONE thing. If the kids are involved in other activities, then when does it end and when does it actually benefit THEM?
There’s an old saying that you can only burn the candle at both ends for so long. The question here is, WHY are we doing that to our kids when it’s TOTALLY NOT necessary?
JD | June 2nd, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Nope, our lives, so far, have not changed in order to fit the kids. They are only 2 and 4, so we’ll see! We go away regularly to a family cottage/the beach there and there are MANY helicopter parents.
Marianne G | June 2nd, 2009 at 5:17 pm
I had a revelation on this topic tonight as I multitasked through the night to study for my brokers exam and prepare for the next day. Although I agree that you shouldn’t overschedule your kids and they should be allowed to be kids, they should be involved in activities and here is why. I was involved in many activities as a child and loved them. Some other people I know were too. However, others did nothing. My husband is one of those who did basically nothing. I do not have an issue with multitasking and acomplishing many things in one evening or day. He, on the other hand, becomes incredibly overwhelmed, confused and starts to panic when he has a lot to do. My typical high school days were to get up at 5:30am, get to school by 7:30am, have cheerleaing or drama practice until about 4ish, and then go to work at 5pm, getting home at 10pm. I enjoyed it all, always worked hard but played hard, maybe too hard, during my time off. Many people I know had the same life, all of which turned out to be go getters with high energy. The people that did not have activities are not only complacent but have tremendous trouble getting one task done, much less multiple tasks. They are not as driven and have a lot of trouble functioning effortlessly. They also have trouble sustaining themselves through not only the things that they have to do that day, but things that they enjoy. I am not condoning overscheduling or never giving your kids a chance to be kids but it is good to get them out because they will need that energy to make it through adult life and not feel completely overwhelmed and lost.
oceans mom | June 3rd, 2009 at 8:32 pm
I’m conflicted on this topic. I’m a writer who is trying to build her business from home, and I have a 4 yr old and a 7 yr old.
I want to let their childhoods roll out naturally, but if I leave them to their own devices it would be all video games all the time. I’m not sure where the balance is between mom-led activities and find-your-own fun.
I guess if my family was less introverted, and if there were more kids on our street it would resolve itself somewhat, but as it is, I have to be the one to push activities and the like and that gets tiring.
But, that being said, we have consciously decided not to enroll them in too many planned activities either because we don’t want to spend our lives in a hectic rush.
Like I said, totally conflicted.
Chris (Mombie) | June 5th, 2009 at 7:09 am
I call myself a lazy parent. Right now we have a one activity rule. One activity at a time. One club/class/sport/whatever. Right now it’s gymnastics. Our weekends are freeeeee!
I remember growing up I would go to my mom and say, “I’m bored.” Nowadays it seems like a parent would be expected to respond to that by whipping up a fabulous craft or jumping in the car and heading to an organic farm or some such. My mom’s response was awesome, and one I plan to use myself.
When I complained about being bored? She’d say, “Clean your room.” Needless to say, I found ways to occupy myself without expecting my mother to entertain me. So far, my almost-three-year-old is a champ at exploring and amusing herself. A skill I have no doubt will serve her well in the future.
Robyn | June 5th, 2009 at 9:03 am