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Hi, I am Nataly and I am the co-founder of Work It, Mom!
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Maybe it’s time to stop stressing about the family dinner
Categories: Balancing Act, Parenting & Family
For a while after our daughter was born I used to stress about the fact that we rarely ate dinner as a family during the week. Our nanny or babysitter would feed our daughter before my husband and I got home and then he and I would grab some food later at night. On weekends we’d sit down for lunch or dinner together, but during the week the schedules just didn’t work out. But since I read study after study about how having family dinners has a positive impact on kids — better nutrition, less involvement with alcohol and drugs, etc. — I felt quite guilty that our family dinners were so few and far between.
Eventually, I learned to let it go. Well, maybe not completely, but for the most part, I figure there are enough real things to stress about than not being able to be the Leave It to Beaver perfect family. I also came up with an alternative — a family breakfast. Most mornings, even if just for a few minutes, the three of us all sit down for a warm breakfast together and catch our breath before the daily hectic pace begins. I’m pretty sure that it doesn’t matter what meal it is and what the family dinner is really about is spending some focused time together as a family.
This weekend I read an article in the New York Times titled The Guilt-Trip Casserole: The Family Dinner. It talks about the amazing lengths some families go to so that they can all sit down for dinner, like one corporate attorney mom who gets up at 4am so she can do several hours of work before the day starts and get home in time to eat dinner with her family. Or the mom who gives her kids several hefty snacks so that they can hold out until 9pm when their dad gets home and they all eat together. Honestly, while part of me admires this determination, I think it’s a little nuts.
And some of the experts interviewed for the article suggest that there is no need to go to great lengths to make sure the family sits down for dinner every night — it’s just one of the many ways families can connect and there is nothing about it that makes is better than others, including watching a movie all together. As one expert pointed out, while there are many studies that suggest there is a relationship between family dinners and kids who are less likely to be delinquent, abuse alcohol or drugs there is nothing that proves that having family dinners actually causes this positive impact.
Does your family sit down for dinner regularly? If not, is this something you stress/feel guilty about?
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We do, but that’s because our schedules allow us to do so. We eat dinner most nights together, and most meals on the weekends. If one of us didn’t work the same shift, things would be different!
CV | October 6th, 2009 at 6:07 am
Yes, but I often scarf down my share and then go do something while the kids finish their dinner. I find that if I hang around and chat with them / read to them, I have their attention, but they don’t eat their food. I’m thinking this is a toddler thing, because we used to all sit together and actually eat while interacting. Hopefully we’ll get back to that point again. But in the mean time, I might as well get some things done while they eat.
SKL | October 6th, 2009 at 8:42 am
I used to stress out that we never ate dinner together, but I had to come to the reality that our schedules were different. Often daughter and I would eat dinner and then save something for hubby, who got home past the ‘normal’ dinnertime. If we waited for him, we’d be eating so late that it simply wasn’t good. Then, as daughter got older, she was involved with band/guard practice or other outside things. Dinner was often around 7-7:30, simply because it couldn’t be avoided.
The “dinner at 5 and all together” is a rarity. It’s sad, but very very true. I’d LOVE to be able to sit down at 5/6ish, all together, like June Cleaver, but reality is a whole different creature than fantasy.
Jane | October 6th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Dinner all together is a fantasy in today’s day and age. It’s almost impossible for us so we reserve it for on the weekends. Breakfast does seem like the best time for everyone in our household to connect as well.
I think as long as you keep the lines of communication open with your loved ones somehow it’s okay. I like bedtime conversations myself.
sk | October 6th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Shoot, even the weekends are hard for us to get together, and there’s only 3 of us. Daughter is working AND involved with extra things + school; hubby works on Sat, sometimes til 10, so IF daughter isn’t involved with or working on Sunday, MAYBE we get to have dinner together.
In reality, I’m the only 1 of the 3 of us that has a “normal” schedule.
Oh, well…. Maybe one of these days…..
Jane | October 6th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Dinner is usually done alone, I realized this when the other day when she said, “wow mommy, you’re having fish sticks too?!?”
It is something each year I’ll say I’ll do better each year, but in reality it happens on weekend days and not weekdays.
But I’ve decided the big thing about family dinner was connection. So we interact on our walk to/fromschool. That’s when I ask about her day, etc. We walk leisurely, not quickly (well, unless the wind chill is below zero) and it’s filled with many “guess what else” exclamations from my daughter so I think it works well.
Mich | October 6th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
We do, but like others said, it’s because our schedules usually allow it. We’d never be able to do a family breakfast.
Miss Britt | October 7th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
We are all pretty much in the kitchen at the same time while the kids are eating but we don’t always all eat. My partner usually cooks and will be finishing up as I and the kids eat - and he doesn’t like to eat a lot at night so he usually nibbles as he cooks or eats a small plate. Or sometimes I don’t eat (I may have had a late lunch and will prefer to eat at my leisure a little later) but sit with the kids. Or he sits with the kids as I flit about doing a few things while talking with everyone. I don’t sweat it - we are all talking (okay the 15 month old is babbling). And speaking of the 15 month old as soon as she is done she wants *out* of the high chair so that breaks up the group as well. This is our reality and we embrace ti and roll with it - we get home from work at around 6:15 and that’s it.
Diane Feirman | October 8th, 2009 at 10:56 am
We do eat dinner together as much as we can because our work schedules allow it. Because I have my own business, I don’t work from the time the kids are home from school until they go to bed (unless it’s a planned event or special circumstance with a client). My husband is home by 6:15 almost every night. We don’t eat fancy meals; often times it’s simple stuff like grilled cheese, pasta, salads and take & bake pizza. But we do sit down together and talk about our days. We actually started a game a while back called, “What’s your favorite part of the day” that now the kids keep going.
With that said, I believe that what is important is not whether you eat as a family every night, but what the family gets out of the act: coming together, taking turns sharing, laughing, listening, etc. It’s a time to model many good life skills for children. However, these things can be accomplished in a number of ways. For some it may be snuggle time in the parent’s bed on weekend mornings or breakfast s before work/school or a couple family dinners on the weekend if the weekdays are not possible. I don’t think it’s necessarily better to make family dinners happen every night if doing so causes extra stress or throws the kids off their natural eating/sleeping schedules.
What’s important is that your kids get to particpate in calm, stress-free time with their family, participting in conversations, sharing and laughing. When that happens needs to work for the family.
I believe strongly that the greatest gift we can give ourselves and our family is a peaceful house. We each have to determine what that looks like for us and make the choices that support it as best as possible. And most likely, it will continue to change over time!!
Nicola Ries Taggart - The Executive Moms Coach | October 8th, 2009 at 12:08 pm