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with Nataly
Hi, I am Nataly and I am the co-founder of Work It, Mom!
I write the daily Work It, Mom! Blog where I talk about issues affecting working moms, goings on in our Work It, Mom! community, new site features, updates,and contests. I also share my own juggle between work and family and love to see members jump in with comments. Come and visit often!
Nataly's profile on Work It, Mom!
I am a sucker for any report or new story about working moms — not surprisingly, obviously — so of course I checked out the recent report from the Pew Research Center titled The Harried Life of the Working Mother. It is filled with all sorts of interesting (although predictable and somewhat obvious) data but the section that jumped out at me was about full time work and motherhood.
Overwhelmingly, moms and dads don’t think that working full-time and being a mom is an ideal arrangement.
This chart says it all:
I am not at all surprised by these numbers. I’ve worked full time the entire time I’ve been a working mom (going on five+ years now) and I’m the first to admit that it’s a constant challenge to not lose my sanity daily. (My husband may suggest here that I’ve lost it, but that’s for another blog post.) I get up very early most days to fit in some exercise or to get dinner ready for the evening, try-not-to-rush-but-rush through our morning routine, take my daughter to school, rush to work, try to catch my breath as the work day — filled with endless meetings, calls, to-dos — flies by, rush home, hang out with our kiddo and my husband, try to fit in some piano practice with our daughter or something fun, like a board game, and then it’s back to work for a few hours once she is asleep. In the rare cases that I don’t have to catch up on work at night, I cook dinner for a few days ahead or do other chores.
We manage and I keep my sanity, not the least because my husband pitches in quite a bit. He handles doctors’ appointment scheduling (including my own physicals), keep track of permission slips and endless school paperwork, and takes care of laundry, garbage and grocery shopping (using a rockin’ list I’ve created, if might add.) And still, with both of us working full time, we do *just* manage, nothing more.
But as I’ve written here before, I don’t know what the solution is. While many moms in the Pew Survey said they’d like to work part time, it’s unclear whether part-time work actually makes life easier. Read through the comments on one of my earlier post titled Do most working moms really want to work part-time? and it’s quickly clear that while they work for some, many part-time jobs feel like full-time work, just with less pay and benefits. And for most of us, staying home and not working is not an option — for many reasons, including finances, health insurance, the desire to work, and so on.
Someone suggested once that the only way is to buy your way out of the stress problem: Pay for more help around the house and with the kids, eat out or order in takeout more than cooking, etc. And while I partly agree — i.e. I think if you can afford it, buying time together as a family is worth it — most of us are not sitting on piles of money we can spend at will.
I’d love to hear your perspectives in the comments. Do you work full-time? If you could, would you rather work part-time? What would make your life as a full-time working mom easier?
I don’t know — I think part of this stems from a cultural perception that being at home with a parent full time is the best thing for a kid, and I’m not convinced that’s true. My daughter is two and I’ve worked full time since she was 4 months old. For the first 6 months after I went back to work, her care was juggled by her dad (who was in graduate school) and my mother (who teaches college and therefore has a flexible schedule), and then for the next year or so my mother in law moved nearby to take care of her full time. Now she’s in a center based daycare/preschool. I absolutely don’t think she would have been better off if I was home with her 100% of the time — she had the opportunity to develop close relationships with other family members, nobody was on 100% of the time and therefore we all had more patience and creativity, she was exposed to different ideas, different learning styles. My MIL taught her things I would never think to teach her, my mother soothed her in ways I didn’t know. Now that she’s in daycare, she’s thriving — she was 100% ready to spend time with other children, to learn to share and take turns and express herself to people who aren’t attuned to her every gesture, to do more structured learning.
Is our life easy? Hell no. We do have a housekeeper come 1x a week, but I cook dinner nearly every night (mostly because I enjoy it). Our lives are always verging on chaos, and I’d love to work part time, but I think she is JUST FINE and I don’t feel much guilt about working full time. I think if you take that out of the equation, the numbers would skew differently.
Kate | October 8th, 2009 at 10:23 am
What I hear from clients over and over again is that they’d like to have one day during the week as a “free” day to get errands and chores done so that they didn’t have to squeeze that stuff into the evenings and weekends. I’ve actually had some clients make this step and they have found tthat he decrease in pay or the need to work more efficiently during the other 4 days has been worth it. They love their one day during the week when they have not kids and no work and find pleasure in spending an hour or so doing something just for themselves (exercise, lunch with a friend, massage) and then the rest of the day getting all the other life “chores” done. Plus, they use the day to pick up the kid(s) early so they have some extra, fun time in mommy mode.
I realize this may not be possible for everyone, but I have found that if you really want this type of “family-friendly” schedule to work, whether you work for yourself or someone else, that you can make it happen with some strategy and preperation.
Nicola Ries Taggart - The Executive Moms Coach | October 8th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
I have to say that it’s really unhelpful to ask people how they think other people should live their lives. There is no one “way” that is best for everyone. I think we shouldn’t even acknowledge, let alone feed into, these “polls” and the discussions they generate.
Personally, before I was a mom, I probably would have said that working full time would not be ideal. However, now that I am a mom, I feel very differently. My children fit into my life as a career woman, just as they would if I were a farmer, a military wife, or a welfare mom. They are thriving largely because I am able to be myself and share with them the ways in which I enjoy life - and working happens to be one of those ways. I for one don’t think it’s regrettable that part of my kids’ pretend play involves imaginary e-mails and conference calls. Watching me inspires my kids to want to learn whatever skills I use to have a successful work day. They do not have one single problem / delay that could be remotely linked to my career. Nor do they guilt-trip me about leaving them to go to work. (Possibly because I am not the least bit apologetic about it.)
There is a basic misunderstanding in the discussion about working vs. parenting. The two are not mutually exclusive. Can you be a good parent and still spend time putting on make-up? Going out to dinner without your kids? Working out for an hour or more per day? Blogging, reading romance novels, or watching TV? Taking care of pets, plants, and farm animals? Can you be a parent and still put your kids in school for 7 hours a day? Why do none of these activities take away from the quality of one’s parenting, yet having a career does?
We need to get away from this mindset where career women ask themselves daily whether they should be doing this at all. Then maybe they could focus more on the “how” and find ways to be more effective as both parents and workers. Because it can be done. Many women are doing it. Let’s rise above the popular prejudice and try to learn from these women.
SKL | October 8th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Yes iw ork full time now, and would like to go part time once my daughter starts school. This way i would be able to “be” there for her to help her learn more, play more etc.
As aof right you.. like you said.. we do manage with two parents working full time.. My husband does pitch around the house as much> I am blessed with good friends and parents who dont mind baby sitting once in a while when we want a break and head out for a date.
TO make it easeir, if i could, i would prefer some help for the cleaning. It would take a whole loads off my to-do’s list. I have stop being a neat freak already.. but the additional help will make it more sanitisd for sure
GNSD | October 9th, 2009 at 9:52 am
SKL, your post hit the nail on the head!
I was also shocked that the poll was only concerned about what the mother should or shouldn’t be doing outside the home. If the questions are going to be asked at all (which I don’t think they should be) we should be asking them of the fathers as well.
LMJN | October 9th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Ideally I would love to work 4 day/wk in the office because I could use some time to do all the other stuff. But I can’t make the numbers work either on hiring someone for 2+ hours each day to make it four ten-hour days or to take the 1/5 cut in pay. Some would probably say I could “make it work”–perhaps, but there are things we’d have to give up that I don’t think is beneficial in the long run:
1) go back to a one-bedroom - worked fine as an infant, but not with a 7-yr old - we need space
2) leave the area - could get cheaper housing further out, but then she changes schools, I’m isolated from my support network. I don’t make friends easily and the type of friends that cheerfully pick up your kid in the middle of the day because the school couldn’t reach you are rare indeed.
Eh - think I’ll keep things as they are.
Mich | October 9th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
my husband lost his job in 2005 - through having 2 babies during the past few years up until now - i’ve worked -
i’m serioulsy frustrated and very resentful - like you would not believe - there are women who galavant - who are stay at home moms - of how theiri husbands bought them this and that -
I get so frustruated and jealous of their lives - why did i get stuck at the bitter end of the spectrum? why did i even get married to begin with - I love the children, but my husband cannot find a job to support all of us and that pisses me off - i’ve tried and tried to swallow this bitter pill -
it’s so hard - i pray and it does not go away -
i need some counseling or help - i need a real man - yeah, that’s it.
LARRAH | October 9th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
I work full time +. 50 hrs a week and that’s just in the office. Not counting time on the phone after hours.
I am senior in my field and used to set my own hours. It was great. I’d leave at 5 or 6 when I could. I felt like a normal working mom. I had time to participate in my child’s life. It was great. Then my supervisor changed things for me and I now have to work 9a-7p. I have just about 2 hrs with my daughter before she goes to school and maybe 10 mins at night if I get home before she goes to bed. My husband is unemployed and has decided he’s not getting another job. He has given up the job search and is starting his own business.
Do I have stress? Tons. Am I resentful? Totally. I know the job market sucks and there are so many people looking for work in my husband’s field. Many that are more talented, younger, would work for less. So it’s difficult b/c he is a great SAHD, but the price that’s being paid for me being the breadwinner is I am never home and thus an absentee parent.
All I can do at this point is find another job that is more family-friendly. Which is hard as there is not much out there to begin with!
I’m so frustrated and feel for all of you that have commented. I;m keeping my chin up as best I can and hope you will too.
VMT | October 9th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
I don’t really care so much about what a poll tells me I’m supposed to feel. But what I do know is that my approach to motherhood is to trust my gut, and right now, working 65+ hour work weeks, taking care of a 10 month old and pretending I can keep up with the house work as well feels like more than I should have to take on. I work in the events industry and so, in theory, should be able to work events when I want to and keep my own hours outside of the delivery of said events, however with a husband in grad school, my role as the primary bread winner makes that impossible…and not just because as a woman I’m only making 60 cents on the dollar. I’m not resentful of my husband, and I don’t feel like my kid is missing out by being socialized by myself and the day care (if anything daycare makes him much more well rounded and teaches him that being a whole person is about being more than just one label to all people) but working part time or on a contract basis seems like the way for me to earn a living and also enjoy my life and my kid, before retirement. There seems to be this notion that you have to work really hard your whole life and enjoy yourself when the works all done. What I don’t understand is if I’m supposed to hold off now on enjoying my family, how exactly do turn off that habit once I’m 65? I don’t think I’m asking to have my cake and eat it too, but to me, working and having a full family life is about finding balance between both world so you can enjoy it all.
PixieMom | October 10th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
I agree that I would rather work full time than part time. I have the option here where I work, but it would mean a reduced remuneration and benefit structure, but the same work load expectation, or a sort of “step down” to a less responsible role size. I suppose then the only question is to work, or not to work…
Monya | October 12th, 2009 at 1:53 am
I don’t think working full-time is best but i do so. I would be willing to live on less income but my main reason for full time employment is to get health insurance for me and my daughter. My DH’s employer will insure him but will not subsidize family members. I find myself envious of a sahm friend of mine, although i know she doesn’t have health ins and her kids are on medicaid……but this is probably a topic for another blog.
Tracy | October 12th, 2009 at 8:24 am
Honestly, I’d rather not work at all. Part time would be better for me than full time, but daycare is just about impossible to afford on a part-time salary and part-time doesn’t get health insurance at my company.
But, I am not a “career woman”. I never went to college, I have no desire to climb the corporate ladder, and I know that I will probably never make more than $30K / yr full time. I intentionally took a low stress job because after having my daughter and going back to a stressful job I was prone to panic attacks. For me, personally, I would be a better, more engaged and active mom if I did not work. I would have time to actually play with my child, and do more things with her. I would be happier, period. I do see the benefits of having my child in daycare. And I think its great that daycare will prepare her for the classroom environment of kindergarten. If you do have a career, then yes, that would be a very positive thing for a child to grow up seeing. But really, the whole “what’s better” is just a matter of opinion and will vary for each family. We have another baby on the way. My salary will cover health insurance and daycare for the 2 kids. Seems almost pointless…..
Erica | October 12th, 2009 at 9:20 am
I work full-time and there are many times I wish I only work part-time. However, I love my job and right now my husband and I can’t depend on just one income.
I have a 8 month old daughter and there are many times where I really wish I can spend more time with her. Not only that…I wish I had more time to run errands or even a little time to rest, etc.
Julie | October 13th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Hello from a veteran, working, married mom. I took 6 weeks off when each kid was born and then returned to the office. Our oldest is now 21.
It has been harrowing.
Being a member of the full-time workforce has been fun and rewarding. Being a mom full-time has been fun and rewarding. However, combining the two has been tough.
I don’t think it is in the best interest of the mother.
I’m friends with some moms in their early 30’s who work for 3 days in succession and stay home for 4 days. They switch off with their husbands to watch the kids. This seemed like a beautiful solution to me! Ideal. My husband and I have been so happy for them.
However, when we talk to them they are totally stressed.
Ellen Ewing | October 13th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
I do work part-time and would absolutly echo the “feels like full-time with less money and no benefits”.
I also co-parent, so I work M/T/W on the days when my daughter is at her dad’s house (in preschool and at home with her SAHM stepmother). I pick her up from Pre-school midday wednesday and am home with her the rest of the week.
I guess you could say that I have the best of both worlds, I don’t have to do the get a three year old to school and me to work race on my work days, which is nice, I guess. I also, in order only be working part-time, am in a dead end job that is not professionally stimulating and get paid bascially nothing with no room for advancement. Its more a resume placeholder and something to do on the days when I don’t have my kiddo anyway.
I chose to work half time because of how hard it is not to see my kid half the time and how guilty I feel when our time togteher is relegated to evenings and every other weekend. I don’t think I would have the same guilt if she was with me full time, or, for example if I had an second child that lived with me full time. When my daughter starts kindergarten I will go back to the land of the professionally living and my bank account will not mock me so openly anymore.
I also suppose that my age (i’m 27 with a nearly four year old) works in my favor a little. I have plenty of time to dig in professionally with the rest of the late bloomers and I won’t have to worry about midcareer babies.
I do envy the SAHM stepmom though. She always seems to have the cleaner house and the clean clothes and a general level of higher confidence about parenting than I do. I think it must be nice to have the one constant job of raising 2.5 kids than the four or five part time gigs that I feel like I have running all at once.
Susanna | October 14th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
I work full time as a nurse, which means days and evenings, weekends and holidays. The upside is that I have 2 week days of every week, which is great for appointments and errands. We were lucky enough to find a wonderful development center near our home and our 1 year old LOVES the caregivers and the other children. My mother and mother-in-law both work, so grandma was never an option for us. Besides, I think she has more fun and has more of an advantage interacting with other kids than she does when she is home with me.
I just survived my first year of juggling breast feeding/pumping at work, home renovations, and my husband traveling unexpectedly for work.
Yes, there are days I am exhausted. Yes, we have had more than a few arguments over housework (we both work full-time, so I shouldn’t have 80% of the housework too, right?).
But the funny ting is, I feel more focused now than I did before I had my daughter. It’s also a plus that we can actually put money away for her later and still get her what she needs now.
I felt guilty for the first few months, but now it’s just our life. I don’t have time to dwell on what could be when I’m enjoying what I have!
Tina | October 15th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
I am working full time with a 4 month old and I am drowning. My husband helps get up with our son every other night but he is pretty worthless for washing bottles, packing sitter bags and groceries or meal prep. I have to work because of student loans and his credit card debt plus some house projects. I want our marriage to work but this feels so lopsided it’s rediculous lately. I worry constantly about the care my son gets even though he is with private sitters…do they change his diaper as often as I do? Probably not. Do they wash his hands, blow his nose, work with him on developing skills. Especially when he gets older I will worry about what he is doing. In some ways I know I’m better off financially than my mother was, but I feel poorer where time with my son is. Corporate America is not supportive of working mothers nor is our government. 6 weeks for maternity leave is a joke. Working days that run from 8 (plus 30 - 45 min commute times so leaving by 7 - 7:30 and not out until 5 or home until 6…there is no time for anything. An aggressive savings plan and riding my husband’s butt to simplify his spending habits and get a raise is my best bet to go part time before my son turns 5 is my best bet. I will make sure he has play time, homework time and can be involved in activities and church. I guess I have to be sure I’m ready and willing and able to find those activities and hobbies that are low cost and enriching to myself and for my son…same as my mother did.
Dee | October 20th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
I would rather work part-time right now. I am a single mom, working full-time and taking 7-10 credits a semester toward my bacholer’s degree in nursing. My ex is of little if any support, so I think I am losing my sanity daily. I would love to work part-time and do school…so much easier. When I was just working I thought I had it hard…that was a piece of cake compared to this!
Kate | November 2nd, 2009 at 3:54 pm