During a recent conversation a colleague of mine – a woman – mentioned that something she is working on is to be a better communicator at work. She said she feels that at times she tends to be too wordy, which muddles the point she is trying to make, and at other times doesn’t state her opinion strong enough and it gets lost in the discussion. I thought it was kind of awesome that she realized she could have more impact if she communicated better and was working to make it happen.
I also thought about the fact that I’ve seen many, many women make the same communication mistakes at work and suffer the consequences, mostly by not being heard/respected/given credit for their opinions and often important contributions. This might sound pompous, but I’ve always thought of my communication skills as being one of my biggest assets professionally. And yet I find that I fall into the same traps and too often. Things like:
- Ask a question instead of making a statement. “Do you guys think we should increase the marketing spend for the next month? vs. “I think we should increase the marketing spend for the next month and here’s why.”
- Qualify what you’re saying with what I call impact-softeners (yes, this sounds like another word for a laxative, but I bet you won’t forget it.) “I’m not sure it’s the right concept, but maybe we should think about increasing the marketing spend for the next month.”
- Over-explain your point. This is too-wordy issue my colleague is working to fix. I think when we lack confidence in what we’re saying we say a lot more words to make our point, as if more words will create more justification for our point.
Any of this sound familiar? If I think about the many women I’ve worked with, even the most senior and established ones fall into these communication traps. Sure, I’ve seen some men do this as well, but I find it’s much more prevalent with women. There are probably many reasons why, but I think lack of confidence is one of the biggest ones, especially if you work in a male-dominated environment, (which has mostly been my experience).
Another reason that I’ve been thinking about recently our inclination to build consensus, which is definitely something women feel compelled to do more than men. I recently started a new project at work and I am working with a new team – none of us have worked together before. In team meetings I often find that I do go out of my way to say things like “What do you guys think?” or “One idea I have – and I am not certain it’s the right one…” to make sure that my opinions don’t dominate and everyone feels like they can contribute. I feel this creates a better team dynamic and I am conscious of doing it. But I think it’s easy to overdo it – i.e. to focus too much on building consensus and not enough on making an impact by strongly and clearly communicating your views – so it’s something I do watch out for.
Do you find yourself falling into any of these communication traps? Do you see other women do it at work? Any tips or suggestions you can share?
I wouldn’t call myself extremely frugal, but for as long as I can remember I’ve been pretty conservative with my money. I would always try to save as much as possible and even as my income — and after I got married, my husband’s and my incomes — grew, I refused to spend a lot more money. I like to look nice but I rarely buy full-priced clothes, opting instead to find awesome bargains, even if it takes a while. Even when we lived in New York and were surrounded by endless awesome restaurant options, my husband and I chose to eat in a lot more than eat out. I’ve never been big on famous brands and I am sure a few of my friends still remember my claim that there can’t be enough difference between $50 jeans and $150 jeans to make the money worth it.
