The Work It, Mom! Blog
with Nataly
Hi, I am Nataly and I am the co-founder of Work It, Mom!
I write the daily Work It, Mom! Blog where I talk about issues affecting working moms, goings on in our Work It, Mom! community, new site features, updates,and contests. I also share my own juggle between work and family and love to see members jump in with comments. Come and visit often!
Nataly's profile on Work It, Mom!
I think moms need to learn to be more selfish
Categories: Balancing Act, Working Women Issues, Your life
|
One of my friends is pregnant and the other day I decided to break my rule about not giving pregnant friends advice. (It’s kind of a weak rule, to be honest, but I do try not to volunteer advice to people getting married or about to have kids unless they ask. Unless I can’t help it.) The advice I gave her was this:
Learn to be selfish after your baby is born.
I think my friend was a little surprised when I said this. “Selfish” has a bad rep as a quality and a worse rep when it comes to moms. When I called my grandma to tell her I was pregnant with my daughter she told me to remember that my life is no longer about me, but about my baby, before she congratulated me. I am sure cultures differ in terms of what they expect of moms (I come from a Russian Jewish family), but I think it’s hard to argue with the fact that as moms we’re expected to care for our kiddos first, before taking care of our needs. Forget expected, it’s our natural instinct.
But one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned as a mom is that if I don’t take care of me and do things just for me, everyone suffers, especially my daughter. I’ve heard the saying “Happy mom, happy family” before, but I think it took being a mom for a few years to actually internalize it and understand it. And it’s still a bit of a battle to practice it without that old guilt monster creeping in.
I work a lot during the week so most of my time to do stuff for me is on weekends… which is also my time to spend with my daughter and husband. This is my toughest challenge and I’ve written here before about “weekend working mom guilt“. I’ve learned to overcome it, somewhat: On Saturdays I take a 1-hour Zumba class, for example, and on Sundays I go for a long walk, one of my favorite things to do, while my husband takes our daughter swimming. Yes, this is serious progress for someone who used to literally stay glued to our daughter on weekends.
I realize that this is a limited-time problem — she is turning seven soon (OMG!) and I can see the time coming when she doesn’t want to hang out with us on weekends and I have plenty of time to do stuff I want. But in the meantime, I’ve learned that taking a little time for myself — aka being a little selfish — is a really important thing to do, for my and my family’s sanity. And that is what I explained to my pregnant friend.
Do you take time for yourself or do you find it difficult to do?
Subscribe to blog via RSS
Great advice - I’d take yours any day, pregnant or not! It is hard, though, as a Mom to not live solely for your children and never treat yourself.
Laura | May 23rd, 2011 at 1:51 pm
I agree with you, Nataly. Time for myself (and with my husband, sans kids) makes me a better Mom, wife, PERSON.
Angella | May 23rd, 2011 at 4:36 pm
absolutely agree! And actually its my husband who insists on this. Apparently i get a little cranky when i dont have some time for myself lol! i know i haven’t been doing a good job of that when he suggests maybe i need to get out and do something just for me! Great advice!!
kate | May 23rd, 2011 at 7:18 pm
I do find it hard. One, there is always work to do and not everyone (adult or child) is understanding of my “personal time.” Two, it’s hard to justify (to myself) hiring someone to be with my kids so I can “escape.” Three, I always feel like I want more time with my kids, so when I get the opportunity, it’s hard to walk away from it.
I think I can hold out a few more years until I can leave my kids to do one thing while I do another (other than work or sleep, LOL). For that matter, sometimes just going to bed feels like the best “me time” I could have.
SKL | May 23rd, 2011 at 10:55 pm
My “me” time, is whenever my son is with his father. We are divorced, so he spends every Wednesday night with his father, and also the 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends. So, this is when I do all of the things that are just about me. My hair appointments, after work doctor appointments, mom’s only dinners with friends, mani pedi days, shopping, etc. While divorce is not ideal, I am thankful for my “me” time, because I remember when I didn’t have it, and I was grumpy, mean, etc. because I felt like my ex-husband got to do any and every thing HE wanted to do with HIS friends or by himself….but I never got that “luxury” of girl time with my gal pals, or going to the nail salon without my child screaming his head off or running amuck throughout the place (which drives me nuts!), etc. I know that it’s a hard thing to do, but I agree, you NEED to make YOU time in order to take care of the family.
laurantexas | May 25th, 2011 at 3:01 pm
That might be the only good thing about separation/divorce - you actually have can have built in you time! I jest (partially) but it is much easier to do when I don’t feel guilty about my time with her.
Working hourly has been freeing because they actually don’t WANT you to spend too much time at the office (all that time and a half) so getting home most nights is easy enough. But I still take one evening a week (with sitter) for music - choir rehearsal in the school year, instrumental & solo practice in the summer. Sometimes followed by live music at a local place. That is what rejuvenates me more than anything else so that is the time I always take for me that is not the stuff of daily living (hair, doctor etc).
Mich | May 26th, 2011 at 2:17 pm
If, you are choosing to work… then isn’t that your selfish time? I assume you are choosing to work, from some of the other things I have read here on your blog. All I really do know is my mom stayed home for a while and worked for a while. I missed my mom a lot. When she would come home she was so tired, and there was nothing left of her to give. I was 14 at the time so I tried to pretend like I didn’t care, although I did. So much so that I would sometimes cry myself to sleep. Our all about me culture is so backwards. We are only truly happy when we give/serve others. Being a blessing to someone brings a deeper happiness than anything we could do for ourselves.
April | May 28th, 2011 at 9:46 am
I tend to agree - because my husband and I both work full-time it feels like we get so little time with our 2-year-old son and even less time together as a family (I work days, he works evenings with about a 3-hour overlap). So if I cut into that time to do something for myself it feels like I’m committing a capital offense. That being said, it is incredibly freeing to spend an hour or two doing something that you enjoy, and I find that I return to my family more relaxed and appreciative of them. In my opinion it’s all about balance, and quality versus quantity.
And to be honest - I WISH my job was my “me” time! Maybe for a lucky few who love what they do, but even then, there’s still a degree of pressure and stress involved in working. You do the best you can with what circumstances you’re given.
Terra | May 31st, 2011 at 6:54 pm
I don’t like to perpetuate the idea that taking time for yourself is “selfish”. Do we call our husbands selfish when they take time for themselves? Do we call our kids selfish when they are in the “self centered” phases of life? We would never consider calling someone else who is taking care of their needs and desires “selfish”. Doing something that is satisfying, fulfilling and energizing to me will never be called “selfish’ in my household. I will not teach my boys to label women that do things for themselves as “selfish”. We are a family. We all have needs. We take care of those needs in order of necessity and urgency. My kids are *happy* and well cared for. My husband and I are happy and well cared for. Life is good. Not selfish!
Joni | June 6th, 2011 at 3:14 pm
definition of selfish: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
please don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting that you are telling your friend to be concerned excessively with herself. Quite the opposite. Please stop saying it is “selfish” to take a little time for yourself. =) It is obviously not.
As for the post about whether work is “selfish” time since you choose to work. Would you pose the same question to any man that works? Since most men choose careers over staying at home with their kids? I feel bad that she is harboring resentment for her mom and childhood situation, it sounds like it was quite painful for her. But that doesn’t mean every child feels that way because their mom works.
I could go on! But I won’t!
Joni | June 7th, 2011 at 9:50 pm