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with Nataly
Hi, I am Nataly and I am the co-founder of Work It, Mom!
I write the daily Work It, Mom! Blog where I talk about issues affecting working moms, goings on in our Work It, Mom! community, new site features, updates,and contests. I also share my own juggle between work and family and love to see members jump in with comments. Come and visit often!
Nataly's profile on Work It, Mom!
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I’m a fairly emotional person. And by this I mean that I have strong emotions (you might call me the opposite of even-tempered) and I express most of them openly. Good or bad, it’s who I am and I guess the good news is that I’m well aware that it’s who I am and can try to adjust to different situations if needed.
Lately I’ve been thinking about whether or not I should be adjusting my tendency to show my emotions at work.
On the one hand, I’m a big believer in just being who you are, wherever you are. Sure, my mom “persona” is different from my “work” persona, and both are different from what I’m like when, say, I rock it out in my Zumba class or catch up with a friend over lunch. But at the core, I’m me, and for me this means being open about my emotions and sharing them with others. And this means that when I’m happy about something at work my colleagues can’t miss it and when I’m stressed or upset about something, it shows.
Don’t get me wrong: You won’t find me slamming doors or crying in my office when things go wrong. That goes beyond showing emotions and into the inappropriate-at-work territory. I have a fairly senior gig and also manage a team — both of these mean that I have to be aware that my emotions affect others and I can’t just let them pour out unedited. But still, my mode of operation has always been to be honest about how I feel at work and this has held true in various work environments, from small companies to bigger corporations.
So I’m finding myself in relatively new waters lately because I’m starting to think that my honest emotions policy at work might not be the best idea. We’ve gone through a bunch of changes at work lately and with change comes stress and some up-and-down emotions — for everyone, not just for me. And as I’ve watched my colleagues and teammates react, I’ve sometimes realized that not letting them know how I really feel might be a better idea. Sometimes it seems being an even-headed, even-tempered presence helps diffuse an otherwise stressful situation more than say, commiserating and sharing similar emotions with my colleagues. “Everything is going to be OK and things are actually fine” vs. “I know how you feel and I share a lot of your emotions”, if you would.
Sure, as with anything, the answer is probably somewhere in between. I’d hate to have to fake how I feel all the time — at work or anywhere else — but it’s useful to keep my emotions to myself at times. And of course I can’t keep but consider the woman angle: As a woman, am I doing myself a disservice by showing emotions at work? Am I subject to a double standard? Is a man commiserating with colleagues about a stressful situation considered understand and kind and a woman doing the same viewed as weak and overly emotional?
I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject of showing emotions at work. What’s your personal policy? Do you think as women we face a different standard?
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What emotions? Ha ha. Can you tell I used to work in a male-dominated industry?
I work on an all-woman team at the moment, and there are times when we share emotions. Mostly during down-times or as an explanation for why something didn’t happen as expected. It varies by individual. One is an open book, another rarely makes a peep on the personal level, and the rest are in-between. Myself, I like a good rant when someone has ticked me off, and then I get back to business.
I do think there is a gender aspect to what is “OK.” Having worked around more or less passionate men, showing emotion in business dealings is often a way for men to be persuasive. I highly doubt that would be the effect of a woman showing the exact same behavior. A woman needs to show that she can be intelligent, articulate, objective, rational, even-keeled, etc. My boss has had to put up with so much nonsense from men whose obnoxious insults are tolerated in a business setting, usually unable to respond in anything other than a cool, practical voice (e.g., “there is no need to speak that way”).
That said, I recall a meeting with my boss where he brought up a comment by a mutually disliked co-worker (my nemesis), and I blurted out “F him” before I even realized it. My boss chuckled and moved on. But, he knew me really well and we were in private.
I think one criterion is whether or not the emotional expressions are “TMI.” A coworker of mine has chatted with me maybe 4 times, and I already know way more about her intimate after-hour activities than I ever wanted to know. It makes me wonder whether she also has improper professional boundaries. Will she blurt out inter-office issues or co-workers’ private business to our clients or competitors? Will they think we all are like that, and be afraid to professionally bond? And yet, in the case of the individual I’m talking about, I don’t see her ever changing. It’s just who she is.
SKL | September 20th, 2011 at 2:19 pm
Just realized my comment sounds a bit schizophrenic. Too bad we can’t edit here! My 2nd big para was talking about my current boss, a female, while the next para was talking about my previous boss, a male.
SKL | September 20th, 2011 at 2:22 pm
I look forward to your posts every week, lady. I nodded my head through the entire thing.
vivienne westwood jewellery | September 20th, 2011 at 9:07 pm
This is a great question - and I think you are valid in worrying that sharing your emotion with the team. When you are ’senior’ management it’s more than just your buddies, they are looking to you to lead and set the tone. That said, I don’t think it’s so much about NOT sharing as it is about HOW you share.
Sometimes just agreeing and sharing similar stories can just degrade into a bitch-fest (to be blunt!). Instead I think careful wording can keep you honest to yourself AND lead the team.
For example, you always want to acknowledge that how they feel is valid “I see/understand how this is a stressful situation/issue/etc.” and then follow with how you want to change/lead with “my take is that it will get better once XYZ happens, so I am really looking forward to that!” or something, obviously depends on the situation!
I have found that using the formula to
1. validate the general vibe and then
2. offer a solution/positive to focus on
really helps guide the overall team ‘emotion’ to a better place. AND if there isn’t much positive, just be honest but avoid any emotional language. Feeding people facts is much better than secrecy.
If you just jam happy down their throats they just stop talking to you - I’ve seen that happen over and over and then bosses/leaders wonder why everyone is grumbling, resigning, or hiding out in conference rooms!
(i have worked in some giant companies and not many executives get this right, but the few who do - wow what a difference!)
kate | September 21st, 2011 at 3:09 pm
Since my last annual review at work, I’ve made a concentrated effort to tone down my emotions. My boss’ boss made her detract points from my review because he thought I came across as “anxious on several occasions.” At my company our review scores are directly tied to our pay raises, so this was a priority for me to overcome.
The problem during the year I was “anxious” was that hell yeah I WAS, indeed, anxious. My company was in the process of doubling in size through building new locations and acquiring another corporation. There was a lot to be anxious about. I was in charge of all customer communication and marketing efforts.
So, when my company entered into another acquisition plan at the beginning of this year, I told myself it was do-over time. And, I now smile and say how “great” everything is at every opportunity.
We’ll see how my annual review turns out. I can say that pretending to be calm and happy can actually benefit a team and … sometimes you might just trick yourself too. So, I have no regrets for acting. Let’s hope it pays off in other ways too.
Susan | September 22nd, 2011 at 4:18 pm
I loved this. When I get asked at work,” How are you doing?” I just say, “Ok.”. And I guess its been giving a not so good vibe. So now I’m gonna say, “Great!” I would like to know, though, how to deal with co-workers who are very gossipy & just won’t stop talking & then start singing? I have to have total concentration due to the nature of my work. I am mostly concerned that my boss thinks I am the one talking away when it is this co-worker in particular who has to make it a point sometimes to get up from her seat & chat at my desk, mind you she already sits next to me. I try to keep my cool but sometimes it drives me INSANE!!!!! BTW I like your blog very insightful.
anonymous | September 24th, 2011 at 4:52 am