It’s Guest Blogger Tuesday and today’s guest blogger is MaryP.

“And they say I can’t drive him anywhere, but I’m not allowed to take the bus, either, and they don’t want me going outside between 11 and 3 because of the sun - then I’m supposed to organize dinner. Basically, I’m not allowed out of the house!”

A nanny friend of mine is feeling a bit frantic at the restrictions put on her daily activities. She has managed to make it to playgroup, but will have to leave after only 25 minutes in order to make it back to the house by her 11 a.m. curfew.

A bit excessive. Obviously.

But excessiveness isn’t always so obvious.  Where is that magical line that separates “reasonable” from “restrictive”?  What happens if you and your caregiver disagree on where that line sits? You’re feeling powerless and she’s feeling claustrophobic? Optimally, you have a conversation in which you give her the respect her qualifications and experience deserve, and she gives you the respect your parental role deserves. But what if you simply can’t agree on how much control is whose?

I’ve had clients fall back on “I write your paychecks; I’m your employer.” Not necessarily. If you have a nanny, and pay her benefits, she is your employee. I, however, am an independent contractor. Parents are my clients; I am self-employed. Besides, “I write your checks” is merest bullying; and no one, no matter what their employment status, wants to be micro-managed.

Bottom line?

If you want complete control over every aspect of your child’s care, you will have to stay home with your child.  If you cannot, or choose not, to stay home, flexibility is essential.

The potential issues are many: food, naps, crying, sick child policies, discipline, safety, hygiene, schedules… Some parents don’t want their caregivers visiting with other adults during their workday, or using the phone.  Caregivers, on the other hand, have their own perspective and needs, which may not always agree with the parents’ preference/style.

Parents want to know their child receives the best possible care, whether or not they’re the one giving the care. Caregivers want the freedom to provide quality care for the child in a way that is natural to them. Fear not! These are not mutually exclusive – but they won’t be identical.

Here’s something to consider: While this is your child, whom you love and know best, your caregiver probably has many more years of child-care experience than you. It could be that in some areas where you diverge, she knows best.

The time at which you as parents have the most control is during the interview process, seeking to choose a caregiver who shares your philosophy as much as possible. If you don’t want your child watching television, and you see a huge flat-screen TV and 500 childrens’ DVD’s in the playroom, this may not be the caregiver for you.

Or, say you’ve found the perfect daycare center.  It has everything you most wanted, (everything!!), BUT it closes about 15 minutes too soon, and has very strict late penalties.  Do you scramble to find a way to collect your child on time?  Do you give up the spot and risk not finding anything you like so well? (If you chose Option C: Make Them Change Their Closing Time, you need to back up a few paragraphs, to “flexibility is essential”.)

It’s not always easy, finding this balance between your needs/style/philosophy and those of your caregiver. One of the great lessons of parenthood, though, is that there really is more than one right way to do almost everything. Including parenting!

As teacher, then prenatal and parenting instructor, and now as a home daycare operator, MaryP has made children and their parents her stock-in-trade for twenty years. She has three children, five step-children, a hamster, a guinea pig, and one Wonderful Husband. When she’s not busy with them, she can be found at It’s Not All Mary Poppins.

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