Stop Being So Defensive!
Posted 20th July 2010 by workingmotherscoach, tagged power struggle, working mom, working mother, relationships, coaching, conflict, argument, communication, criticism, defensive, sensitive topic, difficult conversation, miscommunication
Have you ever been in a conversation with a colleague, friend or family member about a sensitive topic and ended up in a power struggle, conflict or shutting down? Or perhaps in response to someone else’s criticism, you find yourself justifying your behavior, blaming the other person or avoiding him or her all together? It sounds like defensiveness is at play.
So, how do you stop being so defensive?
You can start by practicing powerful, effective communication.
Curious Questions
One option is to ask curious, innocent, and neutral questions to understand accurately what the other person means, believes, or feels. For example, if someone acts upset, simply ask him/her directly about your assumption so he/she can confirm, deny, or qualify. For example, “Are you angry (upset, frustrated, irritated) about something?” Try to avoid questions that start with “why” as they tend to put others on the defense. For example, “Why are you so upset?” makes an assumption (which may or may not be accurate) and will likely make the other person feel like they’ve done something wrong. Instead, try “I get the sense that you may be upset. Am I reading this accurately?”
Nothing More Than Feelings
Another way to approach a sensitive conversation is to make statements that start with
“I feel”. If you’re simply stating what you genuinely feel and you use a neutral tone, the other person can’t say you’re wrong. Your feelings are your feelings and clearly stating them will help to stave off a power struggle from the get-go. For example, instead of saying to your partner “You’re always late”, try “I feel disappointed when we don’t get to eat dinner together.”
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