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More Than Just Tacos

Posted 28th May 2008 by KC

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"What I'm trying to tell you is that I don't like the tacos."

My eyes widened at my husband's honesty.

"That is so insulting!" I exclaimed while browning the taco meat. "This is my mom's receipe!"

"Okay, I don't like your mom's tacos."

"Well," I responded, "I don't like some of your mom's recipes."

I lied. I actually love his mom's cooking. Homemade chicken soup ... spiced eggplant ... freshly folded wontons. The very thought of these savory dishes makes my mouth water.

I motioned my husband that dinner was ready and we sat down to eat. I'm not exactly sure why I chose to make these tacos -- I haven't done so in a year or two -- but I think it's an attempt at reconnection.

A couple of weeks ago, my parents came to visit. And, the visit was somehow disappointing. My dad sat in front of his laptop the entire time. It is ronic that he was here and yet thousands of miles away. My husband sent him a picture of our son via internet, which my dad thoroughly enjoyed. Only, our son was just 4 feet away from his laptop playing on the ground by himself.

My dad makes fun of my mom's weight. He's done this for as long as I can remember, and I use to laugh.   Now it's not so funny. In fact, I think that it's kind of mean. Perhaps I feel this way because I gained 45 lbs during my pregnancy and endured in-law commentary AND my own husband (?jokingly) calling me shamu. It hurt and now I can imagine my mom's feelings.

It use to be that my dad could do no wrong and I find myself in the odd place of recognizing the fallacy of this perception. And, there is the uncomfortable realization that I have my own family now and that we are guided by different priorities and values. Not better, just different.

So, they left a weeka go and my uneasiness continues. A connection lost. Or, maybe just changed? I love my parents dearly and yet I'm a different person. I feel that difference. And, i don't know why. Is it me just getting older? Does motherhood foster commitment to the new family?

Fastforward to tonight and my mom's taco recipe. I've always loved her tacos and eagerly awaited the first bite. Only, it didn't taste as good. I sheepishly admitted this to my husband. And, this adds to my uneasiness.

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4 comments so far...

  • Thanks, mamajama. It helps me so much to write these feelings down; a catharsis of sorts. I felt so much better after writing. I think it helps me organize these feelings.

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by KC on 30th May 2008

  • KC, I so feel what you are saying. I don't have an experience to compare it to, but your words communicate so much. I feel like I'm sitting in your kitchen with you...I wish there was some way I could help.

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by mamajama on 29th May 2008

  • Paula, thanks for your comments. I think you identified the right word -- grief -- regarding the changed connection. hmmm ... I guess this is an adjustment period

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by KC on 28th May 2008

  • Thanks for sharing this interesting and poignant story. I could relate in certain ways. I have felt a sense of grief over how my connection to my mother (my father is deceased) will never be the same as it was when I was even a young adult. Your words of feeling "far away" from your dad particularly hit home. And my FIL does some things that make me sad, but it's not so simple as saying, "Hey, stop that." - Paula.

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by tkd_mama on 28th May 2008

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