I feel like I'm in rehab... only instead of substance abuse, I'm recovering from losing all the woman I used to be. It took a movie (I can't believe I'm admitting that) to remind me of the happy, giving person I used to be. And that my love and giving should be reciprocated at least equally. My goal is to return to that woman, not in 30 days of course, that's a bit unrealistic. But, if you've read my other notes, you see that I've been dealing with making one of the hardest decisions of my life-- to divorce or not divorce, that is the question. These 30 days are my first step to a lifetime of recovery.
On Monday, June 2, I called my husband and told him he had 30 days to decide if he wants to participate in fixing this marriage. My only two demands, we live in the same home and we begin some sort of counseling. My husband is very indecisive, but I was very clear that no decision will be a decision this time. I will end the marriage if he can't commit to working as hard as I am to improve our relationship.
This will be a true testament of strength for me since this is a decision I never thought I would even contemplate. I've allowed this to go on for too long because I came from a broken home and didn't want that for my children. This will be a true testament because I'm afraid of doing this on my own. I can't imagine how I'm going to manage 3 little boys by myself. How I'm going to afford this... I don't want to be alone. I love my husband. This will be a true testament because despite my fears, I know I will come out on the other side. Even if by some miracle my husband makes the right decision, this will be a testament that I had the strength to do what's best for my health, self-esteem and well-being, so that our children can have at least one strong parent to mold them into the young men they are destined to become.
Diary: On day one, I cried all day. Day two was better. Day three was a disaster, more crying. As was day four. Day five, I was able to smile. Day six was boring and stoic, but no crying. Day seven, a day of strength. I hope to be able to laugh one day, and I'm glad I at least have hope.