Then, they gave me a trial. Trial work is my dream. No one in civil litigation, at a big firm, gets to do a trial their first year. Ok, some people do, but it's not normal. In fact, I know people who have practiced civil litigation for YEARS and never tried a case. It hasn't ended yet, so who knows if I'll win this one, but I love my clients, they are wonderful people who deserve to win. I close the case Monday.
In the midst of all of this, I see a small ad. Wanted: contract attorney, flexible schedule, work from home ok, civil litigation. It's close tho home. I talk to the guy and find out he's looking for a working mom, he has kids, he wants someone who needs a more balanced life. He offers me $XX per hour. He says after he gets to know me I can try his cases. He does not care when I work, where I work, or how much vacation I take. This job, as far as I have ever heard, does not exist. He offers it to me less than a week after I initially saw his ad.
Problem is, I love my job. I've never had a job where they were so exicted about me and the feeling was mutual. But I quit. Happily, walking on air, giddy, I quit.
So my last day is Tuesday. I'm going back Friday to argue a motion for that partner who thought I'd lose the first time. But my last day in my office, in my highrise overlooking the city, is Tuesday. And suddenly I'm a little sad.
I'm sad for the person I wanted to be when I went to law school. I'm sad for the career I could have had if I was a stronger person, if I needed less sleep and was willing to sacrifice more. I'm just not that way anymore. I wish I was.
And, I'm a little afraid. What if those extra hours I get with my boy each week are too late? He's very independent now, even for a toddler. Sometimes he does not want anything to do with me, and he usually prefers his dad. Why am I doing this? What if I'm just not mommy material the way I am apparently lawyer material?
I guess I'll find out.