Member Blogs

Am I An Anti-Feminist?

Little did I know what to expect when my husband and I decided to switch our "traditional" roles. I was aggressive with my demanding legal career, supporting my family financially and the ultimate authority. I was, to quote my teenagers, "The Man!" while still being "The Mom"! Yet, one day I realized being "The Man" was affecting me and my marriage more than I realized. I was succumbing to a stressful pressure to make more and more money, working side by side with all A-type personalities and dealing with all the mom guilt that comes with choosing career over staying home with your kids. In retaliation, my attitude towards my husband, who juggled four kids 24/7, became extremely critical along the way. My behavior mirrored the gripes of housewives decades ago who received no respect for their contributions to the family. (I was the "working husband" not giving the respect.) I was frustrated with my quick observations that he wasn't being active enough around the house and with the kids and in solving our household issues. I had wild expectations for him to be proactive with anything that touches our front door, yet constantly critiqued and criticized his efforts. I would be unnerved to come home after a long day to a wild bunch of kids, yet failed to see that it was their excitement over finally seeing me that caused it. Moreover, as much as I hate to admit, I felt a loss of attraction to him and blamed him for not having the time or energy to (and this is going to get really bad) "keep his figure" sort to speak. I had somehow warped into a justified male-chauvinistic pig and so what if I sent back the feminist movement a few steps. I had ended up in some strange "tit for tat" competition with my husband, and I was going to win by any means. My husband suffered patiently through it (thank heavens), and eventually I took a timeout to switch to a less-demanding job. Now we have more time together to find in our new roles that balanced partnership that we once had when we were both in the workforce. I no longer feel as if I am living the life of a secret anti-feminist.  Personally, I still believe there is nothing more important to children than having a parent stay home, but it is a very slippery slope for married couples, no matter the gender roles. My best advice is to resist engaging in the "grass is greener" game with your partner by recognizing all the unfair expectations that comes with playing that game.