Member Blogs

As a co-host of the website you cite, www.equallysharedparenting.com, I am disappointed that a reader would get the impression that you did. There are no spreadsheets on the site. No time charts. There are a few worksheets in the Tools section of the site only because they can act as springboards for discussion. We talk about a lot of the mechanics of how to equally share a home and family because it all goes against our culture - and because we believe in turning over every stone to give couples a chance to consciously choose the parenting model they really want.

I agree completely with Michelle about how ESP works in reality. Because both parents so deeply want an equal partnership, they usually love to have discussions about how to make it happen. And after they set up their schedules to allow both of them approximately equal time with their kids, working, doing housework and for themselves, nature kicks in and few discussions are necessary.

I love that you've found the balance you want in your family role. That's fantastic! But I would urge anyone interested in equally shared parenting to disregard the idea that it is any more onerous than any other arrangement.

I appreciate the window into your parenting approach. It really sounds like it works great for your family. I am compelled to respond to your post because my husband and I practice equally shared parenting and your description of this style of parenting is not my experience of it at all. The conversations that we have about parenting are not overwhelming, horribly time consuming or really all that complicated. In fact, we both greatly enjoy the level of detail we each get about the others' day with our three girls because we both want to be a part of the nitty gritty of caring for them. Our schedules (and we do use a calendar) keep us updated on what is going on in one another's lives in ways that are meaningful outside of the girls (e.g. I know he had an important quote to do yesterday and he can see that I've had quite a few client meetings this week). This helps us give each other extra room when the other needs it and just adds to the connection in our relationship. We do have our areas of expertise - he does most of the car stuff, for example, and I do most of the meal planning. Nobody "sits [the other] down" to have a long, intense discussion. We both WANT to share caring for our girls equally and we WANT to share domestic duties and we WANT to do meaningful, engaging work outside of our household responsibilities. So, it's not a burden. On the contrary, it is a great pleasure to have these conversations. And because we do them relatively effortlessly, they are actually far less frequent than the conversations we get to have about things totally unrelated to our domestic situation.
I really do respect the choice not to do equally shared parenting. I would never try to convince anyone to use this approach who wasn't compelled to do it by their own interest. I can also say, though, that of the (quite a few) equally shared parenting couples I know, there are NONE who are wishing they were parenting some other way.