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Drowning in a Tidal Wave of Memory.

Posted 14th October 2007 by Kimberly

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This whole Ex thing is really throwing me for a loop. I don't know why, exactly. I haven't thought of him in years, and I certainly don't regret not marrying him.

I mean, I have regrets, but I always felt it was the right decision. Of course, I also felt ok with it since I knew that after he crawled out of the bottle our breakup sent him into, he moved on and got married. I also knew that everyone said that it was a classic rebound, but glossed over that in favour of "he's moved on. He's happy." I don't have that shield anymore.

I messaged him, and we've talked a bit. It's strange to be so formal and awkward with someone with whom you used to be so close. And all the regret, all the sorrow and confusion I've held at bay for the last decade--that I really didn't even know I had-- is rushing in and threatening to pull me under.

I don't know what to do with all these feelings, or what I want out of this experience. I suspect it's absolution, and I'm not sure I have a right to ask for that.





5 comments so far...

  • I recently found my ex (the big one, but not the ex-husband, LOL) on Linked In and added him to my network. But I haven't sent him an email, nor he has he sent me one. I actually talked about it with my husband-- to email him would just sort of smack of pathetic (to me) because this boy broke my heart many years ago.

    I think if I were to suddenly see HIS name in my InBox, my heart would stop. I can totally understand why this is throwing you for such a loop.

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Jen Creer on 18th October 2007

  • I think what you do with this is just experience it. It looks like you're discovering that you hadn't worked it through as thoroughly as perhaps you'd thought, those years ago. Now there's more. Sometimes you just need to sit fallow for a bit, let it all germinate quietly, and see what emerges. At some point, you may need to take action of some sort, and when/if you do, you'll know. For now, maybe you need to simply sit and be.

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by MaryP on 16th October 2007

  • Wow! I actually think this is great! And I promise it will be less painful and less awkward eventually. My bestguyfriend is actually my college boyfriend. We dated two years and I just *knew* he was NOT who I wanted to marry or spend the rest of my life with. This did not make breaking up and moving 2 states away any easier. There were a lot of tears and he was also miserable and sad when I left (stopped eating, drinking too much, etc.). Eventually he saw that I was right (of COURSE lol) and that we were much better as friends than anything more. We are both now married with a kid each and are very happy. The best part is that we are VERY honest with each other and can still say YOU ARE AN IDIOT when needed. LOL but we know it comes from a good place and that we will be friends forever. And just friends!! Hold onto your gut instinct that says you made the right decision and just concentrate on how you are happy now. Good luck!!

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Kate on 15th October 2007

  • I just added my first love to myspace over the weekend and he messaged me first. It is definately strange doing the 'hi, how have you been' small talk. I just hope that maybe him and I can become friends again like we were before we got together. He was a big part of my life for so long that it's difficult to just not see/talk to him. I haven't really talked to him for a long time so we'll see how it goes I guess. I just remind myself that we've both changed in that amount of time, whether for the better or worse. Besides that, I am happy where I am but don't know where he is in life really.

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Marcia on 15th October 2007

  • Well, you write, and do that well. So that's a very good outlet. Knowing you made the right decision for you doesn't make it any easier to deal with the pain you seem to think you caused him. You might have caused him some pain, that may be. But you shouldn't regret the fact it may have still been there whether you were around or not. Let yourself feel is all I can suggest. Wonder and doubt only breed insecurity, you don't need that. Know you did what you could for your health and he did what he did to get to where he is. Having a "get to know" session again isn't anything but catching up

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by on 15th October 2007

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