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Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Over the past year, one of my big goals was to make some new friends. My best friends include my sister (who lives four states away), my friend from college (who is single with no kids and lives 90 miles away), and my husband (who is…well… a boy). I really missed the easy nature of women friends who lived close by and who have similar life patterns to mine—work, kids, husband, sarcasm, wine, etc.  The whole situation had been made worse when 18 months ago when one of my closest friends moved away.

Suffice it to say, I was ready for some new blood. I got lucky. I met some amazing women, took some chances, and now have a great circle of girlfriends that I feel like I can count on in a crisis or even just for a quick morning cup of coffee.

With this new found appreciation, I started to look around at some of the friendship patterns that had emerged since leaving college. Not all of the friendships that were in place were relationships that I was even interested in maintaining. It occurred to me that it is almost as hard to walk away from a friendship as it is to make new friends.

So, what is the best way to break up with a girlfriend?

Should you have a conversation abut the fact that you are just “drifting apart”? Should you invoke the “its not you, it’s me” mantra? Or, should you just let the friendship languish…avoiding her emails, voicemails, and text messages?

It really isn’t as easy as it first seems. There are the kids to consider, for one thing. What happens if you have decided you have had an as*ful of her, but your kids attend the same preschool or soccer team? What if you work with her and still have to see her 40 hours a week at the office? What if she remains friends with mutual friends? All of these scenarios can lead to uncomfortable exchanges and unclear path. The situation can be made worse if she doesn’t appear to be aware of your change of heart and ambivalence.

I started thinking about the ex-friends I had made an effort to drift apart from over the past ten years:

The Chronically Negative Friend     She the friend who is always unhappy about everything. Sometimes she is one of your last remaining single friends. Men suck. Her job sucks. Basically, everything sucks. She chronically complains, yet does NOTHING to improve her situation. You avoid her voicemails and emails. To answer them just encourages more complaining.

The Friend in the Really, Really Bad Relationship   She is in a horrific marriage or relationship that is either 1) going nowhere or is 2) harmful emotionally, financially, or physically. Sometimes, she is cheating on her significant other or is the “other women” herself. If you are really unlucky, her partner is a total idiot and miserable to be around. More than once I have had to distance myself from this friend because she was financially or emotionally supporting her deadbeat partner. Usually, this idiot partner was someone who was either obnoxiously full of themselves or was so uninteresting that he couldn’t keep a pet rock engaged.