finding my birth mother
Since I was about four I new that I was adopted. My parents clearly explained to me that I wasn't from them and that I have a mom and a dad out there that made me. I always knew that I wanted to meet my birth mom and just at least say Thank You and look at her to finally see someone that resembled me in any way, shape, or form. Growing up looking like no one can be annoying at times. You see how your friends look like their mom or dad and you just feel kind of alone in the world. I knew information about my biological mom and knew that she lived in the area since I was born just about five miles from where I lived. My parents said that they would always help me find her and they were very supportive, but sometimes it's not easy to talk to your parents about finding another woman that gave birth to you, especially to your mom. My mom gave me my adoption file when I was 17 years old and I got to see what she wrote to me before she gave me up as well as her and my biological fathers information. So I took all of the information in and waited about three years before I went on a search. I went to the high school that she attended and got a picture of her only to realize that she looks like my twin. This made me more curious, but my search stopped until I got a knock on my door and it was my best friend with my biological mothers phone number in her hand. My friend had worked with her sister in law and I guess we just crossed paths at the right time. I went and met her and everything in my life seemed so perfect. I was getting married in a few months and she was going to be there, I couldn't even explain the feelings that were streaming through my body, all that I know is that I was so relieved to finally had met her. But, not all stories end happily and mine sure didn't. You can't judge a book by it's cover many people say and you sure can't I put so much into this figure of a woman that I thought was perfect only to find out that she was not a good person and wish that I had left that perfect imagine in my mind and heart. I realized so much at such a young age. First no matter who gives birth to you it doesn't mean that they love you. You have to build a relationship with someone as well as a bond. Second, the mother that was there for me didn't carry me in her womb she carried me in her heart and was always there for me. And third, images aren't always what there cracked up to be, looks don't make the person. So in the end I can say that the struggle that I went through for many years of my life was all for curiosity and that I don't necessarily regret my decision, but I have learned a lot about the meaning of love and family.
3 comments so far...
The experience for me was wonderful though it's had it's issues over the years as she wants to mother me and I don't want it from her.
Moving on - it's a great experience for anyone - to at least find out where they came from.
I struggled for years as my sister is artificial insemination, but is from my mother - so they look a like - act a like and I never had that commonality, which I didn't notice as much when I was little, but the differences were staggering as I was a teenager and older.
My bio-mom ended up being a lovely person, so I was lucky. She gave me up when she was 17 and had always wondered about me as her life was incomplete - in her eyes - until she met me.
As I said, I had a happy ending. She's wonderful, but there are still issues - she still struggles with giving me up as she feels that there are things she could have done differently with my upbringing and though she appreciates what my own mom has done for me, she knows she would have handled things differently - and this is where she tries to mother me, which I hate.
But, I also got to find out about my health background, why i had bad teeth growing up and where my nose comes from. I'm a spitting image of her, looking more like her than my other 2 1/2 siblings. Though, my features are darker, you can tell who gave birth to me in pictures of me and my 2 moms.
I'm lucky that I had a great family that encouraged this experience and a great social worker who prepared me for the worst. I always went into this knowing it could be bad, but knowing I grew up with a great family who really truly wanted me and that's all that matters.
Flag as inappropriate Posted by kgrrrl on 13th May 2009
However, as a birth parent, I have spoken at symposiums for health care providers with respect to what it is to BE a birth parent. When I gave my son up, the nursery staff hovered around me as I was saying good bye, alternately getting too close (as if I might bite him or bolt with him, although that's never happened in that hospital) and repeatedly checking their watches. Apparently, I was on a time limit that I had otherwise been unaware of.
Some parents give their children up for selfish reasons, but those children are ultimatley better off. Most parents though, make the decision over the course of time and some painful soul searching.
Regardless of your birth mother's motives, she did make the best decision for you - and it sounds like it really was for the best. It's never bad to be curious about who you are but it's also very good to understand that family is not created by blood alone.
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Phe on 8th May 2009
Flag as inappropriate Posted by eileen b on 2nd May 2009