Working moms vs. stay-at-home moms: can't we all help each other?
Posted 5th May 2009 by DSMom, tagged working moms vs. stay-at-home moms
So. Before I became a mother, I liked to think of all moms, regardless of whether or not they worked outside the home, as members of one big community. I fantasized that once I had children, I could support other moms, and they could support me. I find this is not the case. When I gave birth to my daughter last year, I had the opportunity to stay home with her for four months. During that time I became friends with full-time stay-at-home moms. We would meet to hang out and to discuss our children and to share mom tips. We talked about where to get the best baby gear for less, and from time to time we would even babysit each other's children. The climate quickly changed when I had to return to work full-time after four months had passed. All of a sudden I was no longer included in the mom activities in my neighborhood, even if they were on a weekend or in the evenings when I and my children could attend. The other moms texted each other all day and talked to each other on Facebook all day. They told me that in order to be "in", I needed to do the same things. Naturally I can't text and get on Facebook all day from work. And I know my former mom friends are busy with their kids all day, so I don't know where they find the time to do the social networking that is obviously so important, at least in this neighborhood.
My point is this. I think secretly, we all judge each other's choices. Working moms judge SAHMs and vice versa. Personally, I wish with all my heart that I could stay home with my kids, but financially, this just isn't possible. This doesn't mean I love my children any less, and it doesn't mean I don't crave friendship with other women. And moms especially. We all need to help each other out. After all, it does take a village to raise a child. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic!
6 comments so far...
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Flag as inappropriate Posted by Karen on 18th January 2013
I have to say I was incredibly hurt and deeply offended by your comment. You can see what I wrote earlier - that yes, as a SAHM, many working mothers do intimidate me, and I view them as SuperWomen!
However... saying things like "they view you as superior to them, and you are" and that working moms are "more efficient" is completely untrue. I do NOT view working moms as superior to me. The point of my post is that working at SAH moms are different - neither better nor worse, just different. I have 2 kids, am getting my degree (so I can go back to work when they're in much older), and am deeply involved in volunteer work. Not everyone has the luxury of being able to make the decision whether or not to stay home - some work out of necessity, others out of choice. Reasons aren't for me to judge.
If you feel like you are making the best decision by working, then that is great. I honestly don't mean that sarcastically - I am being genuine. That is not what I have decided, but my choices aren't the best for everyone in every situation. But to come right out and say that you're better than me because you work is rude at best. I could give you a list of 50 reasons why I have made the decision to stay at home, but chances are, you would feel very offended and judged. We all make our own decisions, but let's keep the "I'm better than you" comments to ourselves please...
I think DSMom was very gracious in her perspective, and I appreciate the reminder that I should be more purposeful to include working mothers in social interactions. But to be honest, it's women that you that make me not want to - not because I'm intimidated by you, but because you don't give my decisions the same respect you demand for yours - and my decisions do in fact deserve respect.
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Sara on 7th May 2009
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Anna on 7th May 2009
Flag as inappropriate Posted by DSMom on 7th May 2009
Don't get me wrong - I LOVE being a SAHM and wouldn't have it any other way. But, I'm 26, and many of my friends have interesting jobs/careers. They have things to talk about other than diapers and nursing. They seem so much more organized, because they (in my mind, of course) can perfectly balance a husband, a child (or more), and a full-time job. Talk about SuperWomen! I feel like my life is boring compared to theirs - so honestly, I stay away. It's not because I judge them or their decisions; it has more to do with my own insecurities. It doesn't seem like this group of moms in your neighborhood struggles with that, but I'm sure I'm not the only SAHM who does.
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Sara on 6th May 2009
At the same time, the same might apply to working moms. These moms like you and me are on high stress level and seems to be looking out for support for being a working mom.
What is happening here is that you need to take a good look at your own perspective and judge not how the others treated you. You just have not found the right group of stay at home mom (which is very few, I must admit). Meantime, continue with your scedule and keep on searching for the reight group/
Flag as inappropriate Posted by picksan on 6th May 2009