Admitting it all
I am taking a deep breath and saying it: I'm having a hard time.
Nothing dire, of course, nothing making me feel like I can't manage or need professional help. But I'm having a hard time with everything. My job, home life, friends, myself... and I feel sometimes like I can't talk about it because I'm supposed to be keeping it together all the time, so that everyone else can keep it together. Again, nothing dire, just little frustrations that have started to pile up and weigh on me.
I've worked full-time now, well, my whole life, and also my kids' whole lives. And I never wanted that. I accepted it, I've had periods where I've relished it, and I actually am grateful for work in this economy, as well as the time away from the kids. I've learned that I NEED some work in my life in order to remain calm and sane. Home with the kids all day long would be very hard for me. I know that now, 5 years later. Still, I never wanted it to be full-time, all the time, all this time. Even with a much improved commute now, and 1 work-from-home day each week (if my company ever comes through with that), it's not enough. It's not what I want.
I realized Monday that my GOSH, it takes a lot to run a household. My Grandmother always told me that, and she was so right. It's a full-time job. With my oldest now in Kindergarten, I'm starting to feel the pinch. I want to be there for them during this time, more than I have been. And it sounds cliche to say, "homework, t-ball practice, making dinners..." like everyone does, but... wow. On top of the routines of those, I have so many home projects I'd like to do -- simply rearranging knick-knacks in my living room, or (gasp) going shopping for some NEW knick-knacks -- WHEN can I do those things? WHEN will we ever dry-wall the basement? We planned to do it 8 years ago! Still haven't, and now we have two kids to do it around. Why didn't we do it before kids??!
I keep pushing errands back on my weekday-lunchtime-errands list. Other things come up. I need to get the oil changed (and the tires replaced... and another thing fixed) on my car, and can't seem to work that (those) in. One recent "last straw" moment was painting my nails. My feet have just been in bad shape and I've wanted a pedicure for a while... but there is NEVER time. Last night I finally sighed and painted them myself, and I felt a little better, but still. Why isn't there time for that one thing? Why don't I ask for it?