Admitting it all
And why (sorry, this is getting long) don't I have friends I can call to talk about feeling depressed? I mean, I guess I do have them, but you just don't call up a friend and go, "I'm depressed." Do you? Maybe you do. I can't tell my husband; he starts feeling guilty about his salary, which is not my intent. (I've even argued with myself that it's GOOD we both work full-time - it's even, it's shared.) Can't tell my Mom; she worries too much. My sister? Can't relate. My best friend always seems too busy with her own problems and I always feel like I'm whining to her when stuff like this comes up. My co-worker friend is also my boss and I can't very well talk to her about wanting to work part-time, without saying, "I want to work part-time." And I don't know if I'm there yet.
Okay, FINALLY, I'm upset with myself because here it is, FIVE years later, and all along I've known I wanted to work part-time, or freelance, and I have taken very few steps to make that happen for myself. I feel extreme guilt for letting those 5 years go by and not working toward something that I WANT. Is it too late now? Now that I'm 6 months into a new full-time office job, to quit before it even begins? Everyone will say "Do what's right for YOU..." and intellectually I know that... I'm scared, though. I hate to disapoint people (like my bosses). And sad about feeling all those things.
Boy, is it nice to spell it all out.