Member Blogs

I've taken my second 10mg dose of Cilift today.  Another 5 days of 10mg, and then I have to double the dose to a full tablet or 20mg.  I'm feeling a bit disoriented and hazy, but apparrently it's all part of the settling in period.  I'm still tired, and was a bit nauseaus for about half an hour last night, but otherwise not too bad. 

The mood wasn't much better last night.  I still got very aggitated when the children wouldn't stop climbing up on the kitchen counter despite me telling them a number of times not to.  My GP says that they're acting out, probably as a result of the general tension they sense from me, and of course my occassional temper tantrum, so it's up to me to break the cycle.  I'm back into a cycle of clearer thinking, so it's easier for me to see now, and hopefully I can do my best to "make it better".  And hopefully, I can continue the trend upward.

I realise that I am hugely envious of other moms, like you guys here, who seem to be able to get through the day with a smile on your face and a sense of looking forward to tomorrow.  I hope I can get there too, one day.  I hate that I couldn't get there by myself, and that I was in effect forced to see my GP and that he felt it necessary that I take tablets, and even worse, see a shrink.

Truthfully I'm scared to see a psychologist.  She sounds like a wonderful woman, and on top of running a perfect household (with help I assume) and raising three beautiful children, she's blind.  How's that for a working mother yard stick!  She could be the most amazing person on earth, but as much as I open up and talk about things with my friends, trusted colleagues and here, there are so many really deep seeded emotions that I do NOT want to expose.  I am just not ready for it.  I am okay to say I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm angry, but please don't ask me too much about why?  I would have a full on breakdown.

Maybe I could give you a history: My mother in law is a perfectionist, and expects perfect hospitality when she visits.  After one hellish weekend, I was told that my house is filthy (I had a two week old baby), and it took until the day before the birth of my second child for her to actually refer to me as an experienced mother, and up till yesterday for her to say she thanks God every day for me.  This is naturally just the dust cover of a far thicker novel full of drama and intrigue.  Hey... That could be an idea...