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I can't believe my son just said that

O.K.

My son has a playdate over as right now..It's a drop off. I love drop offs especially when they are at my house - o.k. that's another topic.

THE SCENE:

My son and his very cute friend are playing with transformers in the living room.

I am in the kitchen preparing their lunch.

I hear....

My son: "Henry(different real name) you are my friend"

Henry: " Yeah"

My son: "Yeah you are my friend but only at my house not at school."

Henry "o.k..."

Henry could care less what my son said and continues to play with his transformer.

Me : "B...you have lots of friends here and at school" My heart feels so bad for Henry even though he could care less.

My son: "No mom..Michael is my friend at school and henry is only my friend at home"

Me: "Henry you are a friend here and at school"

My son: "no mom.."

I give my son the LOOK...he quiets.

They continue to play with transformers.

I know my son didn't mean to be mean but I am trying to figure out how to talk about this later and explain that saying something like that can be hurtful.

Anyone??

Flag as inappropriate Posted by on 28th January 2008
Yikes! At least Henry didn't seem upset -- that's a good thing.

How old is your son? Pre-school age kids often are so "in-the-moment" that what we perceive as hurtful isn't a problem (In this case, of course Henry is friends with your son at home, that's where they're playing right now!). Your son's mention of his friend Michael makes me wonder if your boy thinks of the word "friend" in only the singular -- the person he's playing with now is his friend, no matter who that is, and no one else is at that moment? Or if maybe Michael and Henry don't get along, and this was your boy's way of reassuring Henry that he's Henry's friend in spite of also being Michael's friend?

Maybe one way to address it later is to show him examples of many friends playing together -- a sports game, kickball at recess, playing a board game, something like that -- and explains that you can have more than one friend at a time, even at school? Or -- if you're up for it -- have a playdate at your house with both Henry and Michael there at the same time?

Flag as inappropriate Posted by Lylah M. Alphonse on 28th January 2008
are they in the same class at school? if he is in a different class and your son only 'plays' with him at home that it might just be confusion (if the other child is in his class where he 'plays' at school and hasnt been over for a visit).

it doesnt sound like he meant it to be hurtful in anyway or that henry thought it was hurtful so it might just be a communication thing at that age!

let us know!

Flag as inappropriate Posted by Kate on 28th January 2008
Henry just left. Henry and Michael are in the same class with B.

No Michael has never been to my house for a playdate because he goes to daycare right after school. Maybe one Saturday afternoon I will have them all over.

I don't think my son meant to be hurtful either, it just sounded like a mean thing to say.

It was also a lunch playdate but you know how that goes - more preococupied with playing than food. I sat with them both in our playroom to make sure food was going down so the crankies did not set in. My son is such a bad eater..another topic..another day.

Thanks for the suggestions Lylah and Kate. I am going to show him some examples and conitune to talk about friendships. I feel another library visit coming on. I love it there!

Flag as inappropriate Posted by on 28th January 2008
I hit post too soon and noticed my "precocupied" you know what I was trying to say right?

Flag as inappropriate Posted by on 28th January 2008
It is such a great example and topic!

For the longest time, I used to jump in all my kid's conversations with his friends and playdates. In fact, I used to jump in all the time period. For example, "Are you guys looking for things to do?" "Why don't you play with those legos?" "I think what Mike meant by that was..." "What is going on? I think you guys should..."

Or at least I felt like I was always checking in and jumping. I felt like every opportunity was a lesson to be learned. Then I realized, I was not letting them PLAY and experience. I mean I will be not always be there for every moment my kid interacts or plays with kids outside the home or at school, etc.

I was at a playdate with few kids and the mothers were sitting and having coffee and a chat. One parent started to jump in on the kids' play, stopped herself and then said, "I have to remember to let them figure it out for themselves."

Of course, she is right. Unless they ask, depending the age and situation even when they do ask, it is best to let them figure it out. But take notes and have conversations with them later about sharing, disagreements, hurtful words, etc. depending on the age of the kid.

I am always amazed on how they work it by themselves.....

Flag as inappropriate Posted by SK on 28th January 2008
I was going to say something similar to SK. I have three kids, and I work with young children. I do a LOT of watching and listening, to see how the children work it out. You learn a lot about your child that way!

In that situation, I'd have waited till Henry had gone home, and then asked my son a few questions to clarify the issue in my own head. At that point, I might or might not address it with him. I might decide that yes, it is a problem and he needs my guidance, or I might decide no, it's not something that needs adult input.

I do know that I wouldn't have tried to sort it out with Henry there. If Henry had appeared hurt, and unable to sort it out himself, then yes, I would definitely step in. But, as you noted, Henry didn't have a problem with it at all. If you try to sort it out right then, you may cause Henry to suddenly become aware that it COULD be a problem -- and then you, not your son, would have made him feel badly! That's certainly not what you want.

All in all, I tend to agree with those who said it probably isn't what it sounded like. Just the literal-minded in-the-moment thinking of very young children. But I'd be watching and listening some more, to confirm/clarify that idea!

Flag as inappropriate Posted by MaryP on 29th January 2008
O.K. I agree with everyone. I jumped in and it proibably could've waited but I really didn't want Henry to feel hurt.

UPDATE:

I just put my son to bed and we read a few books. Then as we were laying there I said "B - can I ask you a few questions about your day?"

He said "sure"

I said " remember when Henry was here today and you told him he was your friend only at your house and not at home??"

He said "yes"

I said " Do you think you can tell me why you think he can only be a friend at your house...because I thought you play with him at school" DO you Michael and Henry play together?

He said "No mommy - Henry doesn't play with me at school - he only plays with Finlay and Ryan and he doesn't like to play with me at school". Michael played with me today.

So I am kind of thinking B was kind of assuring himself of Henry's friendship to him.

I said "B - there will be days that you play with just Michael and there will be days that you play with Michael, Henry and Finlay etc.." "Everyday is different".

His teachers tell me B is a very popular kid and gets along with all the other kids except for one little rowdy girl who likes to hit on occassion.

My son is a very sensitive kid....wonder where he get it from?? I need to step back and let him firgure a few things out. As long as no one is getting hurt - right??

I have probably given this enough thought. Kids are kids! I just want my kid to kind and considerate of people's feelings.

I really appreciate all the feedback and advice. THANK YOU!!

Flag as inappropriate Posted by on 29th January 2008