Ok, my turn to vent.
When my mom in law died several years ago, one of the MANY things dh came home with was a set of bath towels that his mom had had that was used when the family went to the pool. Now, these towels of the very small size and >30 years old. Not bad shape, considering the age...
I was going thru boxes several months ago and came across said towels. Put them into the linen closets, along with ALL the towels I'd brought from my parent's house after they died. We've started using said towels. DH saw daughter with one last nite (he knew I'd had 1 of them in our bathroom and I wrap my wet hair in it). DH makes comment about how we're going to wear out said "pool towels from his mom's....that they'd made it for more than 30 years and we needed to be careful with them."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"They're towels. They're supposed to be used," I said.
"But we only used them for the pool...and they've made it this long..." he replied, looking almost wounded that how DARE I use the sacred towels.
I think I blinked and slowly said, "They're towels, not an antique."
THEN...he had the absolute audicity to get PO'd at me and said he didn't want to talk about it anymore.
They're TOWELS, for God's sake, not some friggin' sacred cow!
My husband lost his mom 2 years ago. It was 2 years 1/21/08. She raised him by herself all his life.
I only say this because I've been living with someone who has been going through a little depression since he lost his mom. My husband is an only child as well.
In any event - those towesl represent a memory for your husband and he probably doesn't want to ever lose it. Yes to you an to me, they are towels but to him they are so much more. Maybe he likes the feeling he gets when he sees the towels and doesn't want to lose it to quickly.
Honestly..I don't know..I just know that everyone experiences death differently. My husband seemed like a rock in the very beginning and then a year later depression set in.
Do you think he has dealt with her passing ?
Trust me - I know how you are feeling because the last two years have not been easy. I try to remember the last two years have been so much harder for him. His mom was all my husband had until me and the kids.
Not to be funny(maybe a little to cheer you up) but those towels are bordering on "antique" they sure don't make them like they use to...30 years!Flag as inappropriate Posted by on 31st January 2008
We lost his mom in 2001; both my parents in 1999 (5 months apart). 1st off, dh is a pack rat. If I didn't clean out occassionally, we'd never be able to walk thru the house.
I understand what you're saying, and under normal circumstances, I'd say you would probably be right. However, when they cleaned out the house, they divided up things and instead of taking the trash out to the cans, he brought it home and I had to throw it out last year when I found it in storage. I was livid.
Believe me, I fully understand the memories and grief. It took me 3 years before I could even go thru the 1st box of stuff from my parents' house. However, his problem has always been that he will NOT go thru things or throw things out. He gets that from his mom. Like I said, if I didn't go thru ever so often, we could not walk thru the house. He's got to clean out and get rid of a storage unit this month that's full of stuff that he's horded from the stores he's managed and I absolutely refuse to let him bring home. It's the standard, "You don't know when we'll need...."
As to the towels...memories I can understand, but quality they ain't. And all they'd do now is dry rot if they're not used. Besides, he certainly doesn't mind using anything that was brought from my parents' house....but God forbid I use these towels...
I'm not trying to be unfeeling...but jeez..they're not holy
I have got to agree with you JDaffron. You have to draw the line somewhere. They are towels, not his Mom. It would be different if they were one of just a few things that he was keeping...but come one. Anyway, good luck. It sounds like he's going to be tought to talk to.
I learned a LONG time ago that I'm the one who had to deal with stuff. Been married going on 28 years and in all that time, I'm the one who has to clean out and throw out, 'cause if I depended on him to do it, it'd NEVER be done. Like I said, he gets it from his mom. There's a line between things with memories and just things.....
When I started going thru my parents' things, it was hard. Part of that was because I'm an only and it was all overwhelming to have to do it alone. Particularly after we had to box up everything and move it into storage 360 miles away from the homeplace. Like I said, it took me 3 years before I would touch the 1st box. But once I did, I'd go thru 1 or 2 a day, dividing out what I'd keep v. what to sell/donate v. what to throw away. His problem is that he simply won't throw anything away and he won't take the time to even try. So, then he gets PO'd at me after I've given him a timelimit and when he doesn't do it, I do it. Last time that happened, I simply told him he had no right to complain because he'd been given ample time to do it himself.
As you said, there has to be a line somewhere.... I'm all for keeping some things for sentimental reason, but jeez...you can't keep everything.
Well.. . .I have a flannel shirt with a hole in the sleeve and a greasy sweatshirt taking up closet space at my house. These were my husband's grandfather's. He died 12 years ago. I tried to put them in the giveaway box once. Holy Cow! I was not allowed to get rid of those. Now, in our case, this was the *only* thing he has from his grandfather. I think that's where I would draw the line. If your husband has other nicer items from his mother that are not old towels that you don't mind keeping around, then no need to hang on to the towels. If this was the last physical reminder, I'd let it pass.Flag as inappropriate Posted by on 31st January 2008
Quoting: ajbtrbIf your husband has other nicer items from his mother that are not old towels that you don't mind keeping around, then no need to hang on to the towels. If this was the last physical reminder, I'd let it pass.
No, believe me, it's NOT the only physical reminder. If it were, I would have never even bothered to get them out of the box. The house contents were divided among the 4 siblings. Add to that, she was an artist, so there were >200 paintings/drawings/sketches that had to be divided among siblings and grandchildren. I've got 6 nudes she did (2 are hanging up), as well as portraits and still lifes all over the house. We've got silver, china, you name it. Wicker chairs, books, magazines.
She never threw anything out either, so when she died, the kids had to do it. Same with my parents. When we moved into an unattached house after 22 years in a townhouse, I had to somehow blend 4 houses into 1. And I'm still trying. That's why I said, you simply can't keep everything. There's got to be a line in the sand somewhere.