Group Discussions

Loneliness is getting to me

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  Ok, so this is a first ... I never admit to these things but today, in blistering minus 3 degree weather, I just HAD it with the loneliness I feel as I'm trying to entertain my two kids in a city where I have had zero time to make any new friends, do not have any family or support system within a thousand miles, never get any invites from other moms in my kids daycare and the weather outside is so cold it'll curl your toes up within ten seconds. My husband is a pilot so he's rarely home, and with my job I'm either always working or always taking care of kids. Read some other great posts on here similar to this and since misery loves company, it'd be great to hear if others ever feel the same and/or if so how you broke out of the rut, if you did?

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by Mama Maggie on Sunday
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  Maggie,
  
  
  
  Where are you? What city? Adult conversation and friendship is so important, what you are feeling is so normal and completely understood. But we need to get you some support! And friends!

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by Shelleen McHale on Sunday
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  I'm in Chicago, or rather; the northwestern suburbs of. Yep, friendships with other women make a world of difference, agree. I have some amazing friends but they are all back in Southern CA, and email only goes so and so far without feeling like you are "bugging" someone or whining to someone who can't relate. Thanks Shelleen!!

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by Mama Maggie on Sunday
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  Hey, Mama Maggie! I'm in Minnesota. I wish I could sit down and have coffee with you, because this winter is really a killer, isn't it? It just doesn't end!
  
  Here's a couple of ideas: 1) Check in with a newcomers group in your area. I have a friend who has moved around a LOT and she always makes that contact. Some groups are better than others, but she says it's a great way to start getting to know people. 2) If you like to read, see if you can find a book club. Mine was started many years ago when we all had little kids. It was a great source of stimulation and connection for all of us- maybe it could be for you, too. Hope these ideas help.

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by Anne Florenzano on Sunday
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  I'm in boston and not really play-date close, but maybe you could break the ice and ask some of the daycare mom's to come over for a play date. It may turn out to be a disaster, but it would be a start. I've found a couple of okay things to do at the library. My youngest is 21m, so it isn't the best place, but the 3.5yo loves it.
  
  
  
  Good luck. You can always vent here. I know the feeling and am happy to listen.

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by klg on 11th February 2008
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  Hi Mama Maggie. Sorry to hear you're stuck at home and lonely. It can be incredibly lonely being at home with a child, let alone as you are with a husband who travels professionally. I really feel for you! But, listen: there are tons of great people out there, you have to get out and meet them, that's all.
  
  
  
  When my baby was born 16 months ago I really felt I didn't know anyone here at all, but on the urging of another mommy friend, I started going along to mom group activities. I was amazed to find how many other friendly people are out there and how many activities there are for moms with small kids. I have met so many people and made many friends!
  
  
  
  My two main suggestions for you are:
  
  1. Check out the local library. They must have story time or some similar activity you could go to.
  
  2. Go to Meetup.com and see if there's a mom's group near you - or any group that interests you for that matter.
  
  
  
  Good luck!!

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by Diane on 11th February 2008
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  Hi MamaMaggie, I'm so sorry you're feeling lonely. It's tough building a new personal network. And those first few months are especially rough. And it doesn't help to be housebound by frigid temperatures. I'm a former Mn myself so I can absolutely relate.
  
  
  
  I did a quick google and found this link to IL newcomers and mom's groups:
  
  http://www.newcomersclub.com/il.html
  
  Our local newcomers group even has a playgroup.
  
  You can also try the Mom's club International. http://www.momsclub.org/
  
  They're mostly for mom's who are home with their kids during the day, but they may also have weekend activities.
  
  I agree with klg, find out from your daycare provider who your children are playing with and start arranging playdates. jSometimes you have to work extra hard to break the ice with midwesterners. Just assume you're going to have the make all the first moves here.
  
  
  
  You could also enroll your kids in activities at the Y or Gymboree or someplace similar to meet moms and kids.
  
  
  
  Good luck!

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by Jenns on 11th February 2008
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  I don't have any helpful advice like some of the other lovely ladies here, but I can totally relate. I live in the boonies where we don't have Gymborees or kid-friendly group activities; I work full-time and so can't go to any of the library activities that are just targeted to SAHM or WAHMs; and any friends I might actually have here either are 1) already in entrenched, impenetrable friendships, 2) have kids WAY older than mine, or 3) don't have kids or ever want kids. It's REALLY lonely, and I've been known to break down sobbing to my husband about it. Frequently. I've tried to start things with parents of kids in daycare with my son, but none of my advances have been reciprocated. (What's wrong- do I smell or something?)
  
  
  
  So yeah- not exactly helpful, I guess, but I FEEL YOUR PAIN! Tell you what- you move back to CA and WE can be friends!!

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by heels on 11th February 2008
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  wow and here i was thinking i was the only working mom with out 'mommie' friends! i am in the DC area and you would think with all these people it would be easy. but it isnt. everyone is running in a million directions!
  
  
  
  the library is a great suggestion!! You could also try just signing up for a class with the local rec center or even gym! my issue is that, at least around here, most of those options dont have any classes when a working mom might be home with her kid. say saturday or sunday or evenings after 6pm!!
  
  
  
  good luck! you are certainly not alone!! that is why i am sooooo happy i found WIM though because you do start to question your sanity (or your body odor! lol @heels) in situations like this!

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by Kate on 11th February 2008
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  I'm so sorry heels, people do get entrenched in their own lives and have a hard time fitting someone new in, no matter how charming and sweet smelling. Maybe it's time to give up on mommy friends for now and just find friends. Some of the friends I most treasure are the ones I know outside of my mommy circles.
  
  
  
  Being a mom is so isolating these days. I'm thinking of when I was growing up and we had a whole neighborhood gang. The moms were pretty good friends, at least on the face of things. And the kids all ran amuck outside all day. My daughter is constantly nagging me for playdates. So much so that when one friend is leaving she asks to have someone else over. I need a neighborhood gang! But all the kids in our neighborhood are in school all day and don't often want to be saddled with a 5 year old when they aren't. And there are those days where the closest thing I get to meaninful girl/adult conversation is chatting with the checkout lady at the Kroger.

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by Jenns on 12th February 2008